To love you | Malum

Ch. 23 - Drunk On You + Your Love Is Once In A Lifetime

Michael + Ch. 23 - Drunk On You + Your Love Is Once In A Lifetime

Television static was enough to get me by during the hours Daryl was working, but it was never enough to forget about how I felt about everything. Calum kept running through my mind, and I kept feeling like my mind was floating mid-air, and my body was sinking into a pool filled with gasoline, and I wanted to come up for air, but my mind kept telling me not to. My chest felt like it was on fire, and the electricity bills hadn't been paid when they were due, so I didn't have much to look at, aside from static and empty walls that were different within every twenty five centimeters. I felt uncomfortable and sad, and alone – and people should never feel alone unless they want to, and I didn't want to feel like that.

I had been hoping that Calum would show up to my house, and he'd make me feel things that I didn't think I could feel, and I swear that I don't mean that in the wrong way - I just want to feel like I have a purpose, and spending time with Calum gets me closer and closer to it, yet I'm still not sure about what 'it' is. I feel like maybe he does. And so when a knock surfaced on my front door and a smile curved onto my lips, I felt like I was about to discover that purpose after waiting for so long, but my heart dropped when I opened the door, and I wanted to slam it on the person who was just standing there with his shoulders slugged and a bottle of beer in his hand. His eyes were red, dark red, and he looked almost as unhappy as Calum does whenever something goes wrong, and if he hadn't hurt me in the past, then maybe I would have considered trying to understand. But I could never understand this boy – specifically because he doesn't want to be understood in the same way that Calum doesn't, and so I asked him if he was okay, and when he said no, it hit me. Because the bitter truth was that I wasn't okay either. Nobody's okay in this chaotic world.

"Just. . come inside, and I'll get you something to drink that isn't that beer you're holding."

"I'm okay, don't worry about it," he spoke, and his fingers were shaking, and this was the very first time I noticed that he was vulnerable, and I couldn't help but wonder why he was here, and why he looked emotionally bruised, or why he all of a sudden came to me when things weren't going well for him. And I watched as strands of his blonde hair fell onto his white blouse, and I watched as he put the bottle up to his lips and downed the remainder of it as if it was nothing, and I watched, and watched, and I hated that I felt sympathetic for the one person who ruined my life. I hated that I couldn't be like everyone else. I hated that I was going to let him walk all over me again, but this is exactly who I am. This is what I do.

"So why are you here?"

His lips were red like strawberries, but I didn't want to kiss them - because they didn't belong to the one person who's worth kissing, and his eyes held palm trees that would sway in the wind, and I couldn't help the fact that I thought he was most beautiful when he was vulnerable, and maybe because he's the kind of guy who will never show his emotions unless you really push it out of him. He's the kind of guy who will burn your walls down and watch you drown. He will do that if you do something to him - and what confuses me the most is that I don't recall ever sending harm his way. Was he like this. . because I fell in love with the person who means the most to him? I just want to understand for once, just understand something in this life that isn't even worth being apart of.

"I wanted to," he took a deep breath, and the vein on his forehead was popping out as if this was the hardest thing he ever had to do, and he looked sad, sad in the way that I felt, and I knew that times were hard right now, and maybe that's why I figured I could help out. He didn't deserve it, but he looked alone, and nobody deserves to feel or be alone. "I wanted to apologize."