From My Mind To Your Pages

The Journal

When i first met you, I used a metaphor to explain you. I said you were much like a story.

"The cover is torn, the pages are rough, the words hard to translate and the description is rough. a story, although still in progress, still draws my interest, even in context."

I told you that i thought your story was written in a beautiful scripture. I was wrong.

Your story is written in the exact same way as your handwriting, hard to decipher, and you only write down half of your thoughts.

Your story doesn't makes sense to most, because you never finish it. 

I know what it means, though. I know how to read you. I know how to translate.

You are one different kind of story, that is true.

I will never forget that story, I will never forget you. 

I don't talk to you much anymore, or maybe it's you who doesn't talk to me.

Either way, our stories are slowly drifting apart, and i'm going to miss it..

It's for the best.. But i will miss you, my Hunter.

I would ask you not to leave, because i love you so, but it wouldn't make a difference.

You are living your life, and i am learning to live mine without you,

its not easy. Often, it is hard to breathe.

There are days, where i cant even pull myself out of bed.

But I know i don't effect you the same.

And i cant keep trying to keep you in my life. 

I will always read your story, as each new chapter is written.

I will translate it and write it the way you meant to,

But i know, that for a long time now, i am not a part of that story,

not like you are a part of mine.

I didn't make the impact on you that you made on me, 

and i guess, i never expected myself to.

I never expected you to care about me, at least, not how i care about you.

I knew you'd never love me.

I knew you'd never change, that you would never make a decision. 

And, in the knowing, i found myself caring enough for the both of us.

I found myself loving enough for the both of us.

And.. I found myself changing, trying to make myself enough for there to be an 'us.'

There never was.. there always was..

You were and are my always, Hunter.

That will never change.

And i'm sure, if you asked it of me, 

Id still come running for you.

For the chance to be with you.

For the chance to hold you,

or to love you as mine.

I know that will never happen.. Not with you..

Our stories are not aligned.. 

You are a main character in my story, 

The antagonist and the protagonist all in one,

The bad guy and the reason for survival. 

And i, I am just a background character in yours.

A temporary fleeting chapter.

It hurts, but its the truth.

Although your story will never be written in ink, always in pencil, always changing,

Your story is yours, and my story is mine.

Our points of view are different.

In my story, you are the story.

In yours.. I'm not sure anymore..

I love you Hunter, but i know you don't want me in your story anymore.

I will not attempt to put myself there..

I will keep up on each new chapter of your life,

not written in elegant scripture, as i once thought,

but rather, in messy, incomplete chicken scratch.

I will always read yours, though i don't expect you to read mine..

Merry meet, 

Merry part,

 Merry meet again,

My sweet, sweet Hunter.

My sweet, intoxicating lover.

03/12/17