Inside Out

Chapter One

“Beep! Beep! Beep!” Dan Howell’s alarm screeches, it’s unforgiving ring dragging
him out of sleep. Dan groans as he rolls over, trying to find the off button without having
to open his eyes. After five minutes of fumbling he is finally able to sit up and turn the
damn thing off. Groggily, Dan drags himself onto his feet to slip on a pair of jeans and a
faded, long sleeved, black shirt. He then walked into the bathroom to fix his hair and
brush his teeth. Dan stared into the mirror, purposefully avoiding his eyes. He pushed
his messy curls into something adequate. He would’ve straightened his hair if it hadn’t
had been broken yesterday. That morning after he finished, Dan set it down before
pulling the plug out but the thing fell into the toilet nearby efficiently ruining it. It was a
disaster and his father refuses to buy him a new one. As soon as he finished he
grabbed his school bag and began walking. Dan never took the bus for it was always
full of ignorant teenagers talking about nothing but sex and drugs, plus it was always so
loud. The noise would never seem to stop. “It wouldn’t be so bad if we actually had any
friends to talk to.” Said the sadness in his head. “What’s it matter if we have friends?”
Dan muttered to the voice in his head. “They’d only leave us.”
“Oh come on Dan! Don’t be such a downer!” His joy said. Dan rolled his eyes. “My
entire life is a downer.”
Dan was diagnosed with Inside Out Syndrome. It’s a type of schizophrenia in
which, in his head, his joy, sadness, fear, anger, and disgust all have actual voices.
These little characters speak to him all day long, often driving him to talk back and spark
some embarrassment outside of his head. They often distract him from his work or daily
life in general. For the sake of saving confusion let’s imagine them as tiny colored Dans
in his head. Joy is yellow, anger is red, sadness is blue, fear is purple, and disgust is
green.
By the time Dan got to school he realised he was pretty hungry. He was so tired
this morning he actually forgot to eat breakfast. Dan sighed and popped a piece of gum
into his mouth in hopes it’d distract his brain from thinking he’s hungry. Dan walked
through the heavy doors and made his way through the hallways only to get shoved into
a locker by a passerby. He growled but continued his way though his class. This day
was like any other day in school for Dan, no one to talk to but himself, random spurts of
strong emotions and distractions, etc. Until he reached fifth hour. Dan arrived before the
bell and sat in his seat way in the back as people poured in like usual. The bell rang and
the teacher stood in front of the class, except she had a student with her. He had
straight black hair with a fringe going to the left, his eyes were a bright icy blue, his skin so pale it’s almost translucent.“Okay class!” The teacher piped up in a way too cheery tone.
“Today we are having a new student join us! His name is Phil Lester.”
Phil seemed as though he didn’t quite like being put on the spot. He played with his
fingers and kept his head down, his cheeks a soft pink. The teacher turned to him. “Phil
why don’t you take a seat next to Dan over there?” She said, pointing to him. Phil simply
nodded and sat down but Dan wanted to melt into the floor.
“What if he tries to talk to us?” Fear said
“What if he hates us? He’s gonna hate us. He’s going to get so annoyed and yell at us
or worse, try to hurt us.”
“Shut up.” Dan muttered under his breath. “Sorry?” Phil asked, looking his way but Dan
was too lost in his head to notice.
“You’re making me nervous just stop.” He said, unaware that Phil was listening to him.
“Well I’m sorry, I-” Phil started but quickly realised Dan wasn’t paying attention.
“Hello?” He asked waving a hand in front of his face. This seemed to catch Dan’s
attention because he suddenly jumped and looked at the boy.
“Are you alright?” Phil asked, genuine concern on his face.
“I-I’m fine.” Dan stuttered, looking down at his paper in front him, hoping the boy
would let it go at that but Phil just wanted to ask more fucking questions.
“Who were you talking to?”
“I-I”
Dan never liked telling people about his disorder. It made him feel weird and out of
place, like he didn’t belong in society.
“No one. It- I-” Dan couldn’t seem to figure out what to say. Fear began to panic again.
“It’s alright. You don’t have to tell me.” Phil smiled. Dan looked up at him and a tiny
smile cracked through his lips. Who is this beautiful and kind person and why is he
talking to Dan? He couldn’t tell. Phil found himself getting lost in Dan’s brown eyes, all
mixed with different shades of brown, even flecks of an almost golden honey color. He
found it beautiful.
As the bell signalling lunch finally rang Phil asked, “Hey, would you want to eat
with me? I haven’t really talked to anyone but you yet and I wouldn’t want to eat alone.”
Dan thought about it a moment before nodding, deciding he couldn’t reject him anyway.
That would be rude.
“Thanks mate.” He smiled.
Mate? How can Phil already consider Dan his mate if they’d just met? He must consider
everyone his friend then. Dan walked down the halls and to the cafeteria getting a tray
before sitting down as far away from everyone else as he could get. Phil seemed to
follow him like a quiet little shadow. For once, Dan could hear only silence. The noisy
chatter of the cafeteria went ignored as he just sat in the blissful quiet. It was great, until Phil decided to speak up.
         “So Dan, what do you like?” He asked, a bit awkwardly. Dan had to think a moment.
“Well I guess I enjoy music.”
“Yeah? What music do you listen to?”
Dan played with his food using his fork as he thought. He didn’t want to eat. He
only ever grabbed a tray because he felt weird sitting at the table with nothing in front of
him. Dan hated his body and decided long ago it didn’t need anymore food.
“You probably wouldn’t enjoy it, or even know it.”
“Well tell me anyways. You might be surprised.”
“I guess I listen to a lot of emo bands. Pierce The Veil, Falling In Reverse, My Chemical
Romance, etc.”
