Being Pansexual

1. A Letter To You

           

For... you,

How do I know? I'm not quite sure.

It's kind of hard, well at least it was hard for me. To know, that is. To figure out, that is. It took a bit of a push and pull. Of my head and my heart. That's what people say, right?

In my head thought I knew who I was. I thought I was absolutely... Hetero. While my heart knew who I really was. I just refused to listen to it.

I refused to listen to the way I fell for that one girl who can make my heart go wild. I refused to listen to the way I always wanted to kiss the girls as much as the boys. I refused to listen to the way I found literally everyone attractive in their own ways. I refused to listen to how at home I was with one person. How I didn't get nervous if I was just that little bit too close to them. How I didn't mind their head on my shoulder. How they made me happy with a single word. How much they made my heart race. How confused and angry and sad and mad and stupid and excited and depressed they could make me in one day. How I could never stay mad at them. How the thought of them with someone else made me so... Jealous. How I couldn't imagine a future without them in it.

My head got in the way.

My head convinced me I was fine with this person dating other people. Convinced me that we were just good friends. Convinced me that was what I was feeling. That the way everyone else was attractive was just in appearance. That it was normal. That I solely liked him, not her.

And when I developed a crush on her I lied and told her it was a different guy. And when I realized my dream was to be with her I lied that it was about figuring out who I was. And when I hated her with him, I went along with it. And when she said her type was someone with dark hair color, I became depressed about my own.

This was how I realized.

At first I believed my head. But then I listened to my heart and mistook it and thought I was bisexual.

And then I, finally, learnt who I am.

Pansexual.

And I really like you.

~From a friend