I'm sorry i love you | k.jd

xi

One by one, I watch the petals of numerous flowers drift in the air. I reach out, to touch them, but as expected, nothing happens as they aren't swayed by my non-existent touch. I sigh, and look up at the pink, orange, and yellow sunsetting sky.

"Are you okay?" I hear, and I turn around slowly, not in any rush to see who it is.

"Hi Myungsoo." I say, my voice monotone, and not containing any trace of my usual enthusiasm or happiness when greeting someone.

Myungsoo eyes me oddly. "What's wrong?" He questions.

I smile forcefully. "Nothing."

Myungsoo sits down next to me on the grass. "You're really really bad at lying, stop already." He says.

"Well, I'm sorry that I don't meet your expectations." I spit out, irritatedly. Why is it that I have to meet such standards when I'm dead? Why is it that I have to be dead?

Myungsoo looks down into his lap, seeming a little hurt. "I'm sorry." He mumbles, and I sigh.

"Alright, I'm really sorry." I sincerely apologize. "It's just that..." I bite my lip. Can I trust him? I wonder.

"What?" Myungsoo anticipates. "You're what?"

"Well—I—there's this... Um... Well.. I um like someone." I stumble over my words.

Myungsoo's eyes light up like lights for a Christmas display. "I knew it!" He shouts. "So did you confess yet?" He inquires.

I shake my head. "I can't."

Myungsoo's eyebrows arch. "Why? Are you embarrassed? You should confess, soon. I mean you don't know how long he'll be here before his three years are up." Myungsoo tells me.

I take a large intake of air. "Oh I wouldn't worry about that, he'll be here much longer than three years." I mumble.

Myungsoo's eyes widen. "How? That's not possible!" He shrieks, not believing me. "I mean if he's dead then he can't..." Myungsoo stops mid sentence, as understanding dawns to him. "Wait, so he's still alive?"

I nod vigorously. "Yeah."

"Oh..."

I throw my hands up in the air. "So what do I do about this?" I screech. "He was my best friend, and I found out too late. And he likes me too!" I yell, my voice echoing in the wind.

Myungsoo rubs his chin, looking so thoughtful and wise that I just want to give him a long grey beard and a wooden cane. "Well, you can watch over him, making sure that he's okay. And the only way for you two to end up together..." Myungsoo's voice trails off.

"...Is for him to die." I finish off for Myungsoo, and he nods, confirming my words. I sigh, a long sigh filled with a lot of emotions. Tiredness, frustration, anger, annoyance, and yet much more. I lie down on the grass, and stare up at the now fairly dark sky. "Ugh, life, no death, is hard."

Myungsoo lies down on the ground next to me. "Yeah, but when you end up with the one that loves you, and the one that you love, it's worth it." He says, probably thinking of Krystal.

"How's Krystal, by the way?" I question, wondering why she isn't here.

Myungsoo sits up abruptly. I sit up as well.

"Are you okay?" I ask Myungsoo, who seems slightly shaken.

Myungsoo bites his lip, and turns to face me. His usual unfazed and bold façade is gone, and is shaved clean away by a young, frightened, dismal, and very unlike-Myungsoo version of him. The hair on my head stands on end, and I start to feel genuinely worried for him.

I start to wonder if this is how Myungsoo always feels inside, and if his normal confident self is really just something to hide this part of him.

Then I think back to when I first met him. He'd told me that he died of anorexia, and I'd been extremely doubtful of that, but now I'm not so sure. Then I turn back to Myungsoo, and am taken back by the amount of distress on his face.

"Hey, what's wrong?" I question, hoping that I didn't say anything to cause him to feel such a feeling. Myungsoo is sometimes a little bratty and sassy to me, but he's a good person. Whatever he went through, it must've been painful, much more so than my simple death.

"Krystal, she um..." Myungsoo's voice falters, and he closes his eyes.

I'm about to ask if she died, but then I remember that she's already dead. I awkwardly pat Myungsoo's back, trying to make him feel better. "It's okay, you don't have to tell me." I take back my words.

Myungsoo shakes his head stubbornly. "It's fine, it was bound to happen anyway, it's just that I didn't expect it to happen so soon, you know?" I nod, not really understanding what he's getting at. I decide not to ask.

"She... Um... Krystal, she, her time, her three years are up." Myungsoo finally answers, and I understand why he was so shaken by my simple question.

I wonder if Myungsoo is going to cry, but he doesn't. Of course he doesn't. He's strong, and isn't the type to burst out crying, he seems like the type that just pretends to be okay when he's feeling upset. Kind of like Jongdae. I realize how miserable Jongdae's life could be right now—his dad is always busy and never in contact with him, his mom doesn't give a damn about what he's doing, one his best friends—me—died, and he has bulimia.

Then I remember that Myungsoo's next to me. I give him a hug, hoping that my arms won't fall through him. They don't, and I'm able to grasp Myungsoo tightly in my arms.

"I'm so sorry." I whisper into Myungsoo's ear.

Myungsoo doesn't answer, but it's okay, and I understand why.

Times like these are when I really wish to be alive again. For Myungsoo, I'm happy that I'm dead because then I wouldn't be able to comfort him in Krystal leaving, but I mean for Jongdae. I want to be able to talk to Jongdae, to comfort him, to be able to apologize for being such an oblivious jerk.

As I keep patting Myungsoo's back, I repeat, "It's going to be okay, it'll be okay." And I wonder if I'm trying to convince Myungsoo or myself.

A/N: i know, some of you are probably confused as to why he died of anorexia, and not leukemia. i actually went back and changed his cause of death because i realized that dying of leukemia tends to be a little cliche in these kind of ffs. i'm not mocking anyone that this actually happened to irl or that wrote this in their ff/bk, and i'm truly sorry if this hurt anyone's feelings. i just wanted to make myungsoo different from the others, and add some depth to his character. again, i'm so sorry for the inconvenience, and hope that it didn't make anyone too confused or anything. also, i accidentally published this chapter earlier, and sorry about that too ^^;;;. no one was supposed to see that, and if anyone read that, it's obviously pretty different from this chapter, which is the one that is supposed to be published.