Shake it off

chapter 13

Leo

Kisses. Kisses are very interesting things. Leo had many kisses in his life. The millions upon millions that his mother would give him. Even with her tobacco smelling breath, and her fingers that ran through his hair, and told im he was silly... He never really cherished them. If he knew that she would be gone, he would have he would have let her kisses burn into his forehead, his hand, his cheeks. Her hugs would be imprinted into him. Her "I love you"'s would never be forgotten. But he didn't cherish them. He loved them, yes. But he didn't hold onto them like he should have. He should have hugged her more, he should have held onto more of her. He should have told her that he loved her more.

Then there were other kisses. Kisses from girls. A lot of girls, as he tried desperately to convince himself that he was straight. Everytime he found a boy attractive, he freaked out and screamed at himself in his head "I'm straight, I'm straight, I'm straight!" he never was. He wished he could tell them that he's sorry. He just didn't like them. In fact, it wasn't even about them, it was just that he wasn't attracted to them sexually.
Then there was kisses from boys. That always seemed to be much better. He wasn't sure why. Maybe it was how much more gentle they handled him. Maybe it was the intimate-ness that he actually payed attention to. Maybe it was just that he was attracted to them in the first place. But he didn't kiss boys very much, because he wasn't sure if that was okay. He was okay with gay people, but he didn't want to have that kind of responsibility on his shoulders, he supposed. I he were gay, and he came out to everyone, than he would have to deal with hearing the people say he was sinning. And he didn't want people to come up to him and say, "Hey, I support you!!" out of nowhere. He was still a person. He's just gay.

Then there was that kiss from Percy. Better than any kiss he's ever had. His soft lips against Percy, rushed, and his hands in Percy's hair. His breath was taken right from his lips. Soft, soft lips, like clouds except warm. And like pillows except softer than that. Like the best thing he could imagine, but better than that. There was no real simile to project onto that kiss, because nothing fit. How could he describe that tingliness he had right behind his lips? He had no idea, but he needed a distraction.

He decidedly went to the music store. Not the one that Percy showed him, but the one he went to for about two months before he knew Percy. A guy, and a girl worked there. The two of them meant so much to him.

--

"Calypso, do you know any, like kind of sad bands?"

Her head turned from stacking some CD's and grinned excitedly at Leo. "Leo, I haven't seen you in weeks, I thought you had forgotten us!!" She jogged over and gave him a slightly pissed look. Her hair had been cut short, after such a long time of it being long, it was now in a choppy-ish bob. Like Max, from Life is Strange (I swear to fuck, if you don't get that reference go play that damn game, its awesome, just saying).

"Your hair!" Leo exclaimed. "Its all short."

Nico's voice rang over the intercom. "Any asshats in the store must cone the desk, right fucking now."

Leo grinned wide, and turned his attention to his favorite fourteen year old ever. "Nico, you look amazing as ever, how are you?"

"Why haven't you been around here in forever?" Nico said, crossing his arms, while Calypso turned her attention to an unhappy costumer.

Leo walked over, and scratched the back of his neck nervously. He hated making Nico mad. He hated it so much. But he had been neglecting everyone but Percy for a few months. So he sighed out a breath. Not sadly, but not excited either. Just kind of there. "Nico, a lot of stuff has happened. I'm sorry."

Nico didn't buy it. He looked up at Leo from his roll chair, as he was managing the desk and sneered. "Yeah? Okay, and you don't think its been getting overwhelming here either, do you?"

"I never meant-" Nico cut him off, and his words silently died in his throat.

"You know, all Calypso talks about anymore is the new manager? That black haired girl I told you about. And I just wanted to talk to her," he said, obviously really upset. "or you. But I couldn't. Both of you were too busy finding the love of your lives and whatever, and Leo I am so fucking-" he let out a calmer, steadier breath. "I just needed to talk to someone, but no one would, because you're so busy here in your own lives."

Leo touched his friends arm. "Nico, I'm so sorry. I really am. If you want to talk about something with me, go right ahead, I'm all ears."

Nico just shook his head. "Leo, I had a relapse, and things were really really bad. But you weren't even available."

"I'm sorry." Leo looked at the ground in shame. He was such an idiot. He should have paid more attention. His heart rose to his throat. All this time on one person that he's in love with. A person that loves him back. A person that he couldn't be with because he doesn't want to get hurt. But he can't think about that right now. "Did you, uh... Um did you," he lowered his voice drastically before continuing. "did you cut again?"

Any color left in the Italian boy's pale face drained. He looked at his fingers, with finger and his coat covering most of them. "It was all really bad. I needed someone to talk to. I knew I was just going to bother people-"

Leo sighed sadly, more disappointed in himself than anything. "Oh, Nico. I'm so sorry. Why did you do that I yourself, Nico?"

Nico shifted as if embarrassed. "I had a relapse, okay? I can't control anything really when I am. All I can try to do is distract myself by talking to someone. But no one was there, so yeah."

"Well, I'll talk to you more." he too one of the sticky notes from the desk, and scribbled out his number with one of the pens. "Promise you'll call me later on tonight, okay?"

Nico promised and pocketed the note.

"The hell are you fuckers doing?!" A Reyna with her long black hair shouted shouted at them. Her eyes turned towards Leo. "Valdez," she rolled her eyes. "are you distracting the employee's?"

"N-no ma'am." he said, feeling really put on the spot with his face red.

Calypso walked over to the lady, her hair shifting with every movement. "Reyna, can I take a break? I've been working really really hard." she looked up at her with her big brown eyes pleadingly, and everyone but Reyna could see what was going on.

Her tan face went really red, and nodded at the shorter girl. Calypso grinned, and hopped to wrap her arms around Reyna's neck, and spin them around.

Nico gave a tiny smile. Like he was happy for new love. "So I didn't know Calypso liked girls." Leo mentioned. "Really surprising."

"Not to me." Nico shrugged. "Remember how her first celebrity crush was Rhianna? Yeah."

Leo smiled, remembering when they had that sleepover at her house, and they all talked about so much stuff they all smoked marijuana, except Nico. And it was so fun. "Yeah, that was awesome. So anyways, whats her sexuality."

"Pansexual. I asked her yesterday."

They watched as Reyna and Calypso talked. And he watched as Reyna ran her fingers through the side of her hair, twisting the end. He could never see Reyna be so gentle and sweet without seeing it firsthand. The two of them were standing so close, he wouldn't have been surprised if they kissed.

"So, uh..." Calypso muttered nervously, looking up at the other girl expectantly, as they stood close enough to Leo and Nico, that they could hear every word. "uh, I was wondering if maybe..." it was clear that she was nervous, her face bright red. Not red as if embarrassed, that kind of red where she probably didn't even know why her face was red. "Maybe you could come with me to go get some coffee later? Please?"

"Calypso, you're my girlfriend, you don't need to be scared to ask me on a date."

"Its not a date!" she said insistently.

Reyna leaned down and kissed her softly. "Okay, Calypso."

Leo felt a throb of jealousy pound in his throat. He wanted to kiss Percy like he could, and do those things like he could. Why was he so fucking scared of, what was it? Commitment? Trusting? No, it was the getting hurt that terrified him so much, he couldn't love this guy the way he wanted to and it fucking sucks.