LostMyHead// Matty Healy.

Heads.Cars.Bending

Ava's POV:

I could feel my heart breaking into little pieces that slowly fell further into the pit of my stomach as he just looked lifeless now. The way he said it still just rang in my ears as the tears started to trickle down my face. I didn't know what to do, I felt lost, confused- embarrassed. I couldn't even find words to say to him. Instead all I could manage was a small nod of my head. That was all I needed to hear, I had no business left here so I went to quickly turn and walk away.

I quickly went to go towards the patio because all I needed right at the moment was a cigarette. When I turned my back, I heard George call out my name but I couldn't deal with this right now. I just needed that cigarette and a good cry before my mind starts to let this eat me up even more.

Matty's POV:

"How could you do this to her?" George exclaimed as I could see a tear of his own pry at the corners of his eyes. I felt so numb but it was mostly due to the come down of this horrible high.

I had yet to face the whole reality of how much I had just ruined. I've been like in a fog for days now where I don't even recall what I'm doing or why. But I can recall how madly I've fucked up. All I've been up to is running off to the 'studio' to chase my highs and chase the girl of my nightmares. I don't know what it was but it was just all the coke she always had and all the invites to sniff a few lines together, it was like I could never say no. She still had such a hold on me and I hated it and I mostly hated for that.

These lines would always lead to more. I couldn't stop myself, it was disgusting. She was always the same though so it began to lead to the pattern of going to the studio, meeting her up, sniffing some lines, and slipping her out of whatever dress she chose to show up in. It was so horrible but I've never been amazing at commitment, the whole concept causes so many internal struggles just thinking about it. I wish I could understand how to be faithful to one girl but after years of shagging about it's hard to try to just turn this off. It was just all the more reason to hate who I am.

"Matty not even just how could you do that, but how could you do what you did today? You just had to wash your own girlfriend's blood from your hands!" George exasperated as he just looked more and more confused and disappointed by the moment.

He had such a good point. I am just a monster, I had no control over myself back there and by the time my brain decided to turn back on I was already looking at the sight of a bloodied sobbing Ava. It was so horrible, I don't think I've ever done something so repulsing and revolting in my life. That event alone makes me not want to chase another high again, I never wanted to be put in that position again or have her in that position again. Seeing the fear in her eyes and knowing I was the reason is something that keeps eating me up on the inside until all I have left is this pathetic shell of a man. I wish I didn't have to live this, I wish this wasn't my life. I just didn't know how to fix this or change anything.

"Look, I'm not sure what to even do or say anymore but you should try to get some rest. Its late and your drained. I'll talk to Ava and we'll all figure this out in the morning because nothing is about to get solved right now." George sighed as he plopped himself down on the coffee table in front of me. I just pathetically nodded as I stood and walked to the room.

I immediately curled into the bed as I let all these horrible thoughts consume me. It was like the second the blankets touched my shoulder I just fell into the endless pit of the worst thoughts. I really didn't deserve to be here. I have just continued to mess up and mess up more of everything. All I wanted was to take a hit to get my mind off this but I knew I couldn't. All I wanted was to have Ava crawl into this bed next to me, lay her head on my chest like she always does and fall asleep with me but I knew that wouldn't happen either.