Beautiful insanity (Dylan O'Brien) | ✓

19 | Agonizing desire

I left the bar around an hour after midnight. Mike had told me he'd clean up so that I could go home and get some rest. It was crazy how this day had worn me out. Wrapped in my coat and scarf I stepped outside. The weather was actually kind of nice, for the first time it wasn't snowing like crazy. It was still freezing outside but there was no sharp wind that cut your skin and no wet snow that stuck to your face. No, instead the streets were covered with a layer of white and all around me were Christmas lights, shining bright and reminding me that I still had to buy presents for my family. I walked down the street, passing the usual buildings and stores. A church, a little bookshop, a bar that was never open. A coffeeshop with a funny name, a shoe store, another shoe store and then right before I had to turn into my own street, a pet store. The little dog that had been sitting in front of the window was gone now and I was happy that someone had finally taken him into their home. I searched for my keys in my purse and when I looked up to my front door, I was stopped by a guy sitting on the stairs.

"Dylan?" I said, smiling at the lad. He stood up and walked towards me. "What are you doing here?" He didn't give me a proper answer. Instead he placed his hand on the small of my back and pulled me to his chest, planting his lips on mine. He kissed me and I was more than glad he did. I had missed that sweat taste of him even though it had barely been a day. I couldn't help but smile as our lips moved together. Dylan then pulled away.

"Is me kissing you funny?" He asked, lifting an eyebrow. I shook my head.

"I'm just happy." I answered. I grabbed his hand and pulled him up the stairs with me. "Well..." I said as we entered the apartment. "I'd say: take off your coat but seeing as you are not wearing one..." He chuckled with that. "Seriously though Dylan. How can you bare to be in that freezing cold without wearing a coat?" He shrugged, not really caring about it. I took off my own ensemble of warm layers and threw them over the chair. Dylan sat down on my couch and he watched every move I made. I kicked off my shoes and put on my warm socks. I then grabbed a hair tie and pulled my hair up in a high ponytail. I was not paying attention to him because in some way, I was nervous. I didn't really know what to say or what to do so I just did some useless stuff until he would finally cut me off.

"Jess, come here." Dylan looked at me, sticking out his hand. I grabbed it and he carefully pulled me closer to him to sit on the couch. "I have to ask you something." He sounded really sincere and also a bit nervous. He looked down at our hands and I saw how he pulled his bottom lip between his teeth, taking a deep breath before he finally spoke again. "I would like for you to come to my moms house this Christmas." He said but it came out as a whisper.

"What?" I asked, a bit taken by surprise.

"I haven't seen my family in a very long time, mostly because I can not bare to be in the same room as my father but with you, it might be a bit less painful." I didn't know what to say. I had not expected something like this.

"When?" I asked.

"Christmas day." I bit my lip. It so happens to be that I'm free on Christmas day. We always celebrated the holiday on Christmas Eve as Mike wanted to keep the bar open the 25th of December. But spending the day with Dylan and his family, wouldn't that be too soon? On the other hand it was a great way to finally get to know him. "I'd really love for you to come." He murmured.

"I'll be there." I said. A smile crept onto his face and before I knew it he had his lips on mine again. One of his hands rested on my cheek, the other on the small of my back. He carefully pulled me onto his lap and I wrapped my arms around his neck. It didn't take very long for the kiss to get more heated and I saw this as my sign. I let my fingers trace over his chest, all the way down to his t-shirt and stopped when my fingers touched the brim. I carefully grabbed the fabric and started pulling the shirt upwards. Dylan let me take it off and then pushed me down on the couch so that I was laying down. He hovered over me and I let my hands slide down the warm skin of his chest. It made my heart skip a beat. His nails dug into the skin of my shoulder and a wave of pain ran through my body. I ignored it. I knew that doing this with Dylan would not be gentle. He squeezed my arms until they hurt as well and even that feeling I ignored. Instead of paying attention to it, I kissed him even harder. As I reached for the button of his pants something inside of him snapped. Because all of the sudden he was no longer kissing me, instead he stood in the middle of the living room.

"I can't." He said. He rushed a hand through his hair and I felt how all my happiness vanished.

"Oh." I said and I felt more than unwanted. Because I was sitting on that couch, fully dressed while he stared down at me with his shirt off and I didn't know what to think. The day before he told me how badly he wanted to take off my clothes, how badly he wanted this with me and now, he told me he couldn't? Did I repel him? "You don't want me." I murmured, staring down at my hands. Seconds later I felt his finger under my chin, lifting my head.

"I want you Jess. Don't think for a second that I don't because I have to use everything inside me to resist the urge of taking you. But I can't. I don't want to hurt you."

"I don't understand." I breathed out.

"I have this... habit of getting really violent when it comes to sex. Normally I wouldn't give a fuck about that, not when it's with some random hoe, but with you... I started caring for you Jess and I can't bare the thought of hurting you." I stood up from the couch so that we were on eye level and I placed a hand on his cheek.

"You won't hurt me."

"I already did." He growled. He grabbed the fabric of my sweater in his hands and pulled it down so that my shoulder was revealed. There were purple and red spots where his nails had been. "That's nothing compared to what I could have done. And the worst part is that I want to. I really do but there is this part of me screaming for me to stop."

"Dylan I-"

"I better get going." He took his t-shirt from the ground and put it back on. "I'll call you." And with that he left. I sat on the couch and stared at the spot where he had just been standing. My breath hitched in my throat and at that moment, I finally broke and the tears started running down my face.

[I know, I know. I fucking suck at updating. Pardon my french. I'll try to do better-]