Tranquility ✧ Syndisparklez

Day 15

Day 15

I apologize for missing a few entries, but this past weekend with Tom has been... significantly better. I haven't had another incident with my other personalities, and I really don't hear from them very often. Sometimes I might pick up on a distant whisper of their voices, but nothing loud enough to comprehend.

Although I've been having better luck with my personalities, I've started having dreams... Night terrors, actually. Not the regular nightmares, made up of imaginary monsters or entering a class with no pants on. I used to think those dreams were scary, but now... Now, after what I've seen...

I can't decide if these nightmares are made up, or visions of what I had to face in the past. Tom had to come in last night to wake me up, cause he was afraid my yelling would've woke the neighbors. I wouldn't have to scream if it weren't for these memories...

Again, I know I'm supposed to write down my memories, but I can't. That would make it all too real. Right now I feel as if I'm on cloud nine, reviewing my life from someone else's perspective. If I physically write down what I've faced, it will drag me back down to the Earth, into the horrible life I've been cursed with.

Besides, the dream is always pretty blurry when I get up... But I always remember one thing. I don't want to give specifics, as not to snap back to reality, but I remember my dad always saying-

I hesitated, clutching the wooden pencil between my fingers, my fingertips turning a pale white, due to the intense pressure.

"Hey man," Tom entered my room, as if it were his own. "What'cha writing?"

Instead of slamming the book closed to hide my words, like I usually did, I left it open for him to observe. He accepted my invitation, quickly reading over my shoulder, skimming over the paragraphs.

"You can keep writing, sorry to interrupt," Tom mumbled.

That was the response I was dreading to hear. I didn't want to remember. My body developed MPD so I wouldn't remember. So why am I rebelling?

I wanted Tom to stay, and offer we did something else, like play video games. I'd rather do anything than keep writing.

"It's fine, I was done anyways... I forgot what I was gonna write," I lied, pasting a fake smile onto my face.

Tom mirrored my weak smile, staring at me from where he stood in the doorway.

"Jordan, can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Have you ever been in love?"

The words fluttered from his lips. I thought for a bit, remembering the blurry face from my dreams.

"Yeah, I think so," I said it so quietly, it was almost a whisper.

"Did you like it?" Tom asked, before continuing. "Falling in love, I mean..."

"I guess... I don't really get what your asking," I let out a nervous laugh.

"That's good... I personally hate falling in love."

"Oh."

He said it so coolly, as if using the words "love" and "hate" in the same sentence wasn't a big deal.

He must've sensed my confusion, as he leaned against the wall, making himself comfortable before continuing.

"I'd like to be loved, and cared for, especially if I love that person back. But, it's complicated when the person I fall in love with is a close friend, which seems to be happening to me a lot." Tom paused to lick his cracked lips. "I cherish friendships so much, so I don't want to be selfish and replace a healthy friendship with a complicated relationship."

I didn't know what to say.

So he continued, just to fill the silence.

"I know if I want to indulge in a crush, I have to run the risk of ruining the friendship after our relationship has run it's course. I mean, I don't want to do that, obviously, but at the same time I love-"

"You said our," I blurted out.

"I was just trying to connect... You get what I mean," Tom quickly corrected his mistake, before running his fingers through his tangled hair. "Maybe that's why they called a love-hate relationship," Tom let out a heavy sigh, before crossing his arms over his chest.

It seemed as if he could've continued, but I just wanted to drop the subject all together.

"The benadryl helped me go back to sleep last night... Thank you," I muttered.

"Sure thing. If you want more tonight, I can get you some," Tom offered, his regular smile returning to his face with the change of topic.

"Thanks, Tom."