Neophilia

N 22

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Parang feeling ko napapabilis ang updates ko? O ako lang yun? Anyways, pagkatapos nitong chap na 'to baka busy na ulit ako. Naghahabol na ako ng acads. Ang dami na naming schoolworks. LOL. Oo nga pala, kamusta na ang Neophilia para sa inyo? COMMENT KAYO sa ibaba para malaman ko kung ano nasa isip niyo. Sa tingin niyo ba may mararating tong story na ito? Matagal ko na kasing iniisip yun bago pa man mag-part two itong Neophilia. Haaaay =.= hirap pala nito. Pero kaya yan! Kaya natin to! Mehehehehe :) Sige sige. Ang dami ko nang sinabi. - GRETELL <3

NEOPHILIA 22:

Two days left and I'll go back to New York. Ngayon na yung araw na ililibing na si mommy and everyone is still grieving. I am too - my dad, sister, and every relatives na nandito ngayon. Lahat kami tahimik, nakayuko, may iniisip. Lahat kami nandito para magpaalam for one last time. Si daddy ang pinaka-nasaktan sa aming lahat. Tuyo na ang mga luha namin pero siya hindi pa. He's actually here to give his eulogy.

"We all know Teresa. Sweet, endearing, strong, humurous, my wife, and the mother of my children. People had expressed their sympathies about my wife's painful battle of Leukemia..." Unang limang segundo pa lang ni daddy sa harapan naming lahat, hindi ko na maiwasang hindi mapaiyak. and I just realized that the people around me knew about my mother's condition while, here I am, I'm the only one who's clueless, selfish daughter who knew nothing but to enjoy every fucking second in New York. I'm the only one who's enjoying life, laughing my ass off, dancing, singing... While my family here back at the Philippines fought battles with mom - through cancer treatments - giving her hope and strength to keep on holding on. Suddenly, I was furious and frustrated and scared and depressed. Hurt. All rolled into one. I gipped my skin out of my flimsy flesh hard. I want to feel pain! I want to feel everything what my mom went through. It should've been me! I should've died at that accident. It should've been me who's gone and not mom! And then, I felt that it was really my fault why she's not here with us.

I felt that I don't deserve to live.

I'm hurting everybody else.

I'm hurting dad.

I listen intently as dad continues with his speech, "... saying that it was hard and we should stay strong and be faithful to God. We did. And we still are. Here I am, with my two daughters, we're facing altogether, side-by-side all the trials, challenges that God has thrown to us. We are steady. However, I realized after she passed, that somehow, I am grateful to that I was with her through all these years. That I was the one by her side until she reaches the final chapter of her life. Everyday, she and I would spend hours talking about everything, as if we were making up for lost time..."

I am blaming myself for all of this.

"The best part was, she was able to raise two beautiful, responsible, strong women that I've ever met..." No dad, I am not strong. I'm falling apart. "... My daughters are the living proof of how my wife loved, valued, cherished these family. Every second of it. How she became successful in life. How she was contented to the things she already has." Pinunasan ni daddy yung naiipong luha sa mata niya, "Kahit na wala dito si Teresa, I know that she would be happy for all of us. I know that she wanted us to move on, to keep looking things which is ahead of us. She would like us to keep strong, to believe that everything will be alright. That life is life. We lose and then eventually we'll gain."

A pause.

"Teresa, mahal na mahal ka namin. Bantayan mong pareho yung anak natin ha..." Dad was nodding, ".. Don't you worry, magkikita rin tayo sa dulo, mahal..."

And that was it. We all broke down. Sobbing. Devouring every peaceful, heavy seconds we have before mom sinks 6 feet deep.

Nakaramdam ako ng kamay na humawak sa kamay ko. Nakita ko si JP. His face isn't puffy red unlike the rest of us pero kitang-kita sa mata niya ang pagkawala ni mommy. He cared. He really do. Humigpit ang hawak ni JP sa kamay ko. Normally, tatanggalin ko ang kamay niya sa kamay ko. Pero this time, hindi ko siya tinulak papalayo. Hinayaan ko siyang hawaka niya kamay ko. All I need right now is comfort. Ramdam ko ang bigat ng mundo kahit iilan lanng ang memoryang naalala ko kasama si mommy. Nakalimot man ang isip, pero ang puso hindi.