That's your family

The Break

I couldn't help but look up and make eye contact with Juice as I sat down with Tara while she called the judge. We left to spruce her up when she hugged me close, "Thank you" I hugged her back and Gemma popped in, giving me a look to leave. I walked out and hit my brother on his arm as he brought it around me and once again I made eye contact with Juice. At the "wedding" I stood by Juice hugging him close when a surprise happened, Gemma gave Jax and Tara her and John's rings. I looked over at her, real proud, but felt sad, this is the most of a wedding that this family will ever get. My eyes started to get watery as Chibs spoke and my brother kissed his new wife. Then, as always a single phone call ruined the feeling in the room. Tara told me that Jax, Chibs and Tig were turning themselves in so I got on the back of Juice's bike heading back to the club house where I drank with Tig until the cops showed up. I gave both Tig and Chibs a kiss on the cheek and I finally held my brother to me close, both with nothing to say. Opie's surprised me when he rolled in on his bike and hit the sheriff. I stood between Happy and Juice, holding his hand as Tara walked off with Bobby. With a sympathetic smile to Happy I turned my attention to Juice so that we can get our son. 

Once home Juice told me to run a bath while he took care of JJ and make some dinner for us. I sat in the tub worried about Tara, thankful for Juice. So thankful that I made sure to put on lacy black underwear before putting on my pj shorts and black tank. After our dinner I put down JJ while Juice did the dishes, from there I snuck up behind him and gave a joking bite into his shoulder. He turned and grabbed hold onto me close and gave me a long, sweet, passionate kiss that we took to the bedroom. In the morning Juice got up with me and make me coffee as I got JJ ready for day care. With a quick peck on the lips, I headed to the hospital and he headed to TM. Around lunch time Gemma called me to say that the boys were all set up. I was in a pretty good mood when I picked up JJ I was in such a good mood that I took JJ out into the town to get an ice cream. With my single vanilla ice cream I took a bit into a spoon and let JJ lick it as I licked the cone. I took a picture and sent it to Juice, who gave me a sweet reply moments later. 

Gemma came by to see me and get me, Clay was starting shit again so we went to Diosas to find him, figured mom would need back up. When I got there I saw Juice walking out with the old chunk broad pulling his shirt down and I lost it. I turned around and started walking to the car, only to have Juice call out for me. I ignored him and when I opened the car door he slammed it shut going on about how I HAD to listen to him. We were doing so well and he threw our relationship out the window. I didn't think, I just hit him. I punched him square in the jaw and yelled at him to back the fuck up. I yelled that I was tired of this shit, it was like everything that has happened in the past year came out. The fucking brown slut was smirking at the whole situation and I went after her. Before I got the her my mother hugged me and as much as I wanted to I didn't cry. She gave me the keys and told me I could stay at her place. So I did. I went home and packed up JJ and mine stuff. I felt like such shit that the only place I could go to was Tara's. I watched as Happy played with Abel and Bobby gave me a sympathetic smile while I fed JJ. Tara got a phone call where she smiled, and then turned white. We made eye contact and my hart began to race. When she hung up I stood up, fearful for my brother she started, "The boys should be out tomorrow, Opie didn't make it". I passed JJ off to Bobby and walked over to the bathroom where I vomited. I kept on vomitting until my hair was being pulled back. At first I assummed it was Tara, instead I saw Happy, passing me mouth wash. I rinsed my mouth and spat it out before crying again. I felt as if I was losing everyone, I had never felt this empty, this scared before. I don't know why I did it but kissing Happy made the world slow down and spot spinning. His hands were familiar and his sent was comforting. He broke it and rested his forehead on mine before telling me, "Not now" and walked out.

I spent the night at Tara's. She was so helpful and comforting. We even carpooled to TM greet Jax. While Jax was with his family Tig came up and held me close. Chibs patted my back and I almost started to cry. When I hugged Jax I did until I saw Juice looking over at me. When I saw him I stood up and tried to look like I wasn't a mess. As church started Tara took me and the babies over to the hospital. A few people asked if I was okay at work but I just mindlessly did my tasks. After work  I took JJ to a sitter so that I could get ready for the wake. I pulled out a water bottle from the fridge and looked around the bug, empty house. It seemed that not too long ago it was filled with family dinners. Now tears slip my eyes as I look at the old photos. I then lit a joint and just tried to relax.

Happy was the one who picked me up and took me to TM. I smoked a ciggie as I watched them take Opie to church one last time. Juice looked like he was going to walk up to me but I shook my head no at him and he went inside. Chibs sat next to me and gave me a beer, then held my hand as I watched everyone walking around. I saw the bitch that fucked Juice and held on tighter to Chibs. Gemma called for me and I walked into the shop where everyone left but just us girls. The whore, Gemma, Tara and I. Gemma punched the cunt when she came at her, Tara took a rod and hit the leg, then hitting her with the cast. I was the last one who went after her, I punched, and kicked, and beat her head off the ground till my mother held me back. At the wake I left a cheap plastic ring in the box, the ring I tried to propose to Opie with when I was four. Juice looked at me concerned, probably for the busted eyebrow, but I ignored him and went to find Happy to drink with. Tara held my hand when the boys came out with Opie. When it was all said and done my mother came besides me, and with a hand on my shoulder told me she would watch JJ if I needed the night, which I did. I went to the bar and with a picture of myself, Jax, and Opie I drank. All by myself.

When I woke up the next day Juice was in my bed. I wanted to physically kick him out, but I couldn't with the head ache. So I snuck out, or at least tried to. When I slipped my jeans back on I could hear Juan's voice, "Where are you going?" I grunted, "out" to which he said, "When are you coming home" I looked at him for a second, not truly knowing the answer to that question. I took in a deep breath and said, "I don't think I am going back Juan" He sat up serious, "okay, well when do I get to see my son" I shook my head, "What Juan you want him for the weekend?!? Do you really even think you will actually spend time with him?" I sat on the bed next to him and explained, "Look Juan, I will not keep you from your son. Just text me or something if you want him" and with that I walked out. He stood up, "I want him tonight" I looked back at him, "Fine, I will have him ready at five thirty" I headed out and got everything ready before playing with JJ and I don't know, passively getting him tired. Maybe fed him a bit of prunes. 

When Juice knocked on the door it was awkward to say the least. He was excited to see JJ, buckled him out of his seat and holding him close. I felt myself smile, only to catch myself and stop right as Juan looked over at me. I helped Juice pack up his truck and frowned as I kissed the top of JJs head. Juice looked sad as well as he drove off. When Gemma got back I couldn't help it, I started to cry, and cry, and cry. She was ruthless with her advise, take Juice back, keep my family together. I felt so numb about everything that honestly the only thing I care about is my little boy. The boy who I didn't even know if he was safe or not. While I was wondering about my son my phone went off. Juan called to see if I could drop off JJ's stuffed Hippo, JJ doesn't sleep without it. I told him I would swing by and I looked at my mother gave me a small smile. 

It felt weird knocking at the door of my home, waiting for Juice to answer. When he did he looked panicked. His shirt had vomit on it, I could hear crying in the background. I held out the toy and Juice took it before telling me, "actually do you think you can help me put him to sleep?" I agreed and as I put JJ down Juan changed his shirt. I looked over the crib as JJ fell asleep and smiled, only to hear Juan's voice besides me, "I think this is the moments that he looks like you" I turned my head to Juan but didn't say anything, so he continued, "Look Tam, I'm sorry its just-" I shocked him when I said, "Let's just forget it" He then looked confused, "wait really" I nodded my head, "yeah, if you want I can move back home" He smiled and moved his hand to mine, which I tore away. I headed to the bedroom and laid on my side away from him as I felt his side of the bed sink down. Before I fell asleep I herd, "I promise Tammy, I will make this up to you"