You Can Sit With Me

Four: Dark Chocolate

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when i was a child, i used to hate dark chocolate but somehow, i liked it with hazelnuts.

i guess i was even more nuts than i am now.

sorry.

i had to.

and i guess that's what it means, to have a crush- you think you could never like the type, or that specific guy but something happens that is your hazelnut and it changes the whole thing.

but the thing i hated about the chocolates is that, there are plain parts, without even a trace of the nut. and my crush has those bitter parts too.

before the story begins - lemme give dat boi a name: james.

one of my friends at a halloween party called it his 'weekly period' and i call it simply mood swings or maybe there's something wrong in his family life. anyways, i did not gave attention to his mood changes at first but one day he kinda even scared me.

it was, of course, thursday and we were doing the assigned task on codeblocks, his best friend and i were trying to find the dolution and running to each others computers to see what we changed/did.

his best friend then went to james to ask if he, maybe, has found the solution and james didn't answer.

i was about to aproach them at that time.

he looked him dead in the eye and told him to 'piss off'.

i slowly backed away into my seat.

and this small doubt longered in my stomach.

would i really want to be with him, if the odds some time in the future were to be in my favor?

then i got swooped by him again and again but the seed is still here.

although it has quite changed. now, i think about how i could help him if he was mine, how i would hug him- but then i think how hurt would i be if he rejected me the way he did to his best friend, or how he wouldn't probably even be sorry about snapping or wouldn't try to control himself.

also, i think about all the times i haven't noticed him showing affection to her, him trying to get her.

at it stopped hurting, i still remember how there were evenings where i wished for him to break my heart so it would be easier and i wouldn't have to be so lost and scared. my wish could be fulfilled and i still don't mind it.

sometimes i even feel the desire for it to happen.

i'm probably crazy.

going for the easier way out, but that's the way i am.

and that's when i feel at peace.

"hey now think about what to do, think about what to say, think about how to think."- the 1975, chocolate.

'Girl