To Fix What We Broke

Desperation

 "You're already up?" Akashi walked into the bedroom with a tray to find Kuroko was sitting up in bed, awake, and staring out the window.

"Good morning Akashi-kun. I just woke up."

Akashi made his way over and placed the tray on the side table.

"Miso soup?" Kuroko didn't look at the tray, but he recognized the smell.

"I thought you might be tired of porridge."

"I don't eat the porridge."

"You smell it."

The two fell quiet. Akashi took the chair next to the bed. He grabbed the bowl of soup and lifted a spoonful to Kuroko's lips.

"I'm not hungry.." Kuroko whispered.

"I don't recall asking." Akashi replied blandly. In his mind he was begging the gods for Kuroko to just eat without a fight. It didn't seem the gods were powerful enough for that though.

"Please leave." Kuroko whispered again even quieter than before.

"Tetsuya...." Akashi stopped when he saw tears filling the bluenettes eyes. He could feel his own eyes burning with the desire to spill tears of his own.

"I'll just throw it up. There's no point." Kuroko turned his head away from Akashi. The red head sighed.

"Okay fine." He couldn't believe he was agreeing to this. However, he was desperate, desperate enough to agree to almost anything.

"Fine?" The blue haired boy turned to face Akashi again.

"I.....I'll let you throw up....but you have to eat at least half the bowl." Were these words really coming out of his mouth? He wasn't sure there was even a point to this though. If Kuroko threw up, it would be like not eating anyway, but maybe it wouldn't. Akashi cursed himself for not knowing more about the human body. All he could do was hope that this was somehow better than not eating at all.

"Why?" Kuroko eyed him suspiciously. What was the point of eating if he would just throw it up? Did Akashi think he would change his mind after eating?

"Please.....Please Tetsuya....just eat the soup."

"You promise not to stop me afterwards?" He didn't have to say what Akashi might stop him from doing. They both understood. Akashi nodded.

"I'll take you to the bathroom myself. Just eat." He felt a tear roll down his cheek and cursed himself internally. He hated crying. He just hoped that maybe some of the soup would digest or something before Kuroko had a chance to get rid of it. The bluenette ate pretty slow.

"Only half?" Kuroko asked to double check. Half was a lot...but it wouldn't be in him for long at least. Besides, he didn't want to see Akashi cry.

"Only half."

Kuroko nodded. The red head picked up the spoon and held it to Kuroko's mouth. The bluenette reluctantly accepted it. It was a slow process. A fight ensued in Kuroko's head every time he had to open his mouth or swallow. He only won by reminding himself it was for Akashi and it would be out of him soon. When about a fourth of the bowl was gone, Akashi had to warm the soup up again. After a little more than half an hour passed, half the soup had been eaten.

"I kept up my end of the deal...." Kuroko looked sharply at Akashi who was placing the bowl back on the tray.

"Is there any way I can convince you...."

"No." Kuroko cut him off. Akashi nodded and sighed. He was a man of his word. He kept his promises, no matter how much he didn't want to. He took a moment to gather himself and blink away the tears threatening to fall then he gently picked the smaller boy up. It was painful as always, not physically, but mentally. Kuroko was so light. It was literally as if he was carrying one of those skeletons from the anatomy classrooms.

Akashi set Kuroko down in front of the toilet and looked away. He heard Kuroko whisper a quiet apology and then gagging sounds. The tears he had managed to hold back so far came streaming down his face. He shut his eyes tightly and told himself this was still better than Kuroko not eating at all. It hurt like hell though. Just inches away from him, the person he loved most in the world was puking his life away and there was nothing he could do about it. He was helpless. He had gotten Kuroko to eat, but did it mean anything? Akashi didn't care that he was crying anymore. He clenched his fists and dug his nails into his palms. It felt like the sounds from behind him were physically pulling his heart apart and dicing it up. It took a moment for Akashi to realize when the sounds had finally stopped.

"T....Tetsuya..." Akashi turned around hesitantly, afraid of what he might find. Kuroko was leaning against the wall beside the toilet shaking more than the usual slight trembling. His face was drained of color, his breath was ragged, and tears stained his cheeks, but he wasn't dead or unconscious.

Unsure what to do, Akashi wet a hand towel and proceeded to wipe the vomit from Kurokos face and hand. He flushed the toilet and carried Kuroko back to the bed.

"I'm s....sorry" Kuroko apologized in a raspy voice before coughing.

"Don't try to speak." Akashi set Kuroko on the bed and then climbed in from the other side and pulled the covers up to their chins. He pulled Kuroko closer and stroked his blue hair, careful not to tug at it since it would easily fall out. "I forgive you."

"Y....you're crying again...."

Akashi pulled Kuroko even closer tucking the blue haired head under his chin. "Because I love you." He whispered.

"There's nothing to love about me." Kuroko whispered back.

"That's not true."

"It is though. I am nothing. I don't deserve love."

"Stop saying you are nothing! You mean far too much to me to be nothing. I'm sorry I have hurt you so much..."

"I am nothing though. But I love you too Akashi-kun...I don't deserve you....b...but I..love..." Kuroko didn't finish as he drifted off to sleep.

AN: Okay, so this is finally up to date. I update more frequently on fanfiction.net and archiveofourown (under the same username) since I get more readers there. This is titled "To Fix What We Broke" on those sites.