A smile can cover up a lot

Chapter four

{Ethan}
I walked in the room my palms were sweating I don't even know why. I saw a woman in her late thirties possibly her early forties. She wore a pink blazer, black shirt,black pencil skirt and a perl necklace. She had blonde hair and blue eyes and pink lips.
"Hello... Ethan?" She asked making sure that was my name
"Yah, hello."
"How are you?"
"I'm good" I said shyly
"Ethan. I herd you tried to kill yourself two weeks ago."
"Listen, I didn't even know I was gonna come here. I was tricked into coming in here. I don't like talking about my feelings with anyone, so don't think you're any different."
"Why not?"
"I just don't it's not part of my nature."
"Really? That's why your twin Grayson showed me this" she asked giving me a paper.
"What is this?"
"Read it. Out loud please."
I opened up the paper and saw my name on the upper left corner. I read the first two words to myself and I instantly knew what it was.
"Ethan?" I looked up "out loud please"
"I have these lies
Lies i'd never tell
Of when I broke down and fell..."
I continued reading it.
"Ethan,can I ask how you felt when you wrote that?"
"I don't have an answer."
"Why not?"
"Because I don't know."
"Okay then let's start off with the basics." "Can you tell me a little bit about how you feel?" She asked me taking out a clipboard and clicking a pen once.
"I don't know.."
"Ethan I think you know but you don't want to say."
I looked down playing with my hands.
"Ethan, is everything okay."
"Yes everything is fine. I'm perfectly fine why wouldn't I be fine."
I said about to cry.
"Ethan I understand it's hard to talk about your feelings but you have to do it to get better."
"Listen, I don't know how to talk about my feelings. I never will know how to talk about my feelings. Why? Because I will never talk about them!" I said standing up.
"Ethan, please sit down."
I sighed rolled my eyes and sat back down.
"Why can't you talk about them?"
"Because it's-it's like a never ending whole. you go into I'm telling you, you'll never get out. It's just filled with depression sadness and despair."
"But Ethan when I watch you videos you seem very happy"
"Yeah cuz those are my videos. I love my fans and all I wanna do is make them laugh. But, how can I make them laugh if I'm not hap-- just forget it."
"No, Ethan, we were getting somewhere."
"I DONT WANNA GET SOMEWHERE! I don't want you to know how I'm feeling. I don't want anyone to. If they do they will be just as sad as me because I know I'm so depressed and so messed up in the brain right now, that.... If I speak to someone it'll make them depressed."
"Ethan I still don't understand.. Why is it so hard for you?"
"Because people will be looking at me like I have three heads and a tale I don't need that. You think I wanted to wake up when I was at the hospital ?!? I wanted to die! And-- you're making me talk about my feelings and I don't like it ."
"It's my job"
"I said i don't like it. I'm just gonna go."
"Etha-
She couldn't finish her sentence because I slammed the door shut.
I made my way to the waiting room and there was gray and V. I took the spare car key I had in my pocket and stormed out the door. I unlocked the car and sat in the back contemplating what just happened.
**********
{Grayson}
Vanessa and I went to Mrs.Oliver's office and asked what had happened with Ethan.
"We were finally getting somewhere and then he realized he was talking about his feelings and stopped."
"What else?"
"He said something about not wanting to wake up."
I closed my eyes and sighed.
"Okay thanks for the help. Will see if we can bring him back."
"Have a good day"
"You too"

We both walked out to the car. I was trying to process what I just heard.
"Why wouldn't he wanna wake up?"
I thought to myself.
We got into the car. All I did was look up at the mirror to see Ethan sleeping with tear stains. I sighed.
"Hey bro, wake up."
He jerked up. We looked each other straight in the eye. He could tell I wasn't pleased with him, and I can tell he wasn't pleased with me.
"Man you know I had to bring you here."
"NO MAN, YOU DIDN'T! IM THE OLDER TWIN! I KNOW WHAT IM DOING I CAN HANDLE THIS ON MY OWN!"
"man, I was just scared that you were gonna do what you did two weeks ago."
"What if I do it's not like you'd care! It's not anyone would care! What good am I? People just see me as a hot guy! They don't see me as anything else! I'm not even that hot! I'm not funny! I'm not cool! You think I like the way I look? I hate it!"
"E, don't talk like that!"
"Well I'm going to and get used to it cuz depression doesn't go away!"
He laid on all the back seats and started to cry.
"E! Stop it! Please man!"
"Just drive" he said sobbing
I started up the car. No one spoke. No one moved. All you could hear was Ethan sniffling.

We got back to the house and E went into his room.
"Why does he think like that?" I asked Vanessa as we as at the table leaning my head on my hand.
"I don't know it's probably the depression talking."
"The depression!"
Vanessa looked at me with an eyebrow raised.
"Yahhhh what about it?"
"Go on google and search define chronic depression"
Apparently chronic depression is from being sad from something that happens constantly.
"Okay now do define clinical depression"
"Clinical depression is the more severe type of depression. Known as major depression. It isn't the same depression caused by loss of a loved one or a medical condition."
"Should we talk to Ethan?"
I shrugged
**********
{Ethan}
I was laying down on my bed. I heard everything they were saying. They aren't talking to me. Why would they even care?! What good am I?
I heard foot steps so I quickly made believe I was sleeping. I heard the door creak open. It was Gray and V. Gray sat on the end of my bed right were my feet were. Vanessa stayed standing. Gray let out a deep breath.
"E?"
"E??"
"Ugh what"
"Can we talk?"
"No."
"Why?"
"Because I don't feel like it. Don't worry I pretty much let out enough in the therapist's office!"
"Listen man, you know I had to do it."
"Gray! You didn't! I knew it!"
"Knew what?"
"You guys think I'm crazy! That's what it is! You both think im crazy!"
"Ethan we don't think that!"
"Yah you do! Obviously! First a therapist, next a patted cell with a straight jacket!"
"Ethan! Why are you talking like that?!"
"Because it's facts I know it!"
"Know what we're gonna leave you by yourself don't come out until you come to your senses." Grayson told me with a straight look and stiff voice.

They left my room. I immediately regret waking up today. I'm so stupid I'm so stupid sim so stupid I'm so stupid I'm so stupid I'm so stupid! I decided to write.
"Why do I feel like I only mess things up I'm not good for anything. All I'm good for is annoying people and messing things up! Why do I have to be alive?! I think Grayson hates me. I just screamed at him for helping me! I am the most selfish person ever! And Vanessa, I can tell she wants to break up with me. I mean who wants to date a depressed nobody? I would understand if she wants to break up with me. -Ethan Dolan. Jan.26.2017
I fell asleep on my desk because I was too tired to go to my bed.
***********
{grasyon}
I went to Ethan's bedroom after Vanessa left.
"Hey Eth- "
I saw him sleeping on his desk so, I tried waking him up so he can go to his bed.
"Hey, Ethan. Wake up." I said whispering and tapping on his back to wake him up.
"Hey, hey Eth-"
He jerked up before I can say Ethan.
"What?"
"Go to your bed."
He got up and went to his bed and fell asleep again I went to the draws of extra pillows and blankets and got a blanket for him. I covered him and made my way toward the door.
But I saw a note on his desk. It had today's date on it. I read it and was shocked with what I had read.
"I don't hate him."
I thought to myself.
I took it into my room and put it in one of my draws.

I called up Vanessa and told her what the note said we decided we are going to try the circle and therapy again.