I'm sorry i love you | k.jd

vii

I stare at the glass window of a store, and sigh. I put a hand over my heart, and try to feel the thumping of it, but of course it's still. My hand falls to my side again, and I sigh frustratedly. I roll up the sleeves of my sweatshirt, the same sweatshirt that I died in, and frown at my reflection in the window. I tug at the hood of my sweatshirt, and try to take it off.

The sweatshirt seems as if it's somehow stuck to me, and I give up exasperatedly.

I want to go back to Jongdae's apartment, so that I can talk to him, but I need some time alone right now. Last night he said that I 'hurt his heart,' but he was so drunk that it was probably just nonsense. Plus he probably meant it was because I was one of his closest friends, and then I went and died. Now that I think of it, it is pretty messed up.

I wish I was still alive, I wish I could have a two sided conversation with Jongdae again, and I wish I hadn't taken my life for granted so much. I sigh. I was such a brat, and along with my age and appearance, that's another thing that will never change about me. I still am, and probably always will be a brat. I hate myself so much.

I slap myself on the face, but to my disappointment, I don't feel any pain. As much as I hate being a ghost and not being able to interact with anyone besides other ghosts, I don't deserve this. This, being that for dying, this is pretty good treatment. I deserve to be punished and feel endless pain.

I wonder... will I go to heaven or hell? I think, rubbing my chin. I wasn't a horrible person, I didn't kill anyone or commit any extremely evil sin, but I also wasn't a good person, I did absolutely nothing to deserve going to heaven. I sigh. I used to never worry about whether I would go to heaven or hell after I died, but I guess I didn't have to.

I wish death was like how I had originally thought it was—where when one dies then it's over, no afterlife, no more pain, you're just dead. Sometimes I just wanted to escape life, but now I realize that death is much more painful. In death you have to watch all your loved ones suffer and be sad, yet you can't do anything except sit and watch them.

...

By the time I finally gather up my courage to go follow Jongdae again, it's mid afternoon, so he's at work. I've memorized by heart where he works and his route there, so it doesn't take long to get there, especially since I hitch a ride on a subway. Surprisingly, I don't fall through the subway, and I wonder if it's because it's a train.

I shrug, I don't want to get too involved into such a simple question, and waste hours upon hours thinking about it. But then again I do have a lot of time to waste after all, I've got three whole years. I can just use up those three years spying on Jongdae. I think, blushing, then stop. I furrow my eyebrows. "Wait what?" I itch my chin. "Why was I thinking that?" I wonder aloud.

...

When I get to Jongdae's work building, I enter his office. At his desk, he sits, typing something on his laptop, while furiously scribbling down on a yellow pad of paper.

I walk over to where he's working. "Hi Jongdae!" I greet him cheerfully.

As usual, Jongdae doesn't respond, and continues working.

"Hey Jongdae, are you-" I begin, but I'm cut off when someone enters in the office.

It's a really cute looking short girl with wavy caramel colored hair, and fair skin. She looks like the one of those girls that even while wearing something simple, could still look like she just came out of a fashion magazine. "Hello Jongdae! I'm sorry to bother you, but I have to tell you something." she says.

Jongdae looks up from writing something down. "Hi, Yoon Bomi." He greets quietly.

Bomi walks up to him, up to the spot that I'm standing, and walks right through me. When she walks through me, I feel a wave of nausea wash over me, and my stomach twists into a tight knot. I didn't know that I could even feel that, I guess I just can't feel pain or something. I realize.