You know, I keep finding myself writing songs and poems about how the older generations try to force what they wanted to do when they were younger on my generation. I do. That's everything now. And I kept writing it because I keep thinking that it's the only thing going on and all that but now I'm realizing that I keep writing it because that's all I have to write about. I keep writing this one thing about something telling me to not be a musician, which I've wanted to be since I was 3 and have done research on jobs in the music business and on colleges, but now I'm realizing that that thing telling me that I won't make it, that nothing I create is good enough, is me.
Don't get me wrong, I love music. A lot. But I don't get to..do it anymore. I'm always doing homework, always helping other people with their problems, always stressing about something going on and I just don't get to play anymore. I've gone from practicing at least 5 hours a week with some of the most energy I've ever had to less than 5 minutes a week, playing through songs halfway before trying to play another one because I can't get the same energy I used to have.
I feel dead. That's it. Like I've lost who I am in some way. And it fucking terrifies me. All I know is music. And yeah, I've heard "If you practice you'll get better", "Don't worry, everyone thinks their work isn't good enough at some point", but imagine doing something all your life and then suddenly you just....Can't make yourself care about it anymore.
I don't know what to do.
I can't practice, can't write, I don't even think I could say I'm in a band because we never practice, the bassist doesn't even have music for any of the songs, it's just, really, really stressful.
I don't know what to do. At all. I don't have time for it anymore, but I want to because music is the thing that matters most to me outside of family and friends. I don't have time to practice, to write anything, to record, to try to find gigs, and I don't know how I'm going to get past it.
Who am I without music? Everyone is always
"Oh yeah, she plays guitar."
"She sings"
"She writes music."
That's all I'm known for. That's all I do. Unless I suddenly decide that I want to be a doctor or lawyer like people always said I should've tried for when I was younger, I will never amount to anything.
No music. No job. No life.
I screwed myself over from the begining.
