The World Behind My Wall

Chapter Twenty Six: Going Back

After the completion of the album, Gustav and Heidi left for Germany, soon followed by the Listings. With the boys' Christmas presents bought and wrapped, we ship them in boxes straight to Simone's; she cleared out one of the guest rooms to ensure there would be enough space. The current plan was that we would stay at Simone's until lunch on Christmas Day and then head out to Dominik's by supper time, where we would spend the next week meeting and getting to know family members I no longer remembered. Although normally the thought of meeting such a large amount of people in a short period of time would give me anxiety attacks, but this time, I was excited. I especially couldn't wait to meet my siblings and Magdelina. The frequent Skype and FaceTime calls just weren't enough anymore - I wanted to see them in person. And speaking of my newfound family members, I still had no idea what to get them for Christmas. Bill suggested clothes, or jewelry, but I wasn't exactly sold on it. I wanted their gifts to have significant meaning. Sam told me to make them necklaces made of pasta, which is what he made for Simone and Gordan.

"Ten more days 'til Christmas!" Cody sang as he skipped around the kitchen one afternoon after his daily lessons had been completed; he'd just learned the alphabet and how to count to fifteen. "I wanna see Santa driving his sleigh! And bring my presents!"

"Code, he only comes if we're sleepin'." Sam pointed out to his younger brother.

"Yeah, that's if he's even real." scoffed Julian before walking out of the room. For some reason he's been super moody, especially after Tommy and the Listing kids left.

"Santa's real, right?!" Sam pouted and Cody burst into tears.

"I'll calm these two down. You go." Bill nodded in the direction Julian went and knelt down to hug the two younger boys, reassuring them that Santa was in fact real.

I found Julian hiding in Ronnie's room under her crib and he absolutely refused to come out, no matter how many times I promised he wouldn't be in trouble.

"You're lying. You only want me to get out so you can take me back."

"Why would I want to do that? I like having you live here. You're fun to be around, and tell the best jokes." I try my hardest not to let my emotions get the best of me; Julian's behaviour really saddened me, I knew he was still pushing us to see how far he could go. And we'd shown nothing but love and kindness towards him, but he was still convinced we would send him back to the children's home every single time he said or did something bad. It really made me wonder if I'd been like that as well, and I wished more than anything that I could go to Mom for advice. I missed her so much, especially now when I needed her. "Please come out."

"I'm bad. No one wants the bad kids." He said, finally crawling out from under the crib.

"I was a bad kid. I spent almost every day in detention when I was in elementary school. Bill and Tom were pretty bad too." I pause for a moment, thinking of what I want to say next. "But you see, when you have people around you who love you no matter what you do, there is nothing that would make them stop loving you. Nothing you do or say could make them stop loving you. I want you to know that nothing you could ever do would make me want to send you back. We love you, and we love your brothers. If I have to tell you that every day until you believe me, then I will."

Julian said nothing, instead studying my face for any trace of deception and once he found nothing but truth he sat next to me, resting his head on my arm. I desperately wanted to hug him, but knew he would just scowl and pull away, so I didn't. Making any sort of progress with him was difficult. I'd known it would be, was warned it would be. Maybe family therapy would be a good option for us - although I had a feeling that Julian wouldn't be so open to sharing his feelings.