Being Pansexual

53. It's okay now

The music is loud. Just like every other party, I'm beginning to wonder why I go to these things anymore... one in every five are actually good.
This time it's at some random hall and a band I have never heard of before is playing at the front of it, that's where everyone is gathered.
That's where we're not.
We're sitting at the back, our backs against the wall. You're on your phone and I'm in my head.
I'm freaking out.
I know I have to do it. It has to be now. I promised myself last year that I would do it- sometime around now.
If I don't do it now, I never will again.
I'm shaking, staring at the ground, my eyes fill with tears. How am I going to do it? I could never get the words out...
I open my phone. I'll write it down. Every time I have a mix of emotions and I don't know how to speak, I write it out.
I start to write. My hands are shaking.
I write to you exactly what I've wanted to say for a long time. But I'm so afraid.
I stare when I'm finished and the tears in my eyes spill out. I start crying.
And just as I do, you look up, you realize. You wrap your arms around me, hugging me.
And I'm crying, because I'm going to mess it all up. I'm going to mess up our friendship.
I type my last sentence as you hug me.
'I fucked it up, I'm sorry.'
Then just as I'm about to start sobbing, I push my phone into your arms.
I crumple into a ball immediately after, sobbing. I'm so freaked out, worried about what you're going to say, what you're going to think.
You place my phone down and then hug me.
I'm crying still because I don't know what to do.
I want you to like me.
"I'm sorry," I manage to whisper.
You lean back, out of the hug and look at me with your big happy, smiling face. "Why are you sorry?" You tilt your head to the side, grinning at me.
"I... I don't understand."
"Well... part of what you wrote... was wrong," she smiles. She picks up my phone. "Let's see... here... 'I'm so bad at speaking', well that's just not true, you're perfectly fluent in English."
I shake my head at you.
You reach over and wipe a tear from off my cheek. "And then... here." You hold the phone out to me, pointing at a sentence I wrote.
'You don't like me, you never did.'
"That's just downright a lie."
I'm frozen.
"I..."
You smile at me. "I've waited two years for this... you're the only person who thinks I don't like you."
I don't know what to do. "I was going to tell you... but it would have messed everything up, and..." you just shake your head after you trail off.
"...so," I whisper, but I'm unable to continue.
"So basically... I love you more than I could love anyone else."
My head falls into my hands, I'm crying. I don't know why. I was crying before from sadness... but now it's different. It's a mix of emotions.
"Oh no, don't cry," you say quietly, hugging me tightly. "It's okay now... it's okay..."
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Part 2 coming soon~