Dying on the inside || Lashton

3

I'm switching it to third person narrative bc I like writing this way better okay thanks

(Trigger warning)

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After the show everyone was jumpy and happy, except Ashton. Ashton messed up countless drum solos and thought let the fans down.

Luke was excited because he had gotten his vocals deeper and the fans were in love with it.

Mikey had nailed ever guitar solo, on point with every beat.

Calum was really happy because he got to tell a fan who had self harm scars they're beautiful and made her cry of joy.

"We played an epic show tonight, boys!" Luke said, taking out his earpiece.

Calum and Michael nodded in a agreement, but Ash held back.

Luke noticed, and frowned, but left it alone, not wanting to bring anything up in front of the others.

Ashton gave Luke a small smile, telling him he was okay. But Luke knew better. Ash needed him.

~*~

Ashton threw himself on the hotel bed and made a noise somewhere between a groan and a sigh.

Luke crawled beside him. "Ash..."

"Luke, why can't I be good enough? Why can't I do anything right? I'm a failure."

Luke gasped, not expecting those words. "Ashton Fletcher Irwin, you are not a failure. To me, you're far from it. And you can do stuff right. If you couldn't drum correctly, would you be the drummer for 5 Seconds Of Summer?"

Ashton shook his head, still buried in the blanket.

"I didn't think so. Now tell me, why would you be a failure?"

"I messed up the entire show tonight. I sucked."

"Ash, you made a few mistakes. It happens. We got through it, didn't we?"

Ashton got up. "I'm sorry Luke." There were tears in his eyes.

He stood and walked into the bathroom.

"Ashton-" he closed the door.

Ashton turned to the sink. The mirror showed what he only knew as what he hated most.

He opened the medicine cabinet and pulled out what he wants most.

The tears fell and he pulled off his shirt.

There was a bang on the door.

"Ashton please... Do not hurt yourself. I- I don't want you to end up as bad as you used to be, okay? Come out here and talk to me."

"No thanks, I like it better in here."

"Ashton Irwin open this door!"

"I can't do that." One slice.

"Ash, please, I just wanna help." There's a second.

"I'm begging you, you're worth more than this, Ashton."

"I'm not, really." There goes a third.

"Yes you are. Now come out here."

Deeper, he thought. And then, instead of little crimson beads, there was a a river of blood.

His mind flashed back to the old days, where he saw no future for him, all he wanted was to die.

His breath quickened and he dropped the blade.

"ASHTON PLEASE!" Luke yelled, crying.

Ashton rocked back and forth on the bathroom floor, watching the blood pool on the floor next to him.

Ashton heard the hotel room door open and Calum's voice "what's going on? Is everything okay?"

"No." Luke sobbed.

If you tell him, I swear to god... Ashton thought.

"Ashton... He.. He's back in old habits." Luke cried.

Ashton's tears started falling rapidly, and he felt himself panicking.

No, he thought, I can't have a panic attack now.

His breath quickened and the walls felt like they were closing in. He fell back on the floor, knowing he couldn't stop it.

He felt like screaming, but no one knew what was happening.

Meanwhile, Calum and Luke were trying to get ash to open the door so they could help him.

"Ashton? Ash? Can you hear us?"

There was no answer.

"ASHTON"

"Lu-Luke, what's going on? Do you think he cut too deep? I'm scared."

"No, he hasn't gotten that bad yet. He must be having an attack or something." Luke answered.

Calum nodded, still banging on the door.

Finally, a blood-covered, tear-stained ashton answered.

"I-I'm sorry.." He looked down and more tears fell.

"There's nothing to be sorry about. I should've known better than to let you go into the bathroom." Luke answered.

"Ashton... What are the fans going to say..?" Calum asked.

"Nothing. They aren't going to know. Okay?" He responded.

Ashton pushed by them and sat on the bed. "I'm sorry if I disappointed you guys. I thought I was done with this too."

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A/n: this is really long lol.

Btw, this is luke tops. I only write ash tops in mashton.

And I'm trying to update everything before my Christmas break is over, so yeah. And I wanna start a malum story, but idk what to write about lol.

Okay, Merry Christmas and all that!

~abby