I'm sorry i love you | k.jd

xiii

"Where do you always go, anyway?" Myungsoo questions, tilting his head.

I tap my chin, contemplating whether or not I should tell Myungsoo. I mean we've become pretty close, and I can definitely trust him, but my answer actually seems like one of a stalker's. I bite my lip. "I... um... watch and follow Jongdae." I answer, feeling like I have no life. Wow, that was wrongly worded. I do have no life, physically.

Myungsoo laughs, a very sincere laugh, one filled with nothing but mirth. Not used to this side of him, I stare at him a little oddly.

Eventually he stops laughing, and realizes me staring at him. "What?" He questions, his smile fading.

I shake my head. "Nothing." Then I get up, off the grass.

Myungsoo raises his eyebrows at me. "Where are you going?" He asks, his eyes filled with panic at the thought me leaving.

"Um, to stalk Jongdae," I answer. "Do you want to come with me?" I question, my voice soft.

Myungsoo shakes his head, the panic in his eyes gone. "Nah, I have some things to sort through." He tells me, and I realize that he's referring to Krystal. Since she's not here anymore, Myungsoo always seems a bit lonely and sad—a one hundred eighty degree turn in personality from his usual cocky and confident one.

"What?" Myungsoo says again, cocking his head at me confusedly.

I shake my head again, and smile. "It's nothing," I reply.

...

"Jongdae!" I exclaim. "Where are we going?" I ask him, curiously.

Jongdae stares out of the window, smiling, and enjoying the view of the nature. I notice that the nature here is much different from the busy city of Seoul. We've been in this taxi for about four hours, and I'm starting to get antsy.

Suddenly Jongdae turns to the driver. "Here, this is my destination." He says.

The driver nods, and Jongdae hands him several won. "Thank you." He bows, and ducks out of the taxi.

I climb out of the taxi as well, and though doing this will do nothing to my lungs, I breathe in.

"Wow, the air here is so fresh." Jongdae comments to himself, and I wonder if it really is.

"Is it?" I question, wishing that I could feel the difference too.

Jongdae starts walking, and I follow, trailing slightly behind him. I look around, and spot a lean lamppost, that tugs at the back of my mind. Why does it look so familiar? I wonder.

Suddenly Jongdae makes a sharp turn, and having been distracted with the setting around me, I struggle to keep up with him. "Hey, wait up!" I shout.

Then I run next to Iongdae again. "Thanks so much for ditching me." I grumble.

Then Jongdae opens the front of a large black gate. He enters inside, and I follow him in. I turn towards him. "Where are we?" I inquire, not really looking around. Then I decide to look around, to figure out where I am. There are tombstones and those giant stone crosses everywhere—it's a cemetery.

Jongdae makes his way to one particular tombstone, and I raise my eyebrows. "Why're we here?" I ask, feeling puzzled. Jongdae lays down a bouquet of white lilies that I didn't realize until now that he was holding, onto the ground right in front of the tombstone.

"Who's tombstone is this?" I scratch my chin. I amble over to him, and my happy mood immediately dissipates when I see the writing on the stone.

At the top of the tombstone, it reads, "Park Seo Hye."

...

"Born on January twenty first, nineteen ninety two. Died on October eleventh, two thousand sixteen." I read, and feel an odd feeling pass over me. I can't describe it. It feels like a vague mix of disappointment, anger, melancholiness, and shock. But how would one feel after seeing their very own tombstone? Then I realize that it's already been two months since my death. How'd time fly by so fast?

Despite myself, I keep reading. "Will be missed by many." I read, and smile even though this isn't the situation in which one smiles. Suddenly, I realize why this place looks so familiar to me. It's Suncheon, where I was born, and originally lived before moving to Seoul for college.

I smile, feeling a bit more cheered up. "At least they buried me where I spent most of my life," I say, and frown slightly. Where I spent most of my life. I spent eighteen years here, but that shouldn't have been most of my life. I should've lived longer! I'll never be able to get into a serious relationship with anyone, I'll never be able to get married, and I'll never be able to have kids.

I'll never be able to have a family of my own, and mostly, I'll never be able to tell Jongdae that I love him. That I'm sorry that I found out so late.

Sorry that I was so mean to him. Sorry that I was so oblivious. Sorry that I was a complete and utter brat. Sorry that I had to die. Sorry that I can't tell him that I love him. Sorry that I can't tell him that I'm sorry. Sorry for everything. "I'm so sorry Jongdae, so so sorry for so many things." I say, sorrowfully.

Jongdae sits next to my tombstone, his head resting on the stone part, and his eyes closed.

"Stop Jongdae," I say. "Later your neck is going to hurt a lot if you do that."

Even though Jongdae's eyes are closed, he isn't sleeping, and to my great surprise, he murmurs in a sleepy, tired, and exasperated voice, "I really miss you, Seo Hye." He rubs his eyes. "Why'd you have to leave me all alone?"

A/N: this ff might actually be coming to an end soon, i'm not exactly sure when, but i'm just saying this so that it doesn't randomly end, without anyone knowing