Deeper (5SOS Ashton Irwin Fanfic)

Chapter 31

The funeral is the following week. It’s closed, so only my grandparent’s & I attend. While my grandmother sobs into my grandfather’s shoulder as she is lowered into the ground, I am stoic. I’m all cried out. There’s none left for me to release. When the dirt is finally finished being put over the coffin, I set yellow daffodils next to her tomb stone. Her favorite. A soft smile forms on my mouth, lips curling ever so slightly up. 

“Goodbye my angel, sleep tight” I whisper, my voice cracking on the last word. I kiss the stone & walk away, not even taking the time to look back. It’s almost symbolic really, walking away from the hurt, pain, & despair like this. It almost feels kinda relieving.

I hop into my car & head home. The investigation is done, so I can now get my house back. I park my car in the drive way & get out. Some serious deja vú comes with this simple act. Not even a month ago I was doing this as the happiest man on earth with a beautiful girl by my side. Things are much different now.

From the second I walk in the door, I can’t stand it. The police cleaned everything up. The carpet is white as can be. I walk into the kitchen to be welcomed by the scent of lemon floor cleaner. Everything’s so shiny, spotless, perfect. I hate it. The thing I loved about this house was that it reminded me of the family; it had it’s flaws, but Alice & I made it work. Crinkling my nose, I walk down the hall to my room. Thankfully, that is left untouched. I let out a relieved sigh as I go to open my closet. I look at my limited amount of clothes, & I get an idea. It’s crazy, but I like crazy. Plus, I hate it here now. I can’t stand to sit in this house & be haunted by what I know happened here.

So, I grab some bags, & I pack. I pack everything. First, just my clothes. That doesn’t take too long, being as I only have enough clothes to fit one large duffel bag. I lug the bag outside to my car & stuff it in the trunk. Next, I grab my comforter & sheets to my bed. Throwing those to the side, I reach for the the second drawer of my nightstand. I haven’t touched this compartment in years, so the dust flies up when I open it up. There’s not much in there, except a tiny rectangle in the corner. With a soft smile, I pick it up & wipe the dust off a bit. I look at the picture of my mom, dad, sister & I when things were okay, nearly a decade ago. As always, my sisters smile reflects my mothers, looking almost identical. My smile is wide & shining, while above me my dad smiles slightly. No teeth, just a lipped & fake looking smile. I clench my jaw when I see it, & grab my scissors from my floor & cut him out of the portrait. When I’m done, I look at it again. Smiling big, I say to myself, “Better”

I pack up the last of my things, & I’m off. Not sure where I’m going, but I wanna get far away from this town. As I put my last bag into the back seat, I close the door & go to open the front one. I fumble with my keys, & I suddenly get a vision of the past. Remembering the last time I fumbled with my keys, I blush a little bit. I was so different then, afraid a popular little rich girl whom I parked too close to. Laughing to myself, I unlock the front door & hop in. 

& just for the hell of it, I turn on I Miss You by Blink-182. The song echoes through my car, as I open my mouth to follow along. I see the trees I pass by are starting to grow blossoms on them. Spring is coming. & for some reason, all of these random thoughts start coming to my head. Like I remember that I will be 18 in less than 6 months. I also remember that I haven’t eaten for over 15 hours either. I don’t care though, I just want to escape this retched place.

But then I remember something I haven’t dwelled on in months. I remember when Mr. Poyer assigned Lily to be my partner. & I remember how I complimented her shoes so stupidly & childishly. That makes me laugh. But the more I think & the more I remember, I realize that Lily knew more about me than Alice could ever begin to imagine. So why did I push her away? Lily knew me on a deeper level. Maybe it was because Alice was too young. Maybe it was because I was looking for a confidant other than my sister. Whatever it was, I know that what I did to Lily was wrong. But it’s time to clean the slate & start a new. Everyone needs that every once in a while.

I don’t really know why I let Lily in, but somehow I’m happy I did. Sure, it caused some deep shit to happen, but it gave me a once in a lifetime opportunity to fall in love & allow someone to dig into the deep parts of my being & figure me out. 

The gauge on my gas tank goes down & down, but I try not to notice. I wanna keep this feeling & memory. I wanna dwell on the time in which me, the socially backwards wallflower, somehow managed to get Lily, the queen bee eye candy of the school. & the more I think, the more I realize this: I gave her all my flaws, & she loved me. Does that mean someone else could too? 

But then I find myself afraid again. But I literally say “Fuck it” out loud to myself. What’s the point in being afraid? Shits gonna happen in life, you just gotta react to it. I finally set on one last thought, & then I turn my music back up full blast & enjoy my ride to wherever.

That thought you ask? Its that opening up isn’t hard, because the right people will want to dig deep & figure you out themselves, without your help. All I need to do is find those people, & I’ll be just fine wherever I’m heading.

{ THAT'S IT! I hope you guys loved it! I'm so sorry it took forever to upload, but this summer was hectic. I'm very proud of this fic, you have no idea. I'd like to thank those who have been here since the beginning. Thank you SO MUCH for promoting this story & getting it to where it is today. As for the new readers, thanks for taking the time to add 'Deeper' to your library. I really appreciate it!

I'm gonna begin to work on a Calum fic called 'Guardian Angel'. But, I wont post it until I have the whole thing completed. I learned my lesson about posting as I write ;)

Thanks again! Leave some feedback for me please, its very much appreicated. }