But now we're stressed øut

10

Tylers pov

I was starting to think my life and everything i ever believed in was just some big joke, that i could never be taken seriously. For a moment i thought 'maybe suicide was too far and maybe there is hope' but now i don't care, I know how full of shit my family are.
When i first came in here it was all "oh we will visit every week, we love you" but they lied. They know that Saturday is visiting time but they didn't bother coming.

I cried about this to josh, giving out about my shitty life knowing he probably had it worse. I thought anger would make me feel better but now i only feel worse. In my anger i started to remember all the other reasons i hated life. How i had no friends for most of my life and then when i found my best friend he left me, acted like i was a stranger. I remember how much i hated most of my 'friends' all they did was talk about who they were fucking. I was there for each of them but they never even bothered to ask if i was okay, they constantly made plans without me and bad mouthed me when i was gone! They laughed when mason was beating me up, it was far from funny.

"Josh Im sorry about this" i  said sitting up from my bed "its okay, sometimes all you need is a person to listen" i smiled but it faded, as soon as we are out of here things will go back to how they were and i know it will be used against me.

There was a knock on the door and I jumped up "yes?" "You and josh have missed a meal" i groaned "sorry, we were busy!" "Tyler, report to your counsellors office, josh please leave this room, go to ms claydon down in the main hall, she has some food for you" josh jumped up as the man left "she always keeps me something good!" He smiled and we both left.

I sat outside my counsellors office nervously, this is my fourth grey card, i havent eaten anything but toast in two days, i felt sick.

The door opened and fedora boy walked out, i forgot his name again. I walked in sitting down and i received a disapproving look "Tyler, we have been observing your eating habits and you have skipped 4 meals, this is very concerning" i nodded not knowing what to say "we have been in contact with your parents to see if you have a history with eating disorders and your mother has explained that you have always eaten smaller portions than your other family members and that it had concerned her" "i only ate smaller portions because i wanted to be healthier" she didn't like me answer, judging by her facial expression "do you have a phobia of food?" What sort of a question is that? "Uhh no" "why are you skipping meals?" "Well today I genuinely forgot but if you really want to know, the food here is trash" she looked offended, what did she want me to tell her? That i hated food? No. Nobody hates food.

Im not being ignorant, i know eating disorders are all based around people hating food but they don't. Its the guilt that comes with eating that they hate, they hate that everything they eat will either be forced back up or they will restrict themselves. Everything we eat is loaded with fat and calories and all we want is to be perfect, we are then revolted by ourselves thus we end up feeling revolted by food but we don't hate food we just hate what it does to us.

How would i know so much? I insist I don't have an eating disorder but I think about it way too much, I'm ashamed to admit that i have the tendencies. Even though i know all this, I don't have an eating disorder, I'm not underweight!.

"The food here is healthy" "and its disgusting" "you have to eat it" "what happens if i refuse??" "You will be put on medication an-" "what happens if I don't take it??" "Um well we will be forced to-" "you don't even know do you?" "We aren't allowed to tell patients about it, but you will be admitted to another ward" "oh another ward? And what ward am i in now? For which of my problems am I actually here for?" I said sarcastically and She sighed  "Tyler, we are not permitted to speak about the wards directly to patients" "i have one question, since i tried to kill myself, why am i not on suicide watch??" I knew i was annoying her but I didn't care at all! "This facility has staff member in what we call 'danger zones' and they are always on the look out for people that are a danger to themselves" "what will they do if i try to kill myself??" "Well they will prevent it" part of me want to test the limits, its not like i would survive once i left here anyway!.

I stood up, getting a weird look and i left the room. My counsellor shouted after me and i ran.

Joshs pov

Me, vic and kellin were in the music room and all i could think about was tyler, he probably got in a lot of trouble just because he missed a meal, they are so annoying when you're on eating disorder watch and I remember they admitted me to the ED ward and it was weird, constantly being watched and people forcing you to eat porridge and bananas, if I didn't want to kill myself before, I definitely did then.

This ward sucked but definitely not more than the suicide/self harm ward. They never told us names of wards but everyone knew, the one im in is usually referred to as 'the manic/depression/anxiety ward' basically its for people who have these 'episodes' as staff refer them to, theres people with schizophrenia, bi polar disorder, PTSD and many personality disorders. It can be very scary witnessing some of these episodes, i remember after my first week here We were in group therapy and Mikey walked in, blood dripping down his hands, his jacket covering the area that was bleeding, he was in the suicide ward for weeks! But everyone has a breakdown or two in here and i just hope i won't have another.