Disremembered (Fourtris story)

Chapter 46: Admissions & Goodbyes

Chapter 46: Admissions & Goodbyes

*Tobias POV*

The moment Tris slams my front door shut I feel my stomach drop. She left. I can't believe she actually left. I told her I am falling in love with her...and she left. Maybe she didn't hear me. It is possible she was so upset that she was too distracted to hear me?

I doubt it.

I think she was furious with me. I sit down on the floor of my apartment and lean back against my front door. I am not angry with her, I saw the hurt in her eyes. I am heartbroken.

She was in pain. In that moment, more than anything I wanted to hold her, to love her, to make her feel safe. But she looked at me like...like I was not enough. Even worse, as though I was the worst person on the planet.

We were fine, God...we were better than fine. We were amazing. The connection between us was so strong.

I shouldn't have pushed her about the tank top and her scars. I just wanted to show her how much she meant to me. I wanted her to know that I think she is perfect, exactly the way she is. All I said was the word 'beautiful'. I cringe, remembering I also pushed up her shirt and kissed her wound, after she specifically told me not to. I didn't respect her boundaries. This is my fault.

I did that without her consent. She told me she wanted to keep her shirt on and I pushed her too far. Damn it! I did this. This is my fault. I screwed this up. I hurt the one person who means more to me than anything. I am ashamed. Tears blur my eyes; I quickly blink them away.

I go over the moment in my mind. I moved slowly and I did look at her to wait for her reaction, I had interpreted the look on her face and in her eyes as an OK. I obviously got that wrong. Tris Prior is the last person on this earth I ever want to hurt, and now I have done just that.

I don't know what is wrong with me. What I do know – memories or no memories, I only truly feel alive and whole when I am with Tris.. She wakes me up. She pushes me. She makes me smile more than anyone else ever has, or ever could. She is who I need to be with. No matter what, I am not going to give up on her- on us.

I don't give a damn about Luke, or Nita, or research or whatever the hell else is out there. I love her and I am going to fight for her.

I hurry to take my shower. Having worked the night shift is starting to take its toll on me. Being on zero sleep, I need to wake up and get moving. I plug in my electric razor into the outlet near the mirror. Making sure to not miss a spot while I examine my face in the mirror, the doubt creeps in. I look at myself in the mirror as I slowly lean forward to examine my eyes.

Tris doesn't love me. I drop my razor in the sink. She said it herself the last time we fought. Or, I should say, the last time I treated her like shit, and she finally pushed back.

"As far as I am concerned, the man I loved died when he was weak and pathetic and threw away who he was."

I cringe remembering her words. She was so cold, so done.

No.

I won't accept that. Even if I am not Four/Tobias Eaton, I can still be a man worth loving.

I need to find her.

+o+ooo+o+

I run to Tris's apartment first, hoping to catch her there. I knock on the door for a few minutes. I realize it is very likely that she may be inside but refusing to talk to me.

I loudly try to project my voice into her apartment, "Tris! Please open the door. I need to talk to you, please. I love you. I know I have made so many mistakes - -"