I'm sorry i love you | k.jd

xv

"Oh, you dropped your phone." Bomi says, handing Jongdae his phone.

Jongdae smiles, and takes it back. "Thank you." He says.

"But I couldn't help noticing," Bomi begins, and I roll my eyes.

Of course you couldn't. I think, disgustedly.

"The picture of that girl for your lock screen, who is she?" Bomi questions, nosily.

"Oh, her? That's Jongdae's crush, Park Seo Hye." Minseok chimes in.

Jongdae's cheeks turn red, as red as the painting of a fire truck. "I don't have a crush on her!" He denies, blushing.

Minseok rolls his eyes. "Right." He murmurs, loud enough for Jongdae to hear. "Oh yeah, how is Seo Hye, by the way?" Minseok asks. "I haven't seen her in a while."

At the mention of my name, I immediately stiffen up, and Jongdae does the same. All moisture and spit in my mouth has magically disappeared, as my mouth has suddenly gone dry.

"She... um... Seo Hye, she's well." Jongdae answers, and I feel a wave of gratitude wash over me.

Minseok nods. "Tell her that I said hi." He requests, and Jongdae nods. But I notice the momentary gulp that Jongdae takes before nodding.

I don't know why, but I'm just so glad that Jongdae didn't tell them that I'm dead. It makes me feel as if I'm not dead, as if the accident never happened in the first place, and I'm ever so thankful. I flash Jongdae a wide, winning smile.

"Thanks, Jongdae." I say.

Jongdae, Bomi, and Minseok go their separate ways, as I follow Jongdae, and all the way I'm grinning from ear to ear.

...

After everyone's left, Jongdae's still at work. It's eleven pm, and he's fallen asleep on his desk. I lean close to him. "Jongdae," I coax. "Wake up." I whisper.

Jongdae frowns a little. "No..." he says. "Stop..."

"Are you having a bad dream?" I ask, worriedly.

Jongdae's frown grows even deeper. "No. No, no no no." He mumbles. Suddenly he jolts upright. "It was just a dream..." he says to himself, disoriented, with a hint of sadness in his eyes.

"How bad was it?" I question, wondering what kind of nightmare had caused him to be so upset.

Jongdae hugs his knees on his chair, and buries his face in them. For a few minutes it's silent. Finally Jongdae lifts his head and based on how quiet it is, I expect to see tears rolling down his cheeks. However his face is entirely dry, and I sigh, feeling miffed.

Jongdae never cries. Ever. Not when he broke his arm last year, not when got rejected by hundreds of jobs that he applied for, and not even when his mother only comes to him for money—like yesterday. He needs to cry, not so that he can waste his tears on me, but because if he doesn't, then he'll never be able to move on.

If he doesn't, then he's going to bottle his feelings inside, and although doing so may somehow seem considerate, no one can ever be stoical for that long.

"Jongdae, don't waste your time and thoughts on me." I tell him. "I'm not worth it, I'm not even alive anymore, so please move on." I advise him, and I try to truly mean it.

Honestly I don't want him to move on, I want him to love me forever, but that's not healthy. It's okay for him to mourn over my death, but it's definitely not okay for him to stay hung up over me. He needs to move on, he needs to open his heart, so that he won't be miserable anymore.

"I'm so sorry, Seo Hye," he sniffs. "I'm so sorry that I couldn't save you. You d–died, and it's all my fault." He stutters, and he stares out the window on his office. His expression is one of utter misery and despair. "It's all my fault." He repeats, looking hollow and fragile.

No, Jongdae.

It's all my fault.