Deeper (5SOS Ashton Irwin Fanfic)

Chapter 20

Lily’s POV:  

Ashton drives me home, our hands grasped together on the middle console. We just chat aimlessly, enjoying each others company. It makes me smile to find out that Luke & him might be hanging out soon. Even he smiles a bit talking about it. But, before long, I’m back home & he’s parked on my curb.  

“I’ll see you Sunday, okay?” he mumbles while looking at our hands. He rubs little circles into my skin & it calms me a bit. Sunday seems so far away, I want to see him every second of every hour of every day. We haven’t even been official for a week, & he’s already had such an impact on my life & who I am as a person. I nod my head, keeping it down to avoid eye contact. Just as I’m about to say thanks for the ride & get out, he puts his index finger on my chin & lifts it up towards him. I meet his eyes reluctantly. They’re big & full of warmth. His lips are pulled into a fine line as his right dimple threatens to show. Curls fan out across his forehead, ever so slightly swooshing over his eyebrows & into his hazel eyes.  

“Goodnight Ash,” I whisper, breaking the eye contact. I turn to get out of the car, a sense of emptiness & sorrow overflowing my heart all of a sudden. I have no idea why, but I can’t hide my desperation to be alone. Grabbing the handle, I pull down on it & put my foot on the pavement below me. But, I’m pulled back suddenly, & my lips meet his harshly. I’m taken a back, & its just a peck kiss. No real intention to get rough like in the movie theatre. He stays there, breathing in deeply before letting go. I meet his eyes & find them swimming with the same upset tone I’m feeling right now. He squeezes my hand & puts his head down, hair flopping over to cover his complexion. My sudden need to escape has vanished, leaving me with this boy who probably feels that same emptiness more often than not. I feel then guilty, like he took the bad feelings from me & now bares them himself. I lean over & move his hair off of his forehead, kissing his smooth skin lightly. I then get out of the car for good & head into my house, not once looking back to see if he took off.  

I’m confused & kinda in a trance. I’ve never had that feeling before, just all of a sudden I felt like I had just been beaten to the ground physically & emotionally. Plopping down on my bed, I stare up at my ceiling, emotionless. Every single thing is running around in my head once, giving me a headache & confusing me even more. I don’t want him to be unhappy but it feels like he just took the feelings from me voluntarily, like he knew what I was feeling & like he knew what would happen. Rubbing my temples, I get off my bed to get some medicine for the throbbing in my head. I down two pills & slip into some sweats for bed. I crawl underneath my covers & nuzzle into them, trying to rid of the thoughts circling my head. But, not five minutes later do I receive a text. Breathing in sharply, I notice its Ashton:  

Lily, I’m sorry for the car. I’m not even really sure what happened so I’m not sure if i should be saying sorry or not. whatever happened, it was uncomfortable & I’m sorry if it was my fault. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, because i think we both need to rest & get a good nights sleep  

My stomach aches for the thought of this boy. I’m not too sure what really happened either, so I just shoot a response that sounds right:  

honestly I’m not so sure what happened either…. i feel a nights rest will sort it out too. goodnight x  

& with that I turn my phone off, wanting to enjoy to peaceful serenity of the night & the warmth of my bed sheets.  

Ashton’s POV:  

She gets out of the car & I open my eyes. Lifting my head up, I barely catch her walking through her front door.  

What did I do? What the fuck did I do? Why did I do that?   

It was wrong. I let my walls fall again. No, no she didn’t need to see me at my worst. She didn’t deserve that. All Lily ever did was help me, lift me up & make me feel wanted. The last thing she needed was to see that I wasn’t okay. I wasn’t sure I was ever going to be okay. I’m like an old abandoned house that someone makes their summer job to tidy up. I’m okay sometimes, like my foundations stay intact, but every once in a while you’ll find something you forgot to fix or a spot on the wall you forgot to paint. That’s how I’m feeling right now.  

I take off for home, my hands gripping the steering wheel hard enough that my knuckles turn a sickly white color. Fighting the urge to want to swerve off the road & scream, I keep my eyes locked on the road home. All I wanted to do was help her, she looked so vulnerable & child-like. I wanted to help her, but all I did was mess myself up again.   

Finally arriving home, I slam my car door & walk inside on the verge of punching my wall. I walk in to see an empty living room, so I turn the corner to walk into my room. Alice is asleep in her room, thankfully. I try not to slam the door to my room, so it ends up just kinda shutting hard. I lock it & sit on my bed, bringing my knees to my chest & squeezing my eyes closed. Breathing deep, I fight the urge to get my blades out. I fight it so hard, I’m pretty sure I’ve got blind from closing my eyes so tightly. My mind is swimming & screaming with all of these thoughts, & I finally ball my hands into my sheets & stick my face into my pillow. I scream at the top of my lungs, my throat burning as tears begin to prickle at my eyes. I scream another time, letting my heart pour into the shrieks escaping my mouth. Carrying this on a few more times, I finally calm myself to where I’m not shaking violently. I sit up & lean my head against my headboard. Finally, I don’t feel like fighting myself anymore.  

I open the drawer next to my bed & dig to the bottom, finding my towel & blade. Shaking my head, I criss-cross my legs & hunch over on my bed. One for letting my guard down. Another for the way Lily was feeling. A few for all the times I screamed in my pillow. One more just for the hell of it. Another one just for the hell of it.  

10 minutes later, I shoot Lily a text. She responds & I go to bed. My stomach feels like its carrying the weight of the world while my heart feels as light & empty as a feather. I’m feeling all the emotions all at once, but at the same time I feel nothing at all. Drifting off into sleep, my brain swims with confusion & self-loathe.