Deeper (5SOS Ashton Irwin Fanfic)

Chapter 8

Lily’s POV:  

At first I’m confused. Do what to himself? As tears well up in his eyes, I furrow my brow in confusion. But suddenly, it all comes to me. Like a light bulb turning on.  

Ashton self harms…  

He must see my expression, because he turns his back to me & shoves him hands into his hair, as if he’s trying to rip it out. I try as hard as I can to remove the horrified & hurt look on my face, but I keep thinking back to all the signs. The bracelets. The long sleeves. The not talking. His fear of this topic. I should have noticed sooner. I should have let him know I was here sooner.  

I should have done something.  

All I want to do is wrap my arms around him & never let him go, but I know I have to ease myself into it. I get up from the floor & walk over to him. I sit down right in front of him, his curls still wrapped around his tight fingers.

I open my mouth many times, but close it shortly after. I know I must form my words carefully.  

“H - hey Ash?” I try. He doesn’t budge. I slowly move my hands to his & lay my palms on the backs of his rough hands. He tenses beneath me but doesn’t reject me. Inching closer to him, my forehead is now almost touching his. Silence overtakes the room again as I slowly pry his hands out of his hair. I bring our hands down between us & hold his. He looks up just enough to see me run my fingertips over the surface of his hand.  

“I - I just want to let you know, I’m not going anywhere.” I breathe. When I search for his eyes, I find them filled with tears & hopelessness. He tilts his head a bit & gives me a look.  

“Yeah, that’s right. I know how hard that - that must of been for you. But, I’m not going to leave you.” I say firmly. We hold eye contact as I watch his eyes go from confused to relieved back to confused. Finally, he speaks.  

“Why? I’d thought for sure, wh - when I’d told you, you’d…” He trails off. Ashton looks down again & sniffles, the tears coming back. I squeeze his hand & attach my forehead to his.  

“You’re sure I’d what?” I whisper. He lets out a sob & grits his teeth. After a minute, he meets my gaze again, his eyes raging with fear.  

“I was sure… that you’d never want to have anything to do with me again.” He manages. My heart breaks in my chest. This poor boy. All anyone ever did to him was either hurt him or ignore him. He must notice my expression because he continues.  

“No one can love someone who can’t even love themselves. & you’re so… Lily I can’t tell you how much I feel about you.” Ashton starts, grabbing my hands again & putting his head down. Curls flop all over as he heaves his lungs again.  

“I literally think you are the most beautiful girl in the entire world. Even when you yelled at me for parking too close, I still wanted you. & when we were paired for this project I was so nervous,” he laughs to himself a bit. “because I knew I’d have to talk to you. But then, then we got our topic,” he looks up suddenly & looks me dead in the eye. Even when they’re red & puffy, I get lost in them so easily.   “When we got our topic I knew I was toast. I knew I wouldn’t be able to control this,” he gestures to the space around us. He leaves my eyes & puts his head down again. What he says next, I can barely hear. But when I do, my heart stops in my chest.  

“I should have just ended it the day we got our topic. It’s not like anyone would have noticed if I’d left.”  

No.  

No.  

My hands fly to his face & bring it to mine. I practically force him to look me in the eyes. I’m choking back tears as I rub little lines into the skin on his cheeks.  

“Don’t. Ashton do not ever say that ever again. You’re life is worth something. Maybe not to many, but to me.” I say, struggling to keep my tone even when I do. He tries to put his head down & I don’t allow him. I’m not done yet.  

“What you just did was amazing. I’ve never told anyone about Maya, & you just let me talk. You didn’t interrupt, you didn’t judge. You listened. & I needed that so badly.” By this point, I’m in tears again. But, there’s no shame. We’re both an emotional train wreck. But honestly, there’s no where else I’d rather be.   Before I realize what I’m doing, I move closer to him. I keep my hands cupped around his cheeks as my face inches towards his. He doesn’t recede from me. Our noses brush up against each other, hot breath against hot breath. My eyes flutter shut as he makes the last move.  

Ashton’s POV:  

Her lips connect with mine sweetly. I don’t back away, but only bring her closer by putting my arms around her waist. I have been waiting God knows long for this moment.   

It takes everything in me not to hungrily kiss her. But, as our lips move in unison, I find the innocent & faint kisses are just fine. We’re curious, walking for the first time. Our knees are wobbly, but once we get the hang of it, it couldn’t be better.  

Her hands move to the back of my head & toy with my curls. I involuntarily groan a little as she smiles against my lips. Every second that ticks by makes me feel even better. Soon enough, all the thoughts of a blade going to my wrist & pills in my palm go away. All that matters is here & now.  

We go on for a while longer, until she breaks away reluctantly. When she does, Lily lingers around for a second & smiles. Just the thought of me making her happy makes my heart jump.  

“Y’know, my parents don’t get back until tomorrow night,” she tries. We back away, but our hands find each other almost naturally. She plays with my fingers as I tilt my head a bit. I start to catch on to what she’s saying.  

“Yeah, Alice is at a friend’s tonight,” I say. She looks up at me & her eyes light up. She steals the words right out of my mouth.  

“Stay here? With me tonight?”  

“I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.”