Dying on the inside || Lashton

12

(trigger warning :( )
_______________________
Ashton had been feeling better since the interview. he felt like he really put out a message, for their fans, or anyone who was willing to listen for help for what they're going through. he smiled a lot more, and accepted compliments, and spoke confidently, as to inspire someone.

but that was just the act he'd put on.

and even Luke started to believe it.

Luke had been getting distant, but a good distant. he trusted Ashton in the bathroom alone again, he didn't check his wrists every morning, or ask how he was feeling at night to stay up with him if he was upset.

but as Luke distanced, Ashton worsened again. he had a system down, that way no one would figure out what he was doing. he was cutting up his wrists every three nights. it wasn't to die anymore though, he wasn't suicidal these days. he wanted to live, for Luke. but he still had to kill the demons inside somehow. they wouldn't let him be happy.

so only on days they arrive to hotels, he'd hide in the bathroom, saying he was taking a shower as Luke went to bed, and slept. he'd run the water long after he got out, taking a small blade he kept in his bags, too small for Luke to notice, and sliced a few times.

he convinced himself it was only to take out the voices of anxiety and depression so he could stay Alive. but, he was still slowly killing himself.

~*~

Ashton crawled into Luke's bed after his 'shower' to get some rest. Luke stirred, smiling up at Ashton. ash seemed taken aback, as he realized Luke hadn't slept yet.

"hey there, how was your shower?" Luke seemed questioning, as if he knew something was up.

ahah. if only you knew. "oh it was nice, it's a real nice shower at this hotel."

"mhm." Luke responded. "hey, um, how's your mind been? are things okay? and, have you hurt yourself?" he almost whispered.

"I- um, no, I'm not okay Luke." he paused, trying to think of how to say yeah Luke, I just cut myself!, but he stopped instead.

"oh Ashton. I'm so sorry I've been distant. you seemed a little better." Luke pulled Ashton really close, and held him, seeming as if he was going to forever protect him, never let go.

"n-no, Luke, I am. a little bit. but. but this doesn't heal over night. it's going to take shitloads of work. and that's what people don't understand. mental health care is not an easy thing. it takes a lot of work. an-and I'm sorry you have to put up with helping me." tears rolled down Ashton's cheeks, still uncertain how to tell Luke that he's been harming himself, but not wanting to lie about it.

"Ashton, I know that, and I'm not fucking going anywhere. understand that please. I will always be here, but I can't tell just by looking at you that you need me. you have to tell me when something's up so I can be there." Luke's voice broke on 'there'. he was crying, the tears falling on Ashton's head that was pulled into his chest, as Ashton clinged to Luke.

"I'm not good at telling people what's happening, I feel judged, crazy, or like I'm looking for attention or something."

"you're not. you're not and I know that and you never will be. I love you. What you're feeling is valid, and I understand that, and I will help you through it. but you don't need to explain if you don't want to, just tell me something's happening, and I'll be there, I will hold you through it, and I'll keep you safe. but please, promise me you will let me help you." Ashton sobbed into Luke's chest as he spoke to Ash.

I can't promise that, cutting out the horrid voices keep me alive. ash thought. but he loves Luke. so of course, "okay. I promise. for you. to stay Alive and well. for you." he choked out between sobs.

"thank you. Ashton, you're beautiful. you're extremely talented. youve got the most amazing personality I've ever seen. your smile can light up New York City alone. you're the most affectionate person ever. you're adorable when you laugh, and you cover your mouth with sweater paws, and you're hot when you wake up with natural curls, and tired eyes. you're sexy as hell when you're drumming on stage, holding our band together. your entire being is amazing. fuck what your anxiety is telling you. you're the best human being I've ever met in my life. I fucking love you with all my heart. remember that." Luke cried.

"oh Luke, I love you more than I could ever describe in words. thank you for saving my life. thank you for being everything I'll ever need." Ashton was tired, drifting off and sobbing, curling up as close as he could get to Luke.

And that's how they stayed. lying in the middle of the bed, pressed as close together they could get. the two small boys, completely in love with each other.

________________
A/N:
look how fluffy. so fluffy. so sad, but so fluffy.

hi I love this story so much and I hope you love it as much as I love it thank you (':

uM thoughts? opinions? predictions? leave your comments please I love feedback (':

okay, as always, I love you all, stay strong, don't trigger yourselves with this, and stay beautiful (: ❤️❤️

~abs !! 💗💗🏳️‍🌈