Beautiful insanity (Dylan O'Brien) | ✓

23 | Love's curse

Is there something sadder than walking around in empty streets on Christmas day, searching for food? After Dylan and I had left his childhood home we drove into the city, parked the car and started walking. It was a little after nine and the both of us were starving. Sadly enough, on Christmas day not many shops or restaurants are open. So we roamed the streets, hoping to find something. We talked, a lot, but not about the things we should be talking about. We didn't talk about what happened with his father, he still didn't open up about Holland. I knew I was supposed to give him some time but I felt like all these secrets between us were slowly tearing us apart. It was strange. Every day I felt like we were growing closer but at the same time it felt like he became more and more distant from me. As I got to know him better I wanted to know everything about him. I wanted to know what he had been like two years ago. I wanted to know what he thought and what he felt but he couldn't just display his emotions like that. I needed to give him some time and when he was ready he would tell me. 

"There!" Dylan suddenly shouted. He grabbed my hand and dragged me with him over the streets. I looked up in the direction he was going and noticed a small booth at the corner of the street overloaded with lights. As we came closer I could read the words on the sign 'Samy's Kebab'. Dylan came to a halt, obviously pleased with himself for finding the first place that served food. 

"Kebab?" I questioned. 

"Everyone likes kebab!" Dylan shouted, dragging me further down the street. True. I loved kebab but it was my go to drunk food, not exactly what you'd expect to eat on Christmas. But I was happy we'd found something to eat in the first place. We both ordered our kebabs and as we headed back to the car it started snowing. "Fuck." Dylan cursed. He started looking around and I wondered what in the world he was doing. I tried the best I could to protect my kebab from the snow. "We'll be soaked by the time we get to the car." He said. "And I love this kebab too much to let it get wet." Well there's a sentence I never thought I'd hear. Dylan kept looking around until his eye finally landed on something. Dylan had this habit of dragging me behind him instead of just telling me where we were going. So I stumbled over the streets as I held my kebab in one hand and Dylan's hand in the other. He dragged me towards an empty indoor parking lot. "It's not a fancy restaurant but at least we are dry." He said. He then took a seat on the cold concrete floor and I couldn't help but feel bad for his nice suit. I hesitated. The dress I was wearing was pretty fucking expensive and I didn't feel like ripping it on this dirty floor. Dylan looked up at me. "Jess. Sit." He demanded. I bit down my lip.

"My dress..." I started. He didn't let me finish. Instead he started taking off the jacket of his suit and placed it on the ground right in front of him. 

"Sit." He said again. I smiled. Even though he wouldn't admit it that was a really nice, gentleman-like thing to do. I sat down on his jacket, crossing my legs and in the mean time making sure I wasn't showing some particularly private part. 

"Thanks Dyl." I said. Dylan's head jerked up. 

"What did you call me?" 

"Dyl? I'm sorry, I just--"

"It's fine Jess." He smiled at me and in a way it was weird to see him smile like that. "It's just been awhile since I've heard that nickname." I looked down and wondered if Holland had called him that once. I took a bite from my kebab and Dylan's hand suddenly shot to my face. I don't know why but I felt the urge to back away from him. I saw how his expression changed, his eyes held pain in them. "I'm not going to hurt you Jess." He said, his voice was shaking. 

"I know you're not. I'm sorry." I looked down but I felt his hand under my chin again, lifting my head. He rubbed his finger over the skin right next to my mouth. 

"You had some sauce." He softly smiled.

"Thank you." I felt like such an idiot for thinking he would hit me. It stayed quiet for a while and I just felt terrible. "Dylan..." I said after a while. I placed my half eaten kebab on the ground. I'd lost my appetite. "I'm not scared of you." I said. He looked up at me. 

"You should be." He replied. "You should be running away from me because I'm not good for you Jess. I can't figure out any reason why you would want to stay." And then the words just came rolling of my tongue. 

"Because I love you." I blurted out. 

"Why?" He asked. He didn't say it back. 

"Why?" I scoffed. "I don't know why Dylan. It's not like I can choose who I love." I felt annoyed. It was like every time I tried to open my heart to him he did everything he could to shut it again. Dylan got up from the ground in silence and held out his hand. I carefully accepted it and he lifted me off the concrete floor. He placed both his hands on my face and looked deeply into my eyes.

"But you can choose who you hate." He breathed out. "You've heard the stories, the rumours, the truths and the lies. You've seen what terrible things I can do. Yet you chose to give me a chance, to let me in. You're for me what no one has been for so long. I don't know how you did it Jessica Whitmore but you made me feel again. You made me feel things other than hate and disgust. It's been a long time since I've cared about someone this much. Being with you is like a drug to me and once I'll get addicted I won't be able to let you go." 

"Then don't." My eyes flickered to the ground and then back to Dylan. His lips had never looked more inviting, his touch had never felt safer. He stroked my cheek with his thumb and pressed his head against mine. I felt my heart racing in my chest, my knees go weak. With my words and the kiss that followed I knew I had given myself to him and I didn't even care that maybe I had sold my heart to the devil. 

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