Beautiful insanity (Dylan O'Brien) | ✓

29 | The first day of Spring

Two months had passed. Two fucking months, can you believe that? All contact between me and Dylan had been broken off and I felt terrible. I felt terrible for what I had done to him, for leaving him. But that decision had not been mine to make. Dylan pleaded guilty with many charges including assault and battery and rape. The last one I could not believe was true. He could be evil and he used to be a monster but he did not have it in him to hurt a woman that way. Thanks to Alex he was not in jail but I wasn't sure if the place they kept him at was much better. Alex defended him, pleading for a sentence that was more fit for Dylan's current state of mind and so he was sent to a mental institution. He was given another psychiatrist as Alex relationship towards me forbid him from treating Dylan. And it was only until that psychiatrist found him sane enough to come back into society that he would be let out. For a month Dylan was not allowed to receive any form of human contact other than his nurses and his psychiatrist. They kept him in isolation like he was some animal gone wild. Every night I laid in bed praying that he would be okay, that he would survive. I hoped that being locked up wouldn't take away the last bit of sanity he still had. Alex was the one who brought me the news when the first month passed that Dylan had been let out of isolation. Every day I found myself standing on the steps of the asylum, staring at its big wooden door. I never found the strength to go in. I didn't know what I would say to him. Until the first day of spring arrived. The trees had started to blossom and it was extraordinary warm for the time of the year. I was sitting on the balcony of Tyler's apartment, sipping on a Mojito. 

"I had the strangest dream last night." I said to Tyler. The boy looked up at me. "I dreamt that we were married, you and I, and we were happy. We were grey and old and sitting in our rocking chair, watching our grandchildren play, when suddenly the mailman came. He handed me the newspaper." As I said those words I noticed that I was not really talking to Tyler. I was speaking to myself, reliving that terrible dream. "The page was opened on the obituaries but there was only one in it. No pictures, no relatives, no poems. Just a name: Dylan O'Brien. He had died and I had forgotten all about him. I went on with my life like he didn't even exist anymore and then he passed away and there was no one there with him that had loved him. No one would arrange his funeral, no one would be there when he was buried." Tyler placed a hand on my shoulder. I then noticed that I had started crying. 

"It was just a dream Jess." He tried to comfort me. 

"It wasn't." I breathed out. "It was my subconscious telling me to go. To visit him and talk to him before it's too late. Before he thinks that he lost me forever." 

"What if he doesn't want to talk to you?" Tyler asked. 

"What if he does? If I don't go, I'll never know." I got up from my chair and grabbed my bag from the ground. 

"What if he's even more insane than he already was?" Tyler ran after me, grabbing my arm. "What if he gets angry with you?" 

"He won't hurt me." 

"But--" 

"Tyler, I have to do this. No matter what happened he's the one I loved. I need to see him." 

The drive to the asylum wasn't that long and I knew the way out of my head from going there so many times. Once again I found myself standing on those steps, staring at the big door. Any other day I would've turned around, I would've gone home with tears in my eyes and guilt in my heart, but not that day. That first Spring day I found the strength to push myself through those doors and once I was in, there was no going back. I was going to see him and I was not ready for it but hell I didn't want anything else. Too long I had waited, blamed myself and blamed others for what had happened. Too long I had hated him and loved him and then hated him again. It was like running around in circles. I always came back to the same conclusion. One part of me was disgusted by the thought of him and everything he had done but the winning part was the one that was still infatuated with him. I knew I couldn't show that to him. Not yet. Not before I saw what kind of man he had become. 

"Hi, my name is Jessica Whitmore." I said to the woman in white behind the reception. "I would like to visit a patient of yours." The woman looked up at me. 

"Name?" Her voice was low and bored.

"Dylan O'Brien." She looked from over her glasses at me and then took the clipboard from her desk. 

"Sign here please. Visiting hours start in fifteen minutes. You can wait over there." I signed the piece of paper, thanked the woman and sat down on one of the plastic chairs like many others had done. Those fifteen minutes seemed to last forever. A time in which I debated wether I should leave or not. Eventually a bell rang through the room and the woman came from behind the glass window. She was smaller than she had looked sitting down. "Visiting time is one hour. Please only attend to the one you are visiting. Keep your voice down and your actions to a minimum. Some of the patients here are easily scared. If anything happens you can attend to one of the guards inside." The doors opened and all visitors were allowed in. We were assigned a seat at a wooden table and there we waited for the patients to arrive. It didn't take long until the room was filled with men and women dressed in light blue. I waited for Dylan. It took a while. I had almost given up that he would come. Maybe he didn't want to see me. Maybe Tyler was right. But then the doors opened and two guards brought in a slender guy with brown hair. His head was bent down, eyes fixated on the ground. I shot up from my seat, my heart was beating in my chest like crazy. The guy lifted his head. His hair was longer and he had a bit of a beard but his eyes were still the same and he was just as beautiful as I remembered. When he saw me he stopped walking. He stared at me, like he couldn't believe I was actually there. And for a moment I wasn't even sure if it was real, if I wasn't dreaming. But I was looking at him, alive and well. Dylan. 

My Dylan. 

[Time to get some answers! Comment me your thoughts]