ALEX

LONELY

Serenity. That's what I named her and Chris of course tags along with the name. He wanted to call her Marybeth after his dead grandmother but that named sounded so old so I turned it down.

But Serenity never got a chance to receive her name because somewhere along the way, I lost her. Seven months into my pregnancy and my body decides to reject her, so slowly she died within my womb until her heartbeat ceased.

Chris has shut me out completely, I guess that is his only way of coping with the loss but at the moment I need him more than ever. These endless nights without his attention is killing me, I want to talk, I want to cry together instead of alone. But as the sunrises in the East and sets in the West, he does just so and ignores me.

He'd enter and leave without even acknowledging my existence. There are times I find myself whispering sorry behind his back as I yearn to just rest my hands on his shoulders or at least wrap my arms around him. It is hard to breathe the same air with him. It is as though he doesn't want me around at all. Like it is my fault that I've lost our little girl.

This is going to sound crazy but I feel like he no longer has a reason to stay. I know that at first he was a bit doubtful since I wasn't fully committed, but now that I no longer carry his child, he doesn't have to stick around, right?. He doesn't have to work on our relationship anymore.

God, what is happening to me? With all this time on my hand all that I find myself doing these days is ponder on our relationship and where it's heading.

I am exhausted. I am angry. I am lonely.