LostMyHead// Matty Healy.

Milk

            Things have been so different and we all tried to act like they weren't. Everything really seemed to have changed ever since Matty stumbled in that night. All he ever did was try to hide in the room or run off to the studio and come home in the dead of night time. He was so distant but he tried not to be and I could tell but at the end of the day, we were both struggling to try to be okay. Neither of us got much sleep anymore. I stayed up worrying about him, and Cade- trying to figure out what the next step is. He stayed up scratching out words in his messy notebook or having a blunt in bed. He was smoking a lot more than usual but he claims its nothing important. We've both been in this odd hole of this depression and were too busy trying to help the other person out of it that we forgot to help ourselves.

Matty was out at the studio today so I could practically bet on him not coming through that door until almost midnight. I woke up and he was already gone with just a small note to replace him on his spot in bed. George was out with him too so it left it to be just Kelsey and me. I've just been trying to keep myself busy so I didn't get too much time to just sit and think. I've been getting too much time to think with how much Matty was leaving me to myself. It hasn't ended well at all, my bad habits have been out of control and I couldn't get a grasp on it at all. I have slices and scrapes all over my thighs now to the point that there was no more space so I had to move to my arms. It was so much harder to keep those hidden but its not too hard since its winter in Manchester. I can just wear big sweaters all the time without it looking odd. I wish I wasn't like this but I just keep beating myself up over everything. I can't shake this guilt and sense of responsibility for everything that's happened from losing Caden to practically losing Matty.

So far all I've done with today is cleaned absolutely everything in sight to stay busy. I was actually taking the laundry back to the room when I bumped into Kelsey. Not metaphorically either, we collided shoulders causing the basket of clean clothes to spill all over the floor below us.

"Oh wow, I'm sorry babe" She laughed as she quickly bent down to pick up some of the mess. I just laughed it off the situation as well and started to throw the clothes back into the basket.

"I'll help you get this folded too," She said as she reached for the last piece of clothes.

"It's all right, you don't have to," I pulled on a forced smile as I picked up the basket. "No I want to, we barely get time to chat with how things are now." She said with her usual bright radiant smile. She was so easy going and just seemed so happy all the time. I don't think I've ever seen her not laughing or trying to make a dark situation lighter. Even with 'how thing are now' she was always the one trying to get us all together to still have fun.

"Well thank you, I'd really appreciate that" I said as we began to walk to Matty and I's room. We tossed all the clothes on the bed as we began to sort out what's what. I almost thought we were going to be able to do this in some peaceful silence but I don't think Kelsey would ever let that happen. She was quick to speak up as she folded up one of Matty's plain white shirts.

"So how are you Avz? What's been up with you recently?" She said to begin some small talk. I couldn't tell if she was just trying to small talk or if she really wanted to know. Her and I were never super close but we were at least good friends. I decided just to take it at surface level as small talk and nod my head,

"I'm good, just been hanging around really." I said the first meaningless response I could think of as I put some clothes into the drawer it belonged in. I looked over to see her stop folding what was in her hands as she looked at me skeptically.

"No Ava like really how are you? A lot is happening right now and I know it must be hard." She said sounding so sincere. I was kind of at a loss for words. It wasn't shocking or anything it was just the fact that I couldn't think of how to even begin to answer the simple question. There was too much, it was too complicated. How do I casually say to a friend 'I'm actually quite terrible and beyond tired of trying to figure out how to get my drug addict boyfriend to be happy again and figure out how to make myself happy at the same time of dealing with this and the loss of my little brother and I'm still trying to get over the loss of my mom as well and I don't even want to exist anymore so I can stop causing so many problems'?