To Love What We Broke

Chapter 18: School

Two months isn't long enough to get used to waking up next to a skeleton, but then again, that isn't something the mind is supposed to get used to. Akashi didn't. He couldn't get used to the cold skin or the ribs and hip bones jutting out. He couldn't get used to rubbing Kuroko's back and feeling like he was rubbing an old time washboard. He couldn't get used to the way those bones felt pressed against his skin when he held his lover tight or how lifeless he seemed asleep. He couldn't get used to seeing every bone when he helped him change or bathe. He couldn't get used to how light Kuroko felt sitting on his lap as if he was hold a baby doll instead of a living breathing person. He couldn't get used to watching Kuroko's too weak body struggle with even the simplest tasks. Those just weren't things someone can get used to and he didn't want to. He didn't want things to stay like this long enough for him to get used to it if that was actually possible. He would always love Kuroko no matter how much it hurt. He would love him no matter what he looked like or how ill he was.

No, he couldn't get used to the skeleton in his bed. He couldn't get used to it, but he usually pushed those thoughts aside. They didn't help the situation. Crying over his lovers frail appearance wouldn't make things better. If anything, it would just upset Kuroko. So he pushed those thoughts away and most days he could keep them away. There were days when his own depression got the better of him and those thoughts threatened to overwhelm him and tear him apart. There were days he blamed himself for Kuroko's illness and days he blamed the world (though he never once blamed Kuroko). There were days he wanted to just give up because it felt so hopeless.

Then there were days he got angry. Really angry. He would wait till Kuroko was asleep and then go outside and punch or kick a tree or the punching bag in the gym. There were days he was angry at himself for not being able to protect Kuroko and days he was angry at the illness for not being a physical thing he could beat to a bloody pulp for hurting the one he loved. Yes, he was angry at an illness. He couldn't be angry with Kuroko though. Not truly. Even if Kuroko was the one hurting what was most precious to him, Kuroko was also that which was most precious to him.

But most days he could push those thoughts and feelings away. He was used to that. However, today he could not, and it wasn't because he was depressed. He was worried.

Kuroko was eating every day and had finally managed to gain seven pounds (Although Akashi swore he couldn't figure out where they were hidden). He wasn't anywhere near being out of the danger zone, but he was doing better. But that wasn't what worried him. At least, it wasn't at the top of the list at the moment.

He was worried because he didn't want to leave Kuroko alone for nearly a whole day. Of course, he wouldn't be completely alone. Akashi's father would be home and the servants would be around. The doctor was just down the hall too. He just wouldn't be with Akashi.

Why?

Because Kuroko practically forced him to start physically attending school again. Something about them being back in Kyoto, needing to experience life instead of being cooped up with a sick guy, making sure the student council and basketball team weren't up to no good and still knew what fear was, and some other nonsense that Akashi didn't really care about. Yes school was important, but Kuroko was more important to him. He had made sure to attend practices the past week and showed up briefly at school for any tests or extra important matters. He didn't see why he should go waste the whole day there though. Kuroko, however, disagreed. In fact, the bluenette was ready to pull out the threats if Akashi didn't shut up and agree. What was he supposed to do? Kuroko was perhaps the only person who could beat him...and he did. Akashi agreed. So after two weeks of being back in Kyoto, he was finally going to attend school full time again. He wanted to wait till he could take Kuroko with him, but the doctor said it would be a few more weeks before that was even a possibility and Kuroko refused to let Akashi wait that long.

"Now make sure you rest. If you need anything, just ring that bell." Akashi pointed to a bell on the side table. "And I mean anything. None of your 'I don't want to bother them' bullshit. They are servants. You are supposed to bother them and...hey! Stop laughing! I'm being serious here!" Akashi glared at Kuroko.

"Sorry Sei-kun." Kuroko apologized with barely an ounce of sincerity only made more obvious by the fact he was still giggling. "You just sound like such a mom. You've repeated yourself about ten times now. I will be fine. Do you need me to spell it for you?"

"Don't be smart! I'm just worried."

Kuroko sighed and rolled his eyes. "I'll ring the bell if I need anything."

"And that really does mean anything. I know how you are. No bullshit. Anything means anything."

"Hai, hai. Servants exist to be bothered. I got it."

"And if you need me, text, or even call. I don't care what time it is. I'll text you during every break to check up on you okay." Akashi placed a quick kiss on Kuroko's forehead as the latter nodded sarcastically.

"Hai. Now go to school mom." Kuroko teased as Akashi was leaving.

"Tetsuya....." Akashi growled.

"I said go. Shoo. Out. Scram. Go to school." Kuroko waved his hand gesturing for the red head to get out. Akashi gave another sigh and grabbed his bag before obliging, all the while muttering something Kuroko couldn't make out. It was probably ridiculous complaining anyway.

With Akashi gone, Kuroko settled in for a long and boring day. He didn't really want Akashi to leave, but he had taken up enough of his lovers time. Akashi needed to go live life and take care of his responsibilities and Kuroko didn't want to be a burden. He didn't want to be an overly clingy boyfriend who couldn't fend for himself. He couldn't say he wasn't afraid though. He was. He was afraid of his mind and the dark thoughts that always seemed to be hanging out on the edges of his mind waiting for their chance to swallow him whole. Akashi was like a bright light that forced them to stay on the edge. His presence was strong and powerful and capable of chasing away the thoughts that dared to attempt to get closer. So of course Kuroko was afraid. Without him, there was nothing but his whimpy self to fight off those powerful demons.

He was just glad Akashi didn't seem to notice. He was glad he could hold his tears and fake a smile till the door closed. He was glad he had the strength to push away when he wanted to grab on and never let go. And if he was strong enough to do all that, he was strong enough to survive a few hours. That's what he decided to tell himself anyway. But first he would let a few tears fall. Then he would sleep. Maybe when he woke up again, he would actually be able to believe he was strong enough for this.

8Gn