One Day || book two.

11 ~ Oh-so-dramatic

Sarah’s POV

I didn’t mean to call him a bastard. As much as he was, I didn’t mean to say it out loud. I did this to myself. I always watch my mouth. I’m sorry that I have an attitude.

Sitting in my bedroom staring out the window down at the street below it made me regret too much. My fault. I’m an idiot. He shouldn't have that much control over his thoughts. We hadn’t talked since last night. He’d slept in the study last night but I didn’t quite feel guilty.

I dialled Wardy’s number and pressed the phone to my ear. The phone rang until it went to her voicemail. I hung up and got myself up. She was at uni this morning. Monday, everybody else would be at work.

I went to the study and knocked on the door. “Josh?” I could hear me voice shake as I spoke. “Can I talk to you?”

There were heavy steps on the other side of the room, I could hear him pacing around. His steps hesitated and I heard him move to the door. Josh stayed on the other side of the door, silent for a while.

“Please?” I asked.

The door opened and he looked at me gravely. He walked out into the living room and I followed. He looked at me nonchalantly. I felt poorly compared to him. My eyes looked down at my feet while he stared at me.

“Say something.” He demanded, deadpan.

“Tell me what to say. Tell me so that it’ll be ok and we can get over this. Tell me so that there’s not a silence. I can’t stand it. Even hearing your breathes at night assures me that I’m not alone, but we’re away for way too long each month, let alone year and we can’t afford to fight.” I rushed.

He nodded slow and understandingly. I waited for him to say something, but he remained silent. 

I sighed and looked him in the eye, even though he looked elsewhere. “I don’t want to be clingy. But I also don’t want this relationship to be one-sided, that wouldn’t be fair in either of us. I’m sorry if I come across as that type of person, but that’s me-”

“I don’t see types, I see people. And if that’s who you are; so be it.” He finally spoke.

I waited for him to say more, but when he didn’t I spoke again. “But if you don’t want to help this, whatever it may be, I will walk out, because I don’t need to waste any more of my time.” I declared.

““This” is a relationship.” He clarified.

“A “relationship” then. Look, it’s not even and it’s not balanced and it’s just one of us; we’re both contributing to this negative situatio-”

“Shut up! Ok, I know all of this, I know it all. Stop saying it when we both know it.” His voice rose with every word. I swallowed back my tears as he sighed and looked at me sorrowfully. “We can’t do this anymore.” He said almost inaudibly. 

I shut my eyes and locked my jaw. I don’t know how many times I’d replayed this scene so many different ways in my head, but this was worse, I always knew that the real deal would be worse.

“It just seems like we’re pretending, do you know what I mean? I keep thinking that it’ll be ok, that something will happen and we’ll rekindle. Do you know how long I’ve waited for something like that to happen?” I didn’t have to see his face to know that he had tears in his eyes, because I could hear it in his voice. “Ever since I’ve got back from North America, Sarah. Three years ago. Three years I’ve pretended-”

“I know.” I mumbled.

“No you don’t. I only stayed because it would break your heart if I left, I know it. Wait... you know? How long have you known?”