To love you | Malum

Ch. 20 - Baby Showers + Hospital Visits

Michael + Ch. 20 - Baby Showers + Hospital Visits

I woke up at two in the morning, something that I had grown accustomed to over the years. My bed sheets were cold and the world around me felt dull. Almost as dull as my eyes appeared in the tiny mirror inside of my bathroom. Outside, I could smell the stench of a cigarette circulating around the front porch. It was Daryl, and I knew he only smoked whenever something bad would happen. It happened once or twice a month, but this was his third time. I had hoped it was Calum coming to apologize, coming to confess that he only wanted Luke because he has a nice body rather than a nice personality, but that wouldn't happen. I'm nothing exciting.

I couldn't get out of bed without the help of my father, and I knew he was too busy hurting to bother with me. How could I blame him? He had a wife who left him, and now he has a son with expensive hospital bills and issues that cannot be controlled as often as he and I would like. I'm only seventeen, perhaps waiting until the point where I'll be legal and can do things on my own. I wouldn't dare leave my father on his own, but my mother is still fighting for her rights. She wants to take me away from the one person who would give me the world. Maybe that could be a good thing. Calum would never see me again, and he'd finally get his happy ever after with Hemmings. That is what he wants, right? Maybe I'm wrong.

Hours had passed of me staring up at the ceiling and wondering where I went wrong. I wanted somebody to hold me, waver their fingertips over my chest and chuckle whenever I hiccup because I had too much water to drink. Somebody to look into my eyes and say I'm beautiful, as if they find everyone else in the world repulsive. That wouldn't happen. I'm not lucky or gifted with this source of love. It only happens to people in movies, or popular human beings like Luke or Kellin. I mean, even Victor found love, and nobody paid attention to him until he became friends with Calum and his crew. It was almost like love was fed off of popularity. Dating Calum would only make me a joke. A bigger joke than what I already am.

Once the clock struck six, I knew that it was time to wake up. I wasn't asleep, and I knew the reason for it. Dreaming lead to nightmares, and nightmares lead to thinking. I didn't like thinking because it reminded me that I was completely worthless to the world. Most of the time, I'd dream about Calum. We'd be laying under the stars, and I'd have two legs I could walk on and a perfectly normal spine. My hands would be covered with red and black striped mittens, and Calum would be holding them. He'd tell me stories of when he was a little boy, and how his sister would take them on adventures through the city and they'd pretend they were Peter and Wendy running off to Neverland. And I would laugh at his stories until my eyes would water and my cheeks would hurt from smiling so much, and he'd compliment my smile. I love seeing you happy, almost as much as I love looking up at the stars is what he'd say, and I'd pay no mind to it. I'd be so focused on the smell residing from his cigarette that I wouldn't be able to think of anything else aside from the fact that he was high on a stick and I was high on him and the way he made me feel. I started crying that morning, and my sobs were loud enough to tackle these thin walls and send my father in with a panicked expression on his face. He'd ask me if I'm okay, and I'd shake my head. There's no use in pretending anymore.

"You smell like Calum."

Daryl would sigh, give me a sympathetic smile, then clean himself up with a bottle of cologne that doesn't do much for him at all. He'd help me into my clothes, these baggy, unappealing clothes, and I'd thank him. I'd stare into the mirror and watch my green eyes pale out just like my skin – and I'd be sad for the rest of the day. Thinking would only make it worse. "Somebody dropped off a letter for you this morning."