The Comeback

Chapter 32 - Hurting

Chapter 32 - Hurting

I feel torn. Between happy because she believes me and angry because she’s happy, I see it in her eyes, the excitement because Jake is still around somehow, even if that defies everything she always believed in. I’m angry because she’s happy for Jake and I try to tell myself that it’s not okay for me to feel like this because I don’t really love her, I thought I loved her but that was Jake, only Jake.

“How… how is this even possible?” She asks, still shaking, raising her hand to reach me but realising Jake is not here, it’s me. I’m physically here. “He died. He had a funeral. I was there. I recognised his body!”

I cringe, imagining how hard it was for her that moment, and she was probably alone, with no one to hold her, no one to comfort her while her world was falling apart. I didn’t know her by then, I couldn’t have given her the support she needed. But again, even if I had known her by then, I wouldn’t have felt this need to comfort her because Jake wouldn't have made me feel like this for her.

“He’s dead,” I say and she presses her lips together in a thin white line, holding back the sobs. “But he’s not completely gone, Cassie.”

I couldn’t go, he supports in my head and I close my eyes, tired of this but I know that I have to do it.

“But why… isn’t he… uh… resting?” She inquires and I know she’s confused and worried and I can’t fight the impulse this time, I lean in and grab her hand, squeezing it.

“He will, once he finishes his business here,” I offer as an answer and she frowns. I’ve told her already, but I don’t blame her if she can’t remember exactly what I told her that Jake’s purpose was. “Cassie, he died the night he was determined to tell you about his feelings. He died with that unresolved and he refuses to leave until you know, until you understand that he loved you. He loved you as much as you did, maybe more. I’ve seen the way he felt for you, I saw with my own eyes how he stopped seeing you as a friend and saw you as a girl, and how he fell in love, years ago. I saw all that and I can tell you, he loved you so much. He loved you with all his soul.”

By the time I finish saying that, she’s crying harder, the tears unstoppable running down her cheeks, sobs escaping from her lips as her body shakes softly. She pulls her hand back, hugging herself as she tries to keep it all together, but she’s falling, falling to pieces. I can see it and it’s breaking my own heart.

“He was afraid to tell you, to change things between you two. He never found the right time to confess and he… he died trying, I guess.”

I know I’ve said the wrong thing the moment she stands up and gives her back to me, covering her face with her hands as she cries and cries. I see her and I’m dying inside and I know it has nothing to do with Jake because I would react the same way if I saw any other girl crying. But it’s worse when I see Cassidy because her smile… her smile is the most precious thing and it is lost right now, she’s only crying.

I rise to my feet myself and step closer, carefully taking her body and pulling her towards me as to give her some comfort. I know Jake is at unease, he is desperate because he can’t comfort her himself and he’s letting me because he knows I’m the only one who can do this.

Cassidy cries on my chest, holding on to me for dear life.

“I should’ve told him… I should’ve told him so long ago! He wouldn’t have driven drunk that night, trying to tell me. It’s my fault! I should’ve told him!” She cries out against my chest and I hold her even tighter.

“No, no, don’t say that,” I beg because that’s the same thing Jake is saying in my head. “It wasn't your fault. It wasn’t his either. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. Things just happen. You said it once, there are bigger things which we can’t control, such as life,” I insist, rocking her a bit. “He just wanted you to know that he loved you so much and now you don’t have to ask yourself if he did, you know it.”