Being Pansexual

67. The night we were by the fire

The fire is warm, the rest of the air is cold. We're all resting back in the chairs, the fire keeping us from freezing, some people roasting marshmallows, some people just sipping drinks and talking.
Everyone here are my friends more than yours, you're here mainly to keep me company.
It's very chill and I'm having a conversation with the girl sitting on my right. You're on my left.
You're slightly detached and watching me as I talk to the girl. We're talking about movies, tv shows, Netflix.
You normally would join in and turn the conversation into a heated argument about your favourite characters of the show, but for some reason you're really subdued. You sit back watching me converse.
Someone from across the fire yells out, "nice tights Kate!"
I look down and remember I'm wearing fishnets under my ripped jeans and I laugh. "They're a little uncomfortable," I pause, "wait you can see their outline through my jeans!"
My friends laugh and shake their heads.
"I noticed..." you say from the chair beside me.
Your fingertips touch my knee and you trace the outline of one small area of the pattern. 
Trying to ignore it, I turn back to my friend beside me and continue my conversation.
You don't stop. You're still tracing the triangle. I ignore and rant about the events of the show.
Your fingers start tracing a triangle further down my thigh,
slowly,
slowly,
very very slowly,
moving.
I can feel myself going shaky. I'm trying to keep my mind on the conversation, but you're sitting right there touching my thigh, tracing my fishnet outlines.
You're leaning close to me, I can feel your gaze.
But I also see my friend notice. She looks away almost immediately.
We're talking and I can feel myself trailing off, forgetting what I'm saying, glancing down at your fingers tracing the pattern on my thigh.
I- something...
I have no idea what's going on, but something inside me is different.
I'm so scared of myself and this feeling and the fact that we're surrounded by other people.
I try to distract myself again but stop talking in the middle of my sentence when you fingers graze my inner thigh.
I stand up suddenly, "let's play a game!" I announce to everyone. We move our chairs towards the fire and start playing never have I ever.
I've moved away, distracted you. You can't trace the pattern anymore.
I'm still shaky, scared, nervous, afraid.
I don't... I don't know.
Your fingers entwine with my hair, playing with my hair. You're laughing and playing the game and so am I, but I'm distracted by you. Touching my hair, brushing your fingers on my neck.
Giving me goosebumps.
"Never have I ever, kissed a boy," I announce when it's my turn. A few people lower one of their five fingers.
I glance and see that you're smirking.
———
Everyone has left, we're in my room. I'm laying on my bed and you're on the mattress on the floor next to me.
My parents are asleep in the room to the right, my sister across the hall, we're quietly scrolling through Instagram.
I get a notification, you messaged me.
Let's talk.
Okay, I reply, what about?
What about you say something that you like that I do, then I'll say something.
I'm so nervous, I can feel the butterflies exploding inside my stomach. All I can think of is her hand on my thigh, the feeling I've never had before. I'm so afraid of doing something... stupid.
I like it when you message me something silly randomly.
I like it when we hold hands.
I look over at you, you're staring at your phone, expressionless.
I like it when you blush, I text.
I like it when you... you don't finish your sentence. You instead lean towards my bed, push my sleeve up and trace your fingers gently down my arm.
"When you do this... softly, you know?" you whisper.
I'm blushing. I like it when you say you missed me.
I like it when we cuddle.
We continue for a while. You're listing things about us being close to each other, I'm listing random things, hoping to distract you.
After a while its's three AM and I'm yawning.
"We should... just not sleep." You sit up, in your bed, looking up at me.
"No way, I'll be so dead tomorrow if we don't." I shake my head.
You're silent, still sitting, looking up at me laying across my bed. "You okay? You're just sitting there." I laugh. But I'm nervous.
"Before we sleep can I like get something?"
"Sure, what do you need?"
Silence, you're looking up at me, but I'm saying nothing. I'm so scared.
"Something to hug? Like a pillow or stuffed animal or...?"
"You could cuddle the spare blanket?" I suggest, pulling my blankets up under my chin.
You're silent, sitting and staring up at me. Then you lay down and I swear I hear you sigh.
I switch the light off and let out a silent, shaky breath.
I was so scared, so shaky.
You make me so nervous...
Normally because of how amazing you are, but...
Today it was different.
I was scared because of the way you traced my tights. I was scared because as shaky as you made me, I liked it. So much that... I was so afraid of the fact that we were surrounded by people. What if I had done something?
And after that...
I was so nervous that I wouldn't control myself.
I didn't want to do anything stupid.
But holy shit I wanted to cuddle you.