From My Mind To Your Pages

An open letter to the boy who broke my heart

This is to you. The you who knew me a long time ago. The boy. The one who broke me. This isn't for you. This is for me. This is me making peace. Not peace with you. Peace within myself. This is my letter to the boy that broke me. This is my letter to let go of the pain. This is my letter to forgive myself to letting you hurt me. This is my letter to come to terms with what we once were.

I would have done anything for you. I tried so hard to make you love me the way I loved you, I lost myself. I loved you so much, that I changed who I was, what I stood for, and everything I wanted to be. All i wanted to be was yours. There was nothing inside my head, inside my heart, except for you. I threw everything I had into my love for you. I tried, and I failed so many times. All i wanted was you. I was so naive. I knew you didn't love me. But I would have given anything for you to try to. I broke so many hearts waiting for you. But I never lied to them. I didn't want to hurt them the way you hurt me. I told them the truth. I told them that I didn't love them. I told them I loved you. I broke so many people while waiting for you. You were all I wanted. For the longest time. Almost four years. You were all I saw. The only person I looked for when I walked into a room. The only one. You were the only one I found comfort in. There were nights I couldn't sleep because you weren't there. Or I hadn't talked to you beforehand. I loved you. I loved you so much.

And I knew exactly what you were doing. I knew you didn't love me. I knew you were stringing me along, just like all of your other girls. I knew. I wasn't stupid. I was in love with you. And I fucking let you break my heart. Repeatedly. Because of how much I loved you. I didn't care at all. I was in love. I was so in love. There was nothing else for me. And no one else for me. I didn't care that you hurt me. I didn't care how many times you hurt me. I didn't care how badly you hurt me. You broke my heart so many times. You burned all of my resolve away. You brought me more pain than anyone. I let you, and I think that's what kills me the most.

You claimed you loved me at one point. You really did. And the sound of your voice saying those words ignited my love for you even more. But there came a time, where you said something to me. Seven words. They meant nothing to you. But they've been haunting my mind for two years now. "I can't lay under false pretenses anymore" For two years now those words have haunted my mind. Every time I talk to you. Every time I see you. Every time I was in your arms. Every time I kissed your skin. Held your hand. Wrote your name. Heard your name. Saw your shirts, that I still have. Every time I saw your family members, which there's so many of them. Every time I passed your house. Your college. Your work trucks. Your job sites. Every single place I've ever seen you. Loved you. Wanted you. I couldn't get those words out of my mind.

I can honestly say, that at this point in my life, i am, finally, no longer in love with you. I don't feel for you anymore. I don't feel that heartache. I don't feel that pain. I feel amazing. And i have myself to thank for that. There was a while i cut you out of my life completely. For a few months, and now you've done the same to me. I loved him. And he showed me the video you posted on your Snapchat. Of how, if they can see the video, then they are worthy of being in your life and they've passed your tests. I cant see it. I'm sorry i failed you. Sorry i wasn't good enough.

No. I'm not fucking sorry. I'm angry. I did everything for you. For years. I was at your disposal completely and somehow i did something as to where i'm not worthy of being in your life anymore? Fuck you. Seriously. Fuck you. This letter is now for you. The boy who broke my heart and has officially fucked up too many times. I waited until i was ready to be okay with having you in my life and apparently i did something wrong along the way, along the four fucking years that i quite literally did everything for you. Four years that i was in love with you. Four years that i let you completely fucking break me over and over and over again. So fuck you. Fuck you for hurting me as many times as you did, and i guess its not completely your fault because i pretty much fucking let you. I made the mistake of trusting you. I made the mistake of giving you the power to hurt me. But fuck you for taking advantage of that.

I never fucking asked anything of you. Not a god damn thing. And that's what i got from you. Absolutely nothing but heartache and pain. I did everything i could to make you happy and all i fucking got was shut out and fucked over. Fuck you for letting me love you. And fuck you for lying to me for four years. Telling me you loved me. Telling me that i actually fucking meant something to you. Because i can see everything so fucking clearly now. I never fucking meant shit, and i couldn't believe that you were lying to me. I cant fathom the idea that i was lied to for so long and i had no idea.

But no matter how much you hurt me, or how angry i am with you... Thank you. If it weren't for you i wouldn't be who i am now. I wouldn't be so happy with who i'm with now. If it weren't for you, i wouldn't know what being in love with someone feels like, and because of you i know i'm in love with him. And i know hes not you. He wont break me.

Overview of this letter, to sum it all up;

1) I was so in love with you.

2) I'm not anymore.

3) Fuck you.

4)Thank you.

I dont need you anymore.

This letter is to a boy i used to know.

His name is Chase Edward Stevenson.

Goodbye Chase.