To love you | Malum

Ch. 26 - Meet Me In The Dark + Just Hold Me For Tonight

Michael + Ch. 26 - Meet Me In The Dark + Just Hold Me For Tonight

I couldn't sleep after hearing the news from Daryl, and for the most part, it's because I didn't want to. It reminded me about how we're all made of glass, and how easy it is to just break somebody – how easy it is to play it off as if you weren't responsible for the situation, and it made me think of Calum, and how he'd be the reason for all of this. Though part of me also knew that I was lying because I'm also guilty for feeling this way, and I had every opportunity to let go of the bullshit and just learn to live again. But it's downright impossible when you're dancing the night away in a wheelchair with your face practically hiding underneath your jacket because you're scared somebody will notice you – somebody that's worth uniting with. I knew that I had to tell him that I have a month left until I'm with Karen, but it isn't like I'm staying with her forever. I'm with her until I'm eighteen, and it isn't that far away – but not close enough. He just. . won't be okay with it, and I know that once I leave, he's just going to get back with Luke. That's the part that sucks the most. I'm not worth waiting for, and maybe Calum isn't either.

I stopped staring at the ceiling, stopped thinking – thinking is what got me here in the first place, and I looked over at Ashley who was sleeping peacefully as if she hasn't slept this well in months, and I smiled to myself for a split second before remembering that maybe I'd be happier during the day if I could get a full night of sleep. (The full eight hours is unlikely with me; most of the time, four is good enough. But everyone always has to disagree with the fucked up guy.) I kept staring at her because she was smiling as though galaxies were clumping together on her cheeks, and I wanted to keep looking at her. But it wasn't like that – because I didn't want to kiss her, and I didn't want to fuck her, and I didn't want to watch her walk down the aisle to be with me. But I did want to look at her because she was the only person left who still has some life in her. The only person who doesn't mind living over and over again – even if what's inside of her has been dead for years. She's been dead, but she fights through it because she knows that something good will come out of it, like her baby. But for me – it's different, unlikely, because the only outstanding thing about me is that I can still throw and catch a football, despite the fact that I can hardly move my back without somebody helping me.

"I know that you're watching me," Ashley whispered, and I swore that all of those galaxies disappeared into thin dust as soon as she stopped smiling, and I wondered why that was – why her happiness drained as soon as her dreams became a reality that people refer to as a nightmare. "I know that you think I'm put together because I'm not letting all of the bad things get to me, but you can't think that about me, Michael. I'm anything but strong."

I laughed into my pillow because my head was turned to the side, and a few strands of my hair were falling in front of my eyes, and she was looking at me as though she remembered something about her past, like her image and how she changed it because she wasn't happy with who she was before. "I don't think that's true."

"You think I'm strong?" Ashley asked, and she sat up because she was no longer comfortable or warm, and I wanted to offer her my bed because the air mattress must suck, but I knew that she was stubborn enough not to take it. But then again, maybe I shouldn't say that – maybe I shouldn't see the worst in people before I try looking for the best. "You really don't know me, then."

"You're right. . I don't," I mumbled, and I pulled the comforter back over my shoulders due to it falling, and I was so cold since Calum wasn't here to hold me, and I kept wondering how she wasn't – how she could just lay there as if she didn't need anybody except for herself. "But I know parts of you, Ashley. I know that you stood through your parents treating you like shit because you wouldn't get rid of your baby. I know that you watched them kick you out, and that Ashton lost the chance at helping you raise your baby. You don't give up, and I think that's what makes you strong."