「 The Professor & I 」VOLUME II

(181) Lovingly, Lynn

Lynn's POV

My dear Charles,

The last time I wrote to you, it didn't mean anything good.
And neither does it now.

It's only been a day since I've left your arms.
But I've missed you more dearly than I've ever had.
And yet it doesn't bring me home to you.

I know you're naturally kind.
But you've been too kind with me.

Sometimes I wished you'd just lash out at me.
Blame me for something.
Scold me for something.

At least it'll make me feel better.
Especially when I did something wrong.

Just like today.

I nearly fell from my chair.
And someone helped me.

James, my new neighbor.
He's friendly, but too friendly he's annoying.

He caught me by my waist.
He did it just like you.
And I thought he was you.

I called your name but in that moment I only saw him.

The shame that comes makes me weak.
The guilt that comes makes me fragile.
The pain that comes makes me vulnerable.

And I hate that I have to be away for you to give me the support that I need.

I'm truly sorry, Charles.
I love you.
And I don't know what else I can say.

Lovingly, Lynn.

• ♥ • ♥ • ♥ • ♥ •

My dear Charles,

The last time I wrote to you, it didn't mean anything good.
And neither does it now.

I sincerely hope your first Christmas Eve without me had gone better than mine without you.
But I think that'd be easy, given mine was utterly unbearable.

I thought I was fine dealing with James alone for the first time.
But I really couldn't deal with the two steps up his porch.
Or that disgusting cramp that keeps coming back for reasons so obscured.

I was rendered powerless more than once.
Because I'm still afraid of my past.

I'm sorry you had to see me in that miserable state.
I'm sorry you had to see me in all that pain.

And I hope you had not seen the rest of the night because I know it would only have been more hurtful.

It was enjoyable, initially at least.
Joy is a lovely girl and she lives up to her name.
I hope she makes it big one day.

But Melody daunted me with her concern.
And the kids destroyed me with their curiosity.

I just feel horribly awful about myself tonight.