Beautiful Marriage

31. Crazy Crazy

Ashley

One. Two. Three. Four. I counted over the empty bottles of whiskey in front of me. Five. I counted as I slung the half empty bottle to my lips I didn't move it until it was empty. I need more. I need more whiskey I stumbled searching into the cupboard but I found vodka instead. I haven't showered in days. I haven't eaten anything. I just wanted to cut myself off this world. This alcohol is helping me not to focus too much on the situation.

I stink but I don't care. And I'm too scared to go to the doctor. Scared of what the results will be. My hands tremble as I put the bottle to my lips. I slid down on the kitchen floor and lean my head forward. I couldn't see straight. My messy hair falls into my forehead.

"Hahaha" I laughed to myself. I'm fucking crazy.

"What the fuck you looking at!" I yelled to the little girl sitting at the corner. I throw the vodka bottle at her but no one was there. I'm just seeing things. And I'm in the house for Christ sake..

I don't know what to do, I have no one to turn to right now. I don't want to call Lisa and bother her with my problems. I should be here with Matt, making him dinner and play video games with him. But instead I'm drowning in alcohol and I fucking love it. Hehehe

I might be infected. I might be a carrier for the incurable disease and I don't know what the fuck to do.

This was what Brianna was talking about when she saw me in Starbucks. When she was screaming in the snow that she saved me and I left her in the cold crying. I feel so fucked.

She saved me from a lying cheating boyfriend who probably fucked every girl here in LA. I hate him. I fucking hate him. All the happy memories that I have with his dissolves from my brain and burns- burns with fire.

Who the fuck cheats and fuck around and don't used a condom. I am not weak anymore. I haven't cried.

Crying is for the fucking weak.

I picked up my phone from beside me to call Lisa telling her that I'm a mess but instead I dial Nate.

"Ashley" he breathes his voice full of life and happiness. I choked out a tear when I heard his voice and the words I wanted to say couldn't form on my lips so I pushed the red button and placed the phone beside me.

I walked to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of Corona then I placed it to my lips. My reflection reflect in the stainless steel of the door. I just stared at my reflection with my wide eyes I looked like crap. I look fucking broken.

I have had enough.

I fucking hate you Joel.

Just go. Get the fuck out of my mind.

I can now say I regret everything we share together. I regret loving him.

Congratulations. You finally broke me Joel just like my mother told me. At least she was right that you no good for me. At least she was right about one thing.

What if I had listen to her and end the relationship before we moved in together?

What if I had ended it when I saw him kissing the next door neighbour?

What if I never gave him a chance?

Where would I be?

What live would I have.

What if I didn't​ gave him my number?

What if-

What if-

All these what ifs are  too fucking late. The damage is already down.

The hurt. The pain. Everything is taking is toll on me.