“Well you are right. I’ve never heard of those but I’m willing to check it out later tonight.”
Dan felt so confused. Why is this boy trying so hard to be his friend? Dan didn’t say
anything, still unsure how to feel about Phil. He simply watched as Phil shoved a greasy
fry in his mouth. He then looked down at Dan’s plate realising he hasn't taken a single
bite.
“You okay? You’re not eating.”
“I’m just not real hungry.” Dan lied through his teeth. Phil seemed to catch that as well
judging by the unreadable expression in his eyes. Luckily, he decided against saying
anything about it. “So why are we sat here all alone? Don’t you have any friends?” He
asked.
This seemed to spark anger causind Dan to look down and clench his fists.
“What the hell kind of question is that?! Obviously not!” Anger shouted.
“Just shut up before we scare him away.” Dan muttered.
“Scare who away? Me? You don’t have to worry about that. You seem like a nice guy.”
Phil said, giving him that sweet crooked smile of his until realisation dawned on him.
“Wait. You’re not really talking to me are you. Are you okay?” His smile shifted into
concern.
“Shit, he’s gonna find out and leave us for good.” Fear said.
Dan smacked his hands on his ears trying to quiet all the voices in his head. Every
emotion began to talk at once. The noisy chatter was enough to drive anyone insane
and Phil's repetitive shouting of his name wasn’t helping. Anger being the loudest, Dan
just wanted to bang his head against the wall until he died.
“Just shut up!” Dan screamed at them.
Silence filled the room as all eyes turned to Dan but to him it was nothing but
noise. All he could hear was the noise in his head. Phil’s cheeks blushed a bright pink
as he grabbed Dan’s hand, his touch as gentle as air as he led him away to the
bathroom. Phil locked the door behind them before gently taking Dan's shoulders, staring him straight in the eyes.“Dan. It’s okay. You’re okay.” He said, forcing Dan to look back at him. Dan stared into
Phil’s eyes, getting lost in the kaleidoscopes of every shade of blue. The noise began to
quiet and Dan realised there was never any sound at all. It was all in his head. He
looked down as tears began to well in his eyes. How stupid of him? Phil is never going
to want to talk to him now. Dan tried to hold it back but his tears flowed down his soft,
rosy cheeks anyways. He tried to hide it for so long, never letting himself cry. Dan hated
crying. It always made him feel weak and pathetic. Unfortunately, Dan’s always secretly
been a bit of a softy, taking most things to heart. The incident may have been relatively
small but at that point dan couldn't take it anymore and he broke. “I’m sorry.” He
managed to get out, moving to get out of Phil’s grasp but the boy pulled him into his
chest instead. The feeling of Phil’s warmth around him made Dan realise just how sad
and miserable he is.
Dan hadn’t felt comfort like this since his mother died three years ago. That was
also the last time he’d cried. Dan needed this more than he thought he did. Phil simply
held him as Dan soaked his t-shirt with his tears, whispering soothing words into his ear.
After a while, and Dan had finally began to calm down, Phil felt it was safe to say
something.
“Dan? Would you mind telling me what happened? If you’re comfortable with it that is.”
His sweet voice sounded. Dan sighed and nodded, wiping his tears away with his
sleeve as he pulled away.
“I have this thing called inside out disorder.” He spoke, his voice proving his
nervousness. “It’s this form of schizophrenia where my emotions have voices and they
talk to me in my head. No one else can hear them. I was diagnosed with it when I was
ten years old.” Dan sighed. “You probably think I’m crazy now.”
Phil was silent for a long time. It was almost long enough to allow Dan to panic
again. He didn’t wanna lose a friend he’d just made a few hours ago.
“It’s alright.” Phil finally said. “Don’t worry, I’m here now. You’ve got a friend.”
Phil pulled a pen out of his pocket and gently took Dan wrist. It took every fiber in his
being not to jerk away so Phil wouldn’t see the red ribbons painted over pale skin,
hidden under thin black sleeves. “Can I write my number on your arm? Or do you have
something I can write on?” He asked. Dans eyes flicked around the empty bathroom
searching for something, anything. His eyes fell onto the paper towels next to the sink.
He ripped off a corner and handed the piece to Phil who then held it to the wall and
proceeded to write his phone number before handing it to Dan. He folded Dan’s hand
around the paper, his hand lingering a bit too long. “Call me okay? Don’t you disappear
on me.” Phil said, giving Dan the brightest crooked smile he’d ever seen. It almost made
his heart skip a beat. How could someone be so perfect?
Of course Dan would never mean that in more than a friends kind of way right?
Either way, he couldn’t help but smile back, even if just a little. Phil obviously took that as success seeing as his smile grew and he dragged him out of the bathroom. “Well
class is over now. We kinda missed the whole thing.” He said, chuckling a bit.
“What?! I’m sorry I kept you so long.”
Dan looked down, playing with the tip of his shoe by slowly dragging it across the
ground. Phils found the action adorable but kept it to himself. “It’s alright. Don’t worry
about. Let’s just get to class. Meet me after school and we can maybe walk home
together?”
Dan nodded and Phil gave him a quick hug before running off to his class. Dan sighed
and headed down in the opposite direction.
“Damnit Dan! Now he knows. He probably said all those things just to get away from
you as fast as he could! That number probably isn’t even real. You idiot.” Anger shouted
at him. That one always seemed to give Dan a massive headache. “You’re probably
right.” Dan told him, not bothering to be quiet about since he was alone in the hallway.
“But it’s still worth a shot! Don’t listen to Anger, he’s just grumpy all the time.” Joy spoke,
his cheery voice reminding Dan of Phil.
“I guess so.” Dan said, sniffling into his class when all he really wanted was to be with Phil.