Dying on the inside || Lashton

9

Luke woke up around 10 a.m. Now, he was wondering around the house that they pushed their career through. The only other sound heard in the house was Michael's tv, probably video games that he hasn't stopped playing since 11 p.m. last night. Luke finally sat down in the kitchen after making himself tea and sighed.

The next this he knew, there were footsteps on the stairs. Luke wished it was Ashton, but knew it probably wasn't because Ash sleeps late. Calum's voice was heard as he approached the kitchen counter in his boxers.

"mornin'" Calum grumbled.

"let me guess: Michael's video games woke you up again?" Luke asked.

"uh huh."

Calum sat down with his bowl of cereal, rubbing his eyes to wake up more. "but why are you up?"

"oh, I just- um, bad dream."

"oh, I bet. it was probably some really hot dream about Ashton where-"

"its not like that!" Luke cut him off, flustered.

"maybe you guys aren't there yet, but I'm almost positive your dreams are, especially by the way you just reacted."

Luke grumbled some nonsense and a few swears at Calum while getting up and walking back up stairs. He was already tired of hearing Calum's input on his and Ash's relationship, and its only been a day.

Luke opened Ashton's door to find him awake, and franticly pulling through all of his stuff.

"uh, Ashton? what are you looking for?"

"the bracelet! it was from my mother! it was the, ah, the white and blue one! It isn't here! What if I left it at a hotel, o-or a venue or a fan took it? I- I love that bracelet, it means s-so much and-"

"Ash..?"Luke picked up the one underneath his phone on his bedside table. it was woven, like half of his other bracelets. This bracelet had a sideways 'A' woven in it, with blue and white wrapped several times around it. It had a small bloodstain, probably from throwing it on after cutting himself once. "I think I found it."

Ashton whipped around, immediately smiling when seeing it. "ohmygosh! where was it? I looked everywhere! I didn't see it?"

Luke smiled. "it was underneath your phone, silly." he kissed his cheek before sliding his hands down to his wrists, feeling the 4-day-old scars, and pulled him closer. "it's okay, you have it"

~*~

Ashton walked around the city, all alone while the boys played Fifa indoors. It was okay, Ashton enjoyed walks alone anyways. He just wished that the boys would do something they all would enjoy together. They always seem to play Fifa when one of the is bored, but Ashton doesn't like Fifa, so instead, he goes on walks, or tries to meet some fans, or get a coffee. Today, he planned on all three.

He pushed his bracelets up as he looked around for a coffee shop. One caught on his cuts and he grimaced, closing his eyes for only seconds. when he opened his eyes, there were teenage girls surrounding him. He smiled, knowing how much each of them cared about him.

he took pictures with them, signed phones, had small conversations with a few, hugged a ton of them. there was one who was crying, so he hugged her tighter, and she whispered that '5sos saved my life', and ashton nearly cried. He had made a huge change in this girl's life through his music. that was everything to him. He handed her a bracelet, telling her to stay strong, and continued his way through the crowd.

He found a Starbucks around the corner and walked inside. he ordered a grande caramel Frappuccino, and waited for his drink. Once receiving it, he sat down at a table by the window. He quietly drank his Frappuccino and watched the city outside.

Cities always interested him, ever since he was little. They never stopped. They were always busy, it was like they never had time to stop and think. he imagined how much different his life would be if he didn't stop to think. Ashton probably wouldn't have anxiety this bad, and he wouldn't hate himself as much. He might've even be happy. although, without life like this, Luke wouldn't be his.

~*~

Ashton walked inside the house to hear the boys yelling about the video game.

"fuck you, Calum." Michael groaned.

"When?" Ashton could hear the smirk in Calum's voice.

Luke's laugh was heard as Michael mumbled something like "I'm gunna punch you..."

Ashton walked into the living room where Michael had his Playstation4 set up.

"Ashy!!!" Luke smiled and motioned for him to sit with him. Ashton blushed at the nickname, not expecting it. Ashton sat down and Luke reached around him and cuddled Ash while playing the game. Eventually, Ashton fell asleep under Luke's hold. The other three were just talking now, they had shut off the game about ten minutes ago.

"How's Ashton doing?" Calum asked, his smile dropping.

"wait- you guys knew too?" Michael asked as Luke's hand dropped to Ashton's wrist, gently rubbing over the scars.

"of course we knew, you idiot." Calum rolled his eyes like it was the stupidest question to ask.

"uh.. he's doing okay, I think. I mean, its been a few days since he, ah- since-"

"you don't have to say it.." Michael whispered.

"I made him promise not to, but I'm not sure how long it'll last." Luke said, quietly.

"I don't want to be constantly on top of him, but I want to make sure he's okay, and his thinking is on track, and that he isn't... hurting himself.." Calum said. The boys nodded in agreement.

Keeping someone in Ashton's mindset safe from all of that is hard. Its not like a you're trying to keep a little kid from playing in the street, that physical. this is emotional and mental. Its not like you can keep someone out of their own brain.

You can put them on medication, but that usually makes things worse. Then, they aren't even thinking for themselves sometimes. Being constantly on top of them makes them more anxious or upset as well. The best way is to check up on them every few days, and leave a physical reminder, like a note, or an alarm, or even telling them not to hurt themselves and to think positively. Some people eventually even get a tattoo with something or a piece of writing that reminds them to keep battling.

The boys weren't sure what to do about ashton's situation. They stayed silent and they watched the depressed boy sleep. They just wanted everything to be okay.