I'm sorry i love you | k.jd

ix

"How do you know when you like someone?" I ask, biting my lip.

"When that person is constantly on your mind, when you get jealous whenever their attention is on someone else, and when you somehow get excited and nervous and happy all at the same time when you spend time with them." Myungsoo answers. "Why?"

I shrug. "I just wanted to know." I reply, vaguely.

Krystal raises her eyebrows at me. "Ooh, do you like someone?" She investigates, looking suddenly interested.

I shake my head, but my cheeks turn red against my efforts not to. "No." I say, half believing myself.

Myungsoo flicks my forehead. "Don't lie when you're obviously so bad at it."

I roll my eyes. "Teenagers these days." I complain.

Krystal smiles, knowingly. I guess she must have to deal with him all the time. "Just out of curiosity, how old were you when you died? And how many years have you been a ghost?"

"I was twenty three when I died, and I've just recently died," I answer.

"When I died, I was nineteen, and I've been a ghost for two years, so I would be twenty one if I were alive." Myungsoo informs me.

Krystal taps her chin, thinking. "If I were alive, then I would be twenty years old." She finally says.

I stick my tongue out at them. "Ha! I'm older than both of you!"

Myungsoo rolls his eyes. "By two years, geez." He grumbles.

I stick my tongue out. "Still counts!"

"No it doesn't!"

"Hey, stop that hurts!"

"Too bad!"

...

"Hey, Jongdae, look at the sky. It's so pretty!" I exclaim, staring up at the sky in wonder.

Jongdae stares down into his lap, seeming extremely bored. Then his apartment building comes into view, and he taps Bomi on the shoulder. "This is where I live." He says.

Bomi nods. "This is our stop." She tells the taxi driver. The taxi pulls into the parking lot, and excluding the driver, we all get out.

Jongdae hands Bomi twenty thousand won. "This should cover the taxi expenses."

Bomi shakes her head, refusing the money. "Keep it."

Jongdae practically shoves the money to Bomi, and she finally gives in. "Thanks." She says.

Jongdae nods. "Thank you too," he says. "Bye, see you at work." Then he and I start heading towards his apartment. Suddenly Bomi runs towards Jongdae, and engulfs him in a hug.

"Jongdae," she whispers his name, her voice sounding urgent. "Please don't do that to yourself again."

Shocked, yet too polite to squirm out of her embrace, Jongdae stays still.

Immediately, I look away, and feel my stomach squeeze itself into a tight knot. I want so badly to be human again, I want to be able to run up to them and pry Bomi off of Jongdae. Being a ghost is hard, I can't do anything that involves physical or verbal contact or communication. I can't believe that all I can do right now is stand here and do nothing. I hate it, I hate it so much!

When I look back at Jongdae, Bomi has let go of him and left. I peer at Jongdae, to see his facial expression. His face is blank, and does not show any trace of human emotion. Slowly, Jongdae and I walk towards the building again.

...

I walk into Jongdae's room, and throw myself onto his bed. As expected, I fall onto the ground. "Congrats on getting discharged!" I congratulate Jongdae.

Then I realize that Jongdae isn't even in the room. Where could he be? I wonder, curiously. I check his closet, and he's not there, I check the kitchen, but he's also not there. In the corner of my eye, I catch sight of the bathroom door, and shrug. "Maybe he's in there...?" I guess.

When I enter the bathroom, I see something that makes me cringe. It's Jongdae, kneeling in front of the toilet bowl, and I sigh. He's throwing up again. On purpose. I walk next to Jongdae. "Stop it Jongdae! This is really unhealthy for you!" I scold him.

It seems as if Jongdae's finally had enough, and stops. He lets himself fall onto the ground, and stares up at the ceiling. Luckily his eyes are still open, so I know that he's still conscious, and I'm about to yell at him more, when suddenly he gets up and exits the bathroom.

He goes straight to his desk, which is in his bedroom, and pulls out a small leather bound notebook out of a drawer.

The first page, at the top, says the words, 'Dear Seo Hye,' and I smile when I realize that he's probably writing some kind of letter to me. "How sweet." I coo.

He flips the pages to his latest entry, and writes right under the most recent one. He writes the date, and when I lean towards the book to see what he's writing, his arm covers up the page from my view.

"Rude." I scoff, scowling. I just decide to sit on the ground, while counting the many cracks in the ceiling, until he finishes.

After about ten minutes of this, Jongdae stops writing and decides to go to bed.

Even though he can't see me, I make sure that he's asleep before going to his desk again. "Did you leave your notebook open?" I say aloud, hoping that he did. He did, and I smile victoriously. "Yes!" I cheer. Then I start reading.

"Sorry I didn't write yesterday, I was at the hospital and just got discharged today. I've been diagnosed with bulimia, and I'm honestly not sure how to react to that. Am I supposed to be sad? Or angry? Scared? Disgusted?" I frown at that part.

"Seriously, these days it seems as if I'm a zombie, I'm supposed to be dead, yet some part of me is still alive for some reason. I kind of feel like this is like you too. If you're dead, then why can't I accept that?"

I sigh. You're not the only one, Jongdae, I also can't believe that I'm dead.

"I must be an idiot, writing this, when I know that you'll never see it. It's just that I feel like I have no one else to tell. Today Bomi hugged me... And I suspect that she might like me. I mean Bomi's a really nice girl—she's cute, pretty, bubbly, and caring, but I just don't feel like she's anything more than a sister to me."

I snort at that part. "She's kinda annoying too." I scoff.

I continue reading on. "I'm sorry, Seo Hye, I'm sorry that I can't move on. I'm sorry that I'm such a jerk, an idiot, I'm sorry that I'm such a failure." I furrow my eyebrows. "Why are you apologizing to me? And you're not a jerk, an idiot, nor are you a failure."

"I'm so sorry Seo Hye, I apologize from the deepest depths of my heart." Now I'm super confused. What is he apologizing for? I wonder.

Trying to figure out why he's apologizing, I start reading where I left off again."I'm sorry I love you."