Finding home

Chapter 38 - Recall

"Come on Kate, stay with me, why did you do this, come on, stay with me Kate," his words circled around as I felt the dark closing in on me.

There was a stinging pain in my chest, but slowly, almost too slow, the pain faded away. My body felt numb in his arms. All of a sudden I couldn't even feel his arms around me anymore, despite knowing they would still be there. Somewhere in the background I heard Esposito swearing and Ryan calling for an ambulance. I thought I could even hear a punch being thrown before Gates's voice broke through telling someone to go cool it off, that it wasn't helping. But soon enough the voices faded away, just like the pain. Soon I couldn't hear anyone at all, not even Castle whose voice I'd heard the longest and clearest. The darkness surrounded me like it had only done one time before, a few nights after my mom's death and my dad's beginning into the drinking problem. That one time when I had fainted, only this felt a lot worse. I couldn't remember why the darkness came again, but I was certain it could kill me this time.

---------------------------------------------------

There was a big sigh. It was him. It was he who sighed. Why did he sigh? Why couldn't I feel his arms around me in bed? Why wasn't my bed as soft as it usually was? Why could I feel his sigh against my neck or at least my face?

"Doctor said you might be able to hear this, but also that I shouldn't hope too much for any response."

He sighed again, not as loud but certainly as deep. What was he talking about? What doctor?

"I've been able to keep Alexis and Molly from here, but they're both so... so very stubborn, and they're starting to gang up against me."

Why would he keep them away? Away from me? Where was I?

"I'm not even sure if you can hear this Kate, but if you can... I love you, we love you, we need you to pull out of this. And... and we will be here for you anytime you need us to, all of us. Me, your dad, my mom, Espo, Ryan, Lanie and even Gates."

I felt so confused, what had happened? I tried so hard to remember. At the same time I finally figured out where I was, or where I thought I was.

"Espo was really mad at me at first, letting you dive in front of me, but he's calmed down a bit. Ryan defended me, along with Lanie. They both say he's going to calm more once you're awake, that it'll take a few more days."

Dive in front of him? A picture of a hidden gun being raised came into my mind and I felt my body flinch.

"Kate?" his voice was suddenly closer to my head than it had been before.

I could hear the hope spread in his voice, and it warmed my heart finally being able to hear something positive reflect in him. His hand found my cheek, gently rubbing his thumb against my skin. That's when I felt his other hand entangled with mine, it had probably been there all along.

"Kate, if you can hear me, please try squeeze my hand, it doesn't have to be much, just a small squeeze. Please be able to hear me. Please wake up."

The last he said was barely audible. Small prayers that wasn't really meant for me to hear but which he needed to breath out in the open. I wanted so bad to open my eyes, to open my mouth and tell him loud and clear that I heard him. That I loved him too. But I couldn't find my sight, or my voice, so I did what he told me to. I searched for my fingers, the ones intertwined with his, and in a few seconds I managed a twitch in them. His relieved sigh cracked, almost as if he had tears in his eyes.

"Thank god, I-I don't know how I would've-would've lived with myself if you..." his voice died.

The way his throat seemed to close in on him made my heart beat faster and I focused on trying to find the strength to open my eyes, to show him that I was fine and that I was here.