"Simon, I can't do this!" I screamed while gripping his hand.
He placed a cool cloth on my forehead and gently kissed my cheek. "You can do this, darling. Just think about the beautiful baby we're going to have."
I gave him a small smile in return and gripped his hand even tighter when another contraction came.
After fifteen hours and all the medicine that the doctor would give me, my baby was finally born.
"It's a boy. We had a boy!" Simon shrieked kissing my lips. "I have a boy!" He yelled as he ran down the hallway into the waiting room where all our friends and family were waiting.
The nurse placed the baby on my chest and instantly my heart melted into a million pieces. How could I love this tiny person so much? I was completely captivated by him already. He struggled to open his eyes but when he did they starred up at me and I immediately knew that my purpose in life was to be his mother.
"Do you have a name yet?" My mum asked when she walked over to my bed. I looked up at Simon and smiled. "Angelo."
I wasn't prepared at all for how having a baby would make me feel emotionally. I started to feel like I was too obsessed with my son and that scared me. Other times I just wanted to lay in bed and cry because I was so exhausted and felt inadequate.
"Babe? Laura's here." Simon said when he knocked on the bedroom door. I had been in bed all day and couldn't pull myself to get up. When I didn't respond he let Laura come in and I could feel her pull back the duvet and climb in bed.
"Delly? How are you? I can't believe Angelo is already getting so big and it's only been a few weeks." She started rubbing my back and unexpectedly tears started rolling down my face.
"I hate this." I said rolling over to face her and wiping my eyes with the sheets.
She look at me confused, "being a mum?" She asked.
I nodded my head and pulled the duvet over my head. "I've never been a mum so I don't quite know how you feel but I do know how much he already loves you."
Laura tried her best to console me but she was right, she couldn't understand where I was coming from. And neither could Simon.
"I feel hopeless." I whispered.
Laura wrapped her arms around me and pulled me close to her. I could feel her heartbeat and it oddly relaxed me and without realising it, I drifted off to sleep.
A few hours later I woke up to Simon shaking me awake. "Babe? I think the baby is hungry." I could see the panic in his eyes as he held a screaming Angelo in his arms. I reached out for him and struggled with what's suppose to be the natural act of feeding your own child.
"Simon! Simon! Simon!" I yelled from the bedroom.
"What is it?" He asked out of breath from running up the stairs.
"I think you should go get some formula. I can't do this." I said with tears rolling down my face along with Angelo who laid screaming.
"Five minutes." He responded running back down stairs.
As I waited for Simon to return I tried my best to calm my baby but nothing was working and all of a sudden I felt like I was going to go crazy.
"Mum." I said through hysterical tears. "I need you." I begged when she answered the phone.
"Darling, what's wrong? Are you okay?" She asked concerned.
"I need you." I repeated.
Once I hung up with my mum I placed Angelo in his bed and sat on the floor beside it.
"Oh, my baby. I'm here." My mum said entering Angelo's room and seeing me on the floor with my head buried in my hands.
Both Angelo and I filled the room with the sound of our cries. She picked Angelo up and tried to calm him.
"It's going to be okay. Nan has you now. Let's go see if your daddy is home." She made her way downstairs and left me alone and for the first time I was terrified.
"Penny? Where's Adele?" Simon asked walking into the kitchen after returning from the store.
"She's in the nursery. She called me hysterical so I rushed over." Simon gave her a worried look.
"Can you handle him?" He asked.
My mum nodded her head. "She needs you. I'll take care of the baby." She reassured him.
Simon ran upstairs and found me curled up in a ball on the floor of Angelo's room.
"Adele? Baby. Talk to me, please." He pleaded crawling next to me.
I couldn't form any words, I just laid there crying and Simon grew more and more worried.
"Please, Adele. I can't help you if I don't know what's wrong." He pulled me into a sitting position and I rested my head on his chest.
"I can't do this. I can't be a mum. It's all too much. I'm overwhelmed, I feel hopeless, but at the same time I constantly want to be with him and have him close. I just... It's only been six weeks but it feels like it's been years. I'm terrified Simon, I'm terrified of my own feelings." I cried into him.
He rubbed my back and hugged me tighter. "Maybe you should see a therapist. I know you don't want to but I think you should try it. For Angelo."
Silence filled the room and within an hour I started to feel better. "Can we go see the baby?" I asked.
Simon and I walked downstairs to find Angelo and my mum asleep on the couch. "Why don't we go upstairs and take a nap?" Simon suggested.
I nodded and he reached out for my hand. "I think you're a great mum." He said as we walked to our room. I kissed his hand and smiled. "I love you." I whispered into his arm as I draped it over my shoulder.
