Mystic Messenger High School! AU - Peaceful - Saeran x Reader

Coming Clean

The silence is comfortable again, and I resist giving a sigh of relief. I don't want to feel tense around him. There are so many questions swirling around in my brain for him. It's as if I'm a captured animal that is finally set free, as if I have so much to do and don't know where to start. I think back to what Saeran said earlier and muster up one question. "Hey, Saeran?"

"Yeah?"

"You said you were confused... In what way?" 

He opens his mouth to speak, but before he does I interrupt him, "You don't have to tell me, but if you choose to do so, you have to tell me the truth. No more secrets, remember?"

Saeran pauses, letting my words sink in. He opens and closes his mouth multiple times, as if he wanted to respond, but couldn't.

I squeeze his hand reassuringly. "It's okay, you don't need to tell me." 

I start to move my hand out of his grip, when he tightens his grip on me, making it impossible for me to let go. 

"S-Saeran?"

"I don't want you to leave." He whispers.

"What?"

"I don't know what I'm feeling right now or how to describe it, but I don't want you to leave me. Help me. Please." Saeran looks over at me, his eyes pleading.

I furrow my brows in concern. "I want to, but I don't know how. I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong."

Saeran looks back down at our intertwined hands and sighs, loosening his grip. 

I silently thank him for letting my hand breathe. It's not the right time to say it aloud. 

"About the... you know."

My breath catches in my throat. Maybe he'll finally address what he felt directly?

"After you left, I... regretted not doing anything. I guess I was... embarrassed, so I hid in my room."

"Why would you be embarrassed?" I raise an eyebrow.

His face darkened with anger and he stood up, his chair scraping against the carpet.

Maybe it wasn't a good idea to instigate.

"Were you NOT listening? No one has done that to me before! I haven't been kissed! I don't fucking know what to do in that situation!" His voice raises, but it's not loud enough to draw any attention. 

I pull my hand away and glance up at him. "Are... are you serious?"

Saeran glares down at me. "Of course I'm fucking serious! I wouldn't lie about something like that! Besides, we just clarified we wouldn't lie to each other, right? Thanks for fucking believing in me."

I wince a little at his harsh words. "Sorry..." I say timidly.

He notices and his eyes widen "No, no, no! Damn it. I'm sorry, that's my fault. Shit, shit, shit... I shouldn't have said any of that. I'm so sorry."

"It's alright. Don't worry about me." I give him a small smile to reinforce the truth in my words.

Saeran doesn't say anything and sits back down, resting his head on the table and crossing his arms in front of it, hiding his face.

"So you were serious then?" I rest my hand gently on his back. 

I feel him tense up. He nodded, his head still on the table.

I retract my hand. "Shit... So that was your first kiss... I'm so fucking sorry. I wish I knew... I... wouldn't have done it. I'm so sorry. Ugh, you can never get that back! I'm such a fucking idiot."

I take off my glasses and pinch the bridge of my nose.

"It's alright. It's not that important, anyway." His voice is muffled because of the closed space he created for himself.

Now I'm the one to raise their voice. "It IS important! I took away something you'll never be able to relive again! It was selfish and rash and stupid. It wasn't my place. I shouldn't have done that." I stare at the top of his head as I speak. "I wish I could take it back..." My voice lowers again.

"Well, you can't, and neither can I. Don't blame yourself for it. It's okay. In fact..." He mumbles something I can't hear from outside of his little cave. 

"What?"

"Nothing." He lifts his head to look at me.

Silence. He's staring at me. 

"Wh... Wh-what is it?" 

He tilts his head and narrows his eyes.

"Saeran... You're scaring me."

"Sorry, it's just..." He leans a little closer, still staring at me. "I haven't really looked at your eyes. Your glasses are always on. They're really pretty."

My face heats up. "You've s-seen me without my glasses before. Yesterday, after I p-passed out, remember?"

"You were asleep." Saeran laughs. "I can't see your eyes when they're closed, dummy."

"O-okay." I turn my head, breaking the eye contact. 

He lightly presses two fingers against my opposite cheek, turning my face back towards him. "Don't do that. I want to look at them more."

I'm getting redder, I can feel it. "Uh... Alright?" I bit my lip, trying to avoid eye contact.

I hear him quietly sigh. "You're impossible, you know that?" He leans closer and I close my eyes, slightly leaning away from him. "Can I tell you something?" He speaks quietly into my ear, and I shiver at his breath on it.

I nod, careful not to hit his head in the process.

I hear him hesitate and when he speaks again, all his previous confidence seems to have vanished. "I... I liked the kiss. I just didn't know how to react. I'm sorry." His voice is quiet.

I lean back and open my eyes to meet his gaze. "You... did?"

Saeran nods. "I don't know what to do. That's all."

"Oh."

He looks away. "How do you learn? How to... you know."

I look down at my hands in my lap. Realizing I'm clutching my glasses in a death grip, I release them and push them into place on my face. "I... I don't know. I guess... Well, it's an act of... passion, so you just... do what you think is right when you think it's right? And you can't be afraid to take a risk. I don't know how to explain it. It's best to learn from experience."

"E-experience?"

I nod, still staring at my lap. I feel his gaze shift to my face, the burn ever-present.

"Oh."

"Yeah..."

Silence yet again.

After a couple of minutes, I glance up to see him staring at me intently. His eyes rest on my lips, and my face flushes. "Y-you can do it. I d-don't mind."

His eyes travel up my face until they meet mine. "What? I wasn't- uh..." He looks away, sheepish. "Really? Are you sure? It doesn't seem right."

I nod. "Yeah. I m-mean, as long as you're okay with it. I don't want to force you to do anything you're uncomfortable with or anything."

Honestly, I'm curious. What would it be like if he initiated? He didn't kiss me back yesterday, so I wonder if this will be different...?

Saeran looks back at me and starts to lean closer, hesitating after a second. 

"It's alright." I whisper reassuringly.

That's all he needed to hear.