Disremembered (Fourtris story)

Chapter 10: Experienced?

Chapter 10: Experienced?

(There is an alternative M version, it can be found under a separate story on my Author page.)

** A few days have gone by since last chapter**

*Tobias POV*

When I took this job, I didn't think I would enjoy it as much as I do. Especially since my only option to start in the department forced me to take the night shift. I have adjusted to the odd hours, and love the flexibility of not working during the day. I have actually made some friends at work, most of whom have been impacted by the memory serum.

I glance over at Josh, he is a nice guy, late 40s, married and suddenly put into a position where he and his wife – are trying to get to know each other again because they both lost all of their memories. I can't even imagine that, but at least in his case – they are both really trying.

I have my own desk with multiple monitors, everyone's specific login determines what cameras/zones we have access to and are expected to survey. The director is impressed with my technical skills. Between the hands on experience I get at work, and the testing Nita's team is performing to fully document what knowledge I had retained from before the serum – I love the feeling of finally being in control and really good at something.

Another reason I like this job, we are often asked to monitor the city of Chicago. During my off hours they have allowed me to bring Zeke in and we can spend hours looking at the city of Chicago, the people, some key interiors and exteriors of buildings, we jokingly call it our bromance time.

I have learned a lot about my past, at least what Zeke is able to tell me. Early on he asked me if I wanted the subject of Tris to be covered, we agreed I could ask questions about her but the moment I decided I didn't want to hear more – he would drop it.

Being almost 19 years old, I casually asked Zeke about what he knew about my dating history, specifically about my experience with women. Once the jerk was done laughing at me, he gave me rundown on my life. Starting with Abnegation, nothing was going on there.

Then his version of our double dates when I was first at Dauntless – which I firmly believe he is exaggerating, I sounded like an idiot.

And then he paused...I obviously knew she would be part of the story. He told me that I was very private when it came to my relationship with Tris. Zeke looked at me and raised his eyebrows...I knew it was time to hear about her, I urged him to continue.

The general details of our relationship were very intertwined with the events – her initiation, the attack on Abnegation, and then the war – and finally our time at the bureau. When I pushed him for information about my experience, he sighed heavily, but continued. "So you and Tris, took it slow. I mean – she was literally the only girl you have ever even looked at. She was it for you and worth the wait." Zeke took a sip of his beer. "And she needed to wait, and you gave that to her – because you loved her and you always put her first."

"Oh my God, am I a virgin!?" I spit out. Almost afraid to hear the answer either way. Zeke chokes on his drink, and then laughs at me again. I scowl at him, but encourage him to talk. Now I need to know.

He looked at me and continued "Look, when I first came to the bureau and it was a hurricane...between my brother and then Tris as well... Things were just so bad in general, not to mention the chaos here. Even between us because of Uriah, I logically knew it was an accidental involvement on your part – that lying little b i t---"

I quickly interrupt him, I have heard him call Nita that choice word a few times at this point - "Zeke! Stop. Don't call Nita such ugly words. Please, do it for me. She is really important to me...I need you to respect that." I look at him pleadingly.

He slowly nods and I can see him concede, "Let's stay on subject then – your deflowering!" he laughs, the tension between us immediately dissipating. He is such an ass, but I do value his friendship. A lot.

"So as Christina has told you, or actually shouted at you, you tried to take the serum – but she stopped you. That same day you and I had it out. We made peace with what happened to Uriah and your involvement. I had never seen you so broken. We ended up talking for many hours about everything that you had been through during your time at the bureau, with Tris. And then you...well you told me that you and Tris had made love...the night before she died." Zeke won't even look at me when he gets the last part out.

My mind is reeling... That is tragic. Seriously, the night before. I need to know... Clearing my throat, I ask him if he knows anything else, any specifics. He looks at me sadly, I imagine he is remembering our actual conversation.

"Tobias... You loved her. I mean, you REALLY loved her. If I had ever doubted how much before, that night we spoke, watching you grieve her... I think you just needed to tell me, tell someone – about your night with her. To remind yourself it was real - - and how important and special it was to you both. It was hard for me to even listen to you, I felt how deep your loss was. She was your future, the one you needed and wanted." Zeke looks sad as his voice trails off.

I bite my lip, for the first time seeing a glimpse of this Tris. And who she was to me. Damn it – I hate this. And for a moment I wonder if letting my past go was in fact worth it.

I then quickly tell Zeke – that is enough. I don't ever want to talk about that night again.

---FLASHBACK---

(The day after Tobias learned he was part of the rebels group)

I am hitting the gym, it calms me to run. And I have so many thoughts going through my mind. Nita kissing me was a shock, I just wasn't really sure that she was thinking about me romantically. And to be honest – I am unable to pin point how I feel about it. I care for her...but the kiss just didn't feel right. I chuckle to myself. As if my memory-wiped-state would have any idea what I am supposed to feel when kissed.

A new part of my ongoing rehabilitation was to watch old surveillance footage from Chicago. Some videos going as far back as when I was 10 years old, walking through the city wearing the plain grey clothes of the Abnegation faction. Looking at these tapes are like watching a movie for the first time. Nothing too specific, but it was still strange to watch. The most disturbing video presented to me was when I was being controlled by Jeanine – and my physical fight with Tris. I could not even stomach the entire video. I had to turn it off.

My conversation with Caleb from the night before was also on my mind. For the first time ever, I had a dream Tris last night. We were in an apartment and she was there one moment and then she was gone. I was frantically searching for her in my dream. I woke up feeling panicked.

After my run, I went by the clinic and asked Ben from my rehabilitation team to pull bureau video of me and Tris, whatever he could find. As Nita had kissed me the night before, I decided best not to ask her.

Ben was able to provide a few tapes immediately that had already been pulled, I did note that Nita has initialed their release as team lead – the overall impression I got was a pretty unhappy couple.

No audio – but I could tell by the body language, frustrations, a lot of stomping off on both of our parts. When I saw them with my own eyes, I made the decision to put Tris in the past. I didn't want to think about her any more.

---FLASHBACK END---

And then another thought crosses my mind, this epic love story is in contrast to what the Rehabilitation team had presented to me. Things are not adding up.