From My Mind To Your Pages

I let you.

You ruined me. Everything I had, you ruined.
Everything I was, you ruined.
Everything I thought I was going to be, you ruined.

And I let you.

I let you ruin me. I let you into my heart. I let you sneak up into my pictures, even though you weren't stealthy at all. I let you into my mind. I let you into my arms. I let you kiss my lips. I let you tell me you loved me. And I let you tell me you loved me, but not in the way I loved you. I let you break my heart.

And you ruined it all.

I can't even fathom letting anyone else near the warzone you left behind called my heart. I can't imagine loving anyone else the way I loved you. The way I love you.

I can't look at a picture of myself and wonder why you aren't in it. I can't look through the pictures on my phone and see all of them with you in it. I can't open the camera on my phone when you're not around. And I can't picture, a picture without you by my side.

I can't speak. Not of the things that are on my mind. Not to anyone that isn't you. I can't have a full thought when you're not on my mind. I can't think of a future without you in it. I can't think. I can't think. I can't think.

I can't touch anyone else without the thought of you crossing my mind. I can't give another person a hug without wishing it were your arms I was in. I can't feel someone's skin pressed against mine without missing the warm shocks that you used to send up my arms with the light graze of your touch. And I can't hold another hand without searching for the callouses and scars that litter your hands, like a map.

I can't press my lips to anothers. I can't have that kind of intimate contact with anyone else after the last time you kissed me goodbye. Because that's all I think.

Is goodbye.

You never even said the words. Or rather the word. Goodbye. It would have only taken one breath. One word. Two syllables. But too much effort for you.

I let you tell me you love me. And I let myself love you. By far, the worst mistake I've ever made. But at the same time, my favorite mistake. You are my favorite mistake.

But worst of all, I let you tell me you loved me, but not the way I loved you. You told me that you loved me as only a friend. Nothing more. That you had no romantic feelings for me. That I was your best friend. And I let you kiss me after that.

I let you break my heart. Over. And over. And over. I let you piece my heart back together. And I let you crush it. I let you crush it, and then I let you play with the pieces, breaking them even more. And I let you break every individual piece of my heart until it finally became just the remnants of glass, a powder. There's nothing left of it now. Because you have it. You still have it. You have the powdery remains of what I used to be. You broke my heart.

You ruined me.

And I let you.

5/6/16