The Aftermath - A Gilmore Girls Revival Fan Fiction

Chapter 58

"Rory, tell me how you're feeling" Dr. Schnappel said, looking right into my eyes, getting right down to business.

"I feel okay" I lied.

"You've got to trust that I know what's best for your babies while they're in there, so please, be honest with me. What's been going on?" she asked again.

I took a deep breath and sighed. And then out of nowhere, I just broke down into tears. I didn't even know why I was crying, but I couldn't stop it.

Logan looked absolutely terrified and didn't know what in the world to do. He wanted to help, but wasn't even sure if he COULD help. All he could think is maybe the doctor would see how emotional and hormonal I was, and could maybe offer some help to him.

"Hey, talk to me. Tell me what's been going on lately" she pressed.

I nodded and took a deep breath. I knew I needed to be completely honest and forthcoming about what I was feeling, but I was embarrassed to let Logan know how ashamed of myself I was, because it would cause him to be ashamed of me, too.

She noticed how I kept shifting my eyes to Logan, and back down to the floor, and back to Logan again. "Uh, actually, is there any way I could talk to just Rory alone for a moment? It shouldn't take long, but it might help if she feels she's in an environment where she won't be judged" Dr. Schnappel said.

Logan looked at me, and I met his sad gaze with a small nod. The doctor was right – if I was going to talk to her about it, it needed to be without Logan around. Logan nodded reluctantly, and hung his head as he walked out the door. I'd never seen him look so defeated before, and my heart was breaking because I was causing it. The last thing I would ever want to do is hurt him. He deserves a medal for putting up with me, not for me to kick him out of the room. I just felt about as awful as his facial expression.

"Talk to me, Rory" she reminded. "You haven't told me much about your symptoms, about whether or not you're feeling the babies, about how you feel about the overwhelming knowledge that you're about to have twins in 28 weeks or less..." she prompted.

"I'm terrified. I feel horrible, because I want to be like normal parents who are excited for their children, but I'm not excited at all... I'm afraid with every fiber of my being that I will be a horrible mother, that my children will be hard to handle – I have no experience with babies – or nearly any aged children for that matter, and I'm afraid I will hate being a mom. I already hate being pregnant – I'm mean to everyone, I'm so stressed out and overwhelmed by even the smallest tasks... I feel like I already resent this pregnancy – and I can't even bring myself to admit to myself that there are babies inside of me – MY BABIES... I feel like the most horrible person in the world. And then I'm nauseous all the time, I have no appetite, and when I force myself to eat, I throw it all up. That's why I'm losing weight – I'm not getting near enough in me compared to what's coming out and I've just been miserable. And I'm making everyone around me miserable... I mean, I've lashed out at my mom, I haven't been much better to my stepdad or Logan, but neither of them will let me off that easily... I just absolutely, one hundred percent, feel as if someone else is in the driver's seat, taking control over my mind and my body, and I just have to sit back and watch as all of the damage is happening. And then, after it's all said and done, I know I should want to repair the damages, but I don't care. I've never not cared about anything, and I feel like this is the worst possible time for that to be happening to me..." I blurted out and immediately felt both better and worse for putting it all out there.

Dr. Schnappel smiled warmly and touched my hand to induce comfort in me. "Look at me. I want to tell you something right now, and I want you to believe it. You are a strong, loving woman who cares about so many people. And I know you feel cheated right now... But you know what? No matter how carefully we try and plan things, it doesn't mean that it will ever turn out that way. That's one of the best things about life, because it keeps things interesting. Now, I know it may seem like you're in way over your head right now, and you may be, the important thing to remember here is that you're not alone. You've got a strong family and friend support system, and no matter what you did to hurt so and so's feelings, they will always be there for you no matter what – you just have to let them know you need them. Feelings like these are common. You're so overwhelmed that you feel that you can't possibly see any silver lining through all of the clouds, but I can tell you, that it's there. You've got two beautiful children just waiting to meet you, and love you, and turn your entire life upside down in the worst AND best ways possible. You have a man who loves you beyond measure who is absolutely head over heels in love with the idea of becoming a father, and it seems the only person we need to work on getting on board is you. And that's okay if you need time to process things, that's completely normal. But what's worrying me is your health has deteriorated significantly, and what you're describing to me sounds as if you're having somewhat of a breakdown. Those things are not okay – you've got three living breathing people inside of one body right now, and so you need to be relaxing and not stressing – as best as you can. No one is judging you, no one is thinking you're as awful as you're making yourself feel. We're all just concerned about you, and want to make sure all three of you are as happy and healthy as you can possibly be" she said.

I nodded, tears coming back into my eyes. I didn't know what to do, or where to go from here, but I knew she was absolutely right. I knew that something needed to be done, or dangerous things would start to happen.