Dying on the inside || Lashton

11

Ashton was speechless. he could see the other boy's pure look of panic around him.

Luke's arms were tight around his boyfriend. Luke was shaking, maybe more than Ashton was, but ash couldn't tell.

Ashton's mind raced faster than any other panic attacks he'd had before. it was like a movie, he could only hear the sounds of his heavy breathing as his vision blurred. he wanted to throw up that slice of pizza he had not even 20 minutes ago.

he could hear Luke say his name, and Michaels hand on his shoulder as he tried to tell him something, but all Ashton heard was mumbled words and saw blurry faces.

Ashton felt worse, and he suddenly got up, and ran to the bathroom, and threw up, violently. there were tears running down his face, as he turned to face the three boys who stood at the bathroom door. they all looked scared.

Ashton closed his eyes as he sat on the tile floor.

he could only think of two words to say.

"holy shit."

~*~

Ashton didn't know how long the four boys sat there on the floor of the hotel bathroom. he only knew, that when he opened his eyes, his boyfriend, and his two best friends were still there, with him, holding him.

Ashton sighed, and whispered, "I love you guys. thank you. for everything. thank you." a last, single tear fell down his face. Calum reached over and wiped it away.

"and you damn well know we love you, and we'd do it all over again in a heartbeat for you ash." Michael said quietly.

Luke sat across from Ashton, holding his hand. his eyes were so red and puffy, and his body still shook with silent and tearless sobs. Ashton gnawed on his bottom lip, trying to think of what to say to the boy who would drop everything for him, and cried over him so much.

"Luke... I-"

"Ashton, don't. it's okay. shhh, love, it's alright." A tear fell down Luke's face.

Ashton slowly crawled over, and sat in Luke's lap and held him. "I'm so sorry Luke, I would never want to put you threw so much. I'm sorry I'm such a mess."

"Stop it. Ashton, stop, it's okay, I'm here for you. I'm upset because you don't deserve this. And I- I just- I don't know what to do, or how to help, and I'm trying but I can't figure it out. I'm sorry Ashton. I'm so so sorry."

Ashton let out a sob as he held Luke's face in his hands. "You're doing everything you can. And I thank you for that. I really fucking appreciate it."

~*~

"Hello boys, hello! How are you doing today?" The interviewer said as the boys sat on the couch that wasn't big enough for the four of them.

"you know, I think we're good, we're doing alright, seeing all our fans and stuff." mikey replied. they had yet another interview today. It seemed nonstop this week.

he asked a few routine questions, and the boys all answered with the best answers they could, and a few fans called in with some questions about touring, and songs, and set lists.

but towards the end, he asked something Ashton was dreading.

"Yeah, okay, we just have a few questions left for today, and um, Ashton? We had seen something on Twitter last night that was particularly upsetting to see you go through. your fans had been with you in LA, and the recently found something in some of their photos. Can you just, tell us why?"

Ashton sucked a breath of air in.

"Um I don't think he's quite comfortable with speaking about that subject right now." Luke said firmly.

"No- no, I actually do. You know, a lot of people think that unless you're in a terrible, terrible situation, that you're looking for, uh, attention or something. And, that's not the truth. Because people see mental illness as fake, or unrealistic, because you can't, like physically see it or something? And it doesn't matter if you've got the best things going on, or when you're at the bottom of the world, mental illness hits you hard. And that's okay, but uh, a lot of people don't think so, and they don't understand. So, um, don't let people tell you that you're faking it, or don't have reason to be upset. Because you do. And that's okay. And I'm one of you, and I understand you, and um, it does get better, and sometimes it will come back, but you're stronger than the stigma. Fight, it's worth it."