LostMyHead// Matty Healy.

Anobrain

Matty's POV:

I couldn't feel my head when I woke up this morning. Everything felt like such a fog. I got way too hammered last night and I really need to stop getting that out of hand. My memories of the night were so spotty. All I could piece together was getting there, chugging a bottle of Bacardi, and sabotaging my own health by entertaining the devil herself and doing blow off the screen of her phone. I still couldn't let that go, or even begin to forgive myself for such things. There was such an extreme guilt that felt like two hands pulling me deeper into a hole. I just wanted to make it all go away, nothing in me wanted to be like this anymore. I was tired of hurting. I was tired of being such a mess on the inside. I wanted to be as okay as I made myself seem.

I was still laying against Ava's chest and her arm was wrapped over me holding me closely. I just laid there and enjoyed the feeling of being so close to her for a minute longer and tried to not focus on the pounding headache. I felt like I owed everyone an apology from last night, I really killed everyone else's good time by being such a mess. It started off perfectly fine until I had to get carried out by George. If I could redo that night I really just would've stayed home because now I'm left broken into more pieces than before and a weird itch for the next fix of coke. After finally giving into my bad habit, it was all I could think about. That electrifying, pulsating euphoria that filled up all my senses until it all fell into thousands of little pieces. It made everything start to go away even if it was just for a bit. It was all I needed.

Ava started to stir in her sleep some just before I heard the slightest yawn come from her lips. I looked up just in time to see her eyes softly flutter open and meet mine. She slightly smiled as she leaned forward and gently kissed the top of my forehead,

"Good morning handsome," She yawned out making me softly smile in response. "How'd you sleep?" She asked as she gently untangled her arms from around me. I only groaned softly in reply because I felt like if I tried to talk my head would just explode on the spot. I rolled over to my other side as Ava stood up from the bed with a stretch.

"You know I think it'd be good for us to get out for a bit today, maybe go on a little date? We haven't gone on a proper one since we met." She looked at me with these puppy dog, almost begging eyes. I could tell what she was doing, she just wanted to keep me distracted and busy today so I didn't catch a minute to think more of how I was last night. I knew she meant well and I appreciated that but I really just didn't want to get out of bed at all. The idea of moving alone made me tired just thinking of it. I simply groaned again in response as I pulled the blanket over my head. I just really wasn't feeling up for it or anything. I wish I could just be asleep right now so I didn't have to try to deal with the reconciling of my actions. The whole 'I'm sorry it won't happen again' process and trying to convince everyone I'm okay. I can't even still process the reason behind all this myself, all I did know was I had this weird itch for something that I shouldn't even be thinking about anymore...

"Baby please? I could get all dressed up and we could go to that little steakhouse you kept going on about last week and we could just get out. It wouldn't be much fun just moping about all day!" She tugged on the bottom so my head would be uncovered again. I tried to hide the look of annoyance at the lights hitting my eyes again as I saw her still with her begging facial expression. I wanted to say yes just to make her happy but there was just no way in hell I could pull on some act long enough to get through the whole night out with her. I just feel like I took so many steps back to the old Matty that now I need a moment to learn how to stop this before it gets worse. I didn't want to be back in that state I was before, but the real question was- have I ever even left it